Wish Upon a Star

Life Can Fulfill Your Wildest Dreams

Leaving Room for an Unexpected Change

Wish Upon a Star

So I know I recently wrote about surprises and how life can be shocking in my entry, Shh...It's a Surprise, but life has given me yet another unexpected pleasure that I feel the need to continue the discussion. As I mentioned before, I am currently on vacation with my Mother in the Cayman Islands. Our first two days were rainy and I was starting to feel a bit cheated. I hadn't gotten my fill of sun and my tan was not quite up to my personal standards. I expressed to my Mom how much I wished that we had just one more day here. But, of course, it was simply a wish and I had no reason to believe that it would ever come true. Finances, schedules, and personal obligations demanded that we return home the previously decided date. I had not left room for unexpected change nor did I take into account that life can surprise you and fulfill your wildest dreams. Less than 24 hours after I had expressed my longing to stay here an additional day life stepped in, in the form of a nor'easter heading towards Philadelphia, which consequentially interfered with our travel plans and forced us to push back our departure date. Perhaps my futile attempts at wishing weren't so futile after all. Maybe someone or something up in the heavens heard me. Maybe this wonderful, unexpected change is a result of good karma. Or perhaps it is just dumb luck. But, regardless of the reason, life has managed to shock me again and fulfill my wildest dream. 

"Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth."

- Martin H. Fischer

My luck recently has proven this quote to be true. I have been gifted some phenomenal surprises over the course of the past few weeks. These unexpected changes have truly made for a grand "show" and I am finding that my ticket was worth any cost I may have paid in order to obtain it. We often associate change and the unexpected with negative feelings, results, and things. We are warned to always leave room the unexpected so that we don't get our hopes up, so that we are prepared when things don't work out, and to reduce the potential for disappointment. We forget that sometimes leaving room for the unexpected can be about prepping for exciting surprises and positive outcomes. 

I think its time that we start thinking about unexpected changes in a new way. Instead of assuming that they are bad we need to start considering that perhaps they can be good, even more than good; they can be credited for fulfilling our wildest dreams, whatever they may be. In my current case leaving room for an unexpected change required that I reorganize my schedule, count my pairs of clean underwear, and permit myself to let go and go with the flow of our new plan. Leaving room for the unexpected means allowing yourself a level of flexibility so that you can adjust to the change. Although I wasn't initially prepared for this extra day of vacation I was able to work with this change and allow myself to enjoy this bonus day. Of course accounting for the unexpected and being flexible is easy when its involving an added day of vacation or a situation that fulfills a seemingly impossible wish. The real question is, how do we manage to go with the flow when the change is less than ideal? So, I guess I want to try and tackle two ideas in the remainder of this entry: altering the negative associations that we may have with the unexpected and change, and figuring out how to leave room for unexpected changes, regardless of whether the change brings about positive or negative results.

Life Can Fulfill Our Wildest Dreams

Lets first deal with the way we look at change and attempt to reduce its negative connotation. Lets try to figure out how we can see unexpected change as possibilities, as positive, even as having the potential to fulfill our wildest dreams. I am going to present two quotes that I would like for us to consider with respect to life and change.

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."

- Lao Tzu

Tzu's quote is congruent with my statements regarding change as being unexpected and often surprising. He asserts that resisting change will only result in sorrow or unhappiness. This is another notion that I find to be true. The more we attempt to stop change from occurring, the stronger we hold on to the past or the way things once were, the more difficult it becomes to accept the new reality in which we live. Life does not stand still for anyone. Our time on earth is a truly a process and full of natural changes that come with the course of life- aging, having children, switching jobs, meeting new people, building friendships. We are constantly adding to our lives and likewise things are always being taken away, whether we like it or not. What we must focus on is acceptance and allowing life to progress in whatever way it chooses, because ultimately we have very little control over the "flow" of life.

"Don't resist [change]; that only creates sorrow."

Sometimes this flow works in our favor, like the nor'easter that has consequently extended my vacation. But often it works in ways which we don't appreciate, such as the loss of a loved one or the dissolution of a friendship. How can we learn to deal with life's "natural and spontaneous changes," learning to associate the unexpected with both the good as well as the bad? Well, this is where the second quote comes into play. This quote refers to the French concept of joie de vivre or joy of life, which I discussed at greater length in my recent post, C'est la Vie.

"Joie de vivre is about trusting that nothing happens without reason, and everything can turn out positive in the future."

- Jamie Cat Callan

Armed with these two quotes, I believe that we have the ability to alter the way we in which we think about life's changes and the unexpected. I think that we can learn to trust the natural flow of life and realize that even shifts that we initially regard as bad, can ultimately be seen as good. I'll admit that this is not an easy task. 

"I have spent the majority of my life avoiding change."

I have spent the majority of my life avoiding change. I have wasted many hours mourning the loss of relationships and wishing to return to earlier periods in my life. But, as Tzu said, resisting the change only brought about sadness. My feelings of nostalgia and sorrow may have been warranted by they truly were wasted. The change had happened, because that's the way life works, and no tears or anguish could stop the natural progression. It hasn't been until lately that I have learned that change does not equal bad. Unexpected does not mean unfortunate. In actuality both equate to not only progress but also possibilities. Life's unexpected changes have the potential to fulfill our wildest dreams if we remain open to the idea. If we are able to apply Callan's words to our everyday thinking than we are equipped to challenge our previous views of change, life's flow, and new realities. 

In Cayman taking advantage of this unexpected change-

Things happen because they are meant to be and not only that, everything has the chance to turn out positively. A cynic could look at this statement and scoff at its naivety or unsupported level of optimism. But for a moment lets try to remove the cynicism that so frequently taints our minds and thoughts. Lets think about these optimistic ideas with fresh eyes. Believing that "nothing happens without reason" allows us to provide an explanation, although not concrete, for each of life's twists and turns. I think there is a point in all of our lives when we find this notion to be true. We are running late for an appointment and as we are driving we see that a car accident has taken place just minutes earlier. Had we not been running late we easily could have been involved. The frustration of running late is diminished because in actuality it saved us from a larger problem. Or, during course registration, we are unable to get into a class that we had wanted. Later we hear friends complaining about how dull the professor is and the ridiculous amount of work that the class involves. The initial irritation we experienced because we couldn't get into the class disappears. Instead we are thankful that we managed to avoid a course that in reality is not as good as it appeared on paper. 

Things happen all the time that piss off, frustrate us, make us sad or angry, etc. But, so often, in hindsight, we are able to realize that we are better off for it. This concept feeds directly into the latter part of Callan's quote, "everything can turn out positive in the future." Events and experiences that at first we regard as bad or disappointing have the possibility to work out in our favor later on. At the beginning we may not understand or like life's natural flow. But, if we don't resist it, if we allow it to run its course, we may find that these "natural and spontaneous changes" bring us to exactly where we are supposed to be. Life's flow allows for things to work out, and sometimes it even fulfills our wildest dreams as long as we don't attempt to intercede of interfere. 

"Life's flow allows for things to work out..."

Now that I've attempted to alter our perceptions of change and the unexpected it is time that we deal with the issue of making room for unexpected changes. It's easy to be flexible and make room when the shift is overtly positive. The task becomes harder when the change, which so often was not anticipated, is seemingly bad or negative. I guess part of our willingness to be flexible and work with the shift comes from necessity. If we have lost our job or are forced to move for reasons that are beyond our control then we don't really have choice. In these cases unexpected change has been thrust upon us and consequently we have no choice but to adjust. But can we figure out a way to make the adjustment less painful and/or less forced? Can we incorporate a degree of flexibility into our lives and personalities so that newness and abrupt shifts don't jolt us so strongly? Is there a way that we can always leave room for an unexpected change in order to improve the way in which we respond to these shifts?

Flexibility in life is key-

"A guarantee in this life: Change! Flexibility is better than predictability!"

- Evinda Lapins

Just like Tzu, Lapins asserts that the only guarantee in life is that we will experience change. While her words seem typical and not exceptionally different from many other quotes, I chose her quote for a very specific reason. In my weird little mind, something about it alluded to an element of fun that comes with flexibility. Flexibility is preferable to predictability because predictability is boring and monotonous. Yes, change can be exhausting because it brings something new to the table; it demands that we make adjustments and learn to manage things that we hadn't needed to before. But, I am arguing that predictability, the same old routine, can be just as exhausting. Is it not tiring to do the same thing day after day, without the possibility that life may throw you something unexpected, something new and fun, a pleasurable experience that you hadn't anticipated, the chance that your wildest dreams may be met. Predictability is safe, but at the same time it is frustrating and dull. Could you imagine waking up every morning and knowing exactly how your day was going to progress, down to every minute detail? What is the point of getting up and living if you already know what is going to happen?

Flexibility and change can be fun !

Flexibility isn't just necessary but it is invigorating. It enables us to make room for unexpected changes and allows us  to embrace when life fulfills our wildest dreams, rather than responding to these unforeseen circumstances with stress and irritation. If we can approach life with a level of flexibility than our opportunities become infinite and we are able to truly enjoy pleasurable changes, on the off chance that our wish upon a star actually becomes a reality. 

"I am not forcing flexibility upon you."

I am not forcing flexibility upon you. You do have a choice. You can decide to live a life of predictability rather than one of flexibility. However, I must warn you that choosing predictability is not likely to work out in the long run, simply because it is not compatible with the nature of life. Life is ever changing, it flows in directions we never anticipated, and it takes us down roads we never could have imagined. If you choose to live a life of predictability than you will be poorly equipped to manage the constantly shifting nature of life. You are also opting to miss out on "the best show on earth." 

Sometimes we must resort to a new plan-

Life will shock and amaze us by tossing unexpected challenges and opportunities our way. If we pick predictability over flexibility than we are bound to miss out on life's ability to fulfill our wildest dreams. For these reasons, I strongly encourage you, as well as myself, to live a life of flexibility and fun. I understand how difficult this can be, (I am OCD and an incessant planner after all), but I firmly believe that refusing to be flexible will only serve to limit us and prevent us from enjoying the "show." If we can metaphorically throw our day planners out the window, (G-d forbid I ever do such a thing), and wrap our heads around the idea that things don't necessarily need to go according to plan in order to be great, than we have opened the door to accepting and making the most of every unexpected change that comes our way. 

Changes may not always appear to be good, often, at first glance, they can seem quite horrible. But, if we can learn to trust the "flow" of life, remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason, and incorporate flexibility into our lives, than we are sufficiently armed with the ability to not only accept change, but to recognize that it has the potential of fulfilling our wildest dreams.

Change happens so it's time that we learn to deal with it,
xo

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes, from Disney's Animated Film, Cinderella

Walt Disney's Cinderella (1950) "...the dreams that you wish may come true."

C'est la Vie!

You Get What You Get and You Don't Get Upset

Making the Most of Every Given Moment

Life is made up of a series of moments- perfect and imperfect. There are no guarantees in life and we can't expect that everything will work out as we have planned or imagined. I am currently on vacation with my Mom in the Cayman Islands. My family has been coming here for over a decade and in our minds it is truly the most fabulous place on earth. My Mother and I arrived arrived yesterday, expecting 5 days of warm weather and endless sunshine. However, our experience has not lived up to our expectations. Twenty minutes after our plane landed it began to torrential rain and it has not really let up ever since. It seems that our dream of laying out in the sun and soaking up the rays for the entirety of our vacation is simply not going to happen. But, what can we do about it? The weather is beyond our control. So are we going to mope around and let the less than ideal weather dictate our mood and ruin our vacation experience? Absolutely not. We are truly living by the phrase, you get what you get and you don't get upset. 
The trip may not being going as we had planned, and the weather may not be perfect, but that doesn't mean that we are going to throw up our hands and call the whole vacation as wash. Instead, we are choosing to make the most of the given moments by altering our expectations and finding different ways to enjoy ourselves. C'est la vie or that's life; it is not always perfect nor is it certain to work out in the way that you had hoped. The best that we can do is make the conscious choice to make the most of it no matter the circumstances. As the rain continues to fall outside my Mom and I sit in the lobby, sipping on cocktails, playing cards, and people watching. When the sun decides to make a brief appearance we rush outside, taking in its lovely warmth for as long as we can. And when the clouds choose to reappear and the rain begins to approach again, we scurry back inside to the comfort of the lobby, picking up our card game where we left off, and appreciating the time that we have with one another. We are together in one of our favorite places in the world. There is no way that we are going to let a bit of rain prevent us from having a wonderful time. We are taking what we are getting and we are not getting upset about it, because in truth, there are far worse places we could be right now. Not to mention, there a much less desirable people with whom we could be stuck. We are on vacation at our most favorite destination. We are not being subjected to freezing temperatures that Philadelphia is currently experiencing. Neither of us need to be focusing on work and consequently are not feeling the stress that work and school bring along. And we are just happy to be together without the distractions of daily life- family tension, academic or work related responsibilities, social obligations, the annoyance of errands, and the pressure of our typical fast paced routines. We are lucky enough to be far away from all of the aforementioned distractions and are thrilled to be able to appreciate this time that we have as Mother and daughter. It is so rare that the two of us are able to escape on our own. What a shame it would be to let some poor weather taint this experience. So we are choosing to make the most of every given moment while we are here, regardless of whether or not it is what we had anticipated. 

I picked up a book recently called, Bonjour, Happiness!: Finding Your Joie de Vivre by Jamie Cat Callan. I have only made it through the first chapter but it has already taught me a lot about living life and maximizing on its endless supply of joy. It describes the French concept of Joie de Vivre or joy of life as-

"[The] ability to enjoy what you have without worrying too much about what you don't."

This idea exemplifies the notion I proposed at the start of this entry, you get what you get and you don't get upset. Let us look at we have, and I mean genuinely look, and recognize the good that exists within it. Instead of imagining how life could be better by playing the "What if..." and "If only..." games, lets appreciate the greatness that lies in our own realities. Why continue to torture ourselves by believing that what we have in this given moment isn't enough? What good will it do us to fantasize about ways in which our lives could be improved if only we had more, if only things were different, if only it weren't raining? In actuality we have no idea whether or not this alternative reality that we have created would indeed be any better than the lives we are living. It seems like a waste of time to concern ourselves with what we are lacking. When we think too much about what could be we end up missing the beauty and joy of what is; we are so absorbed in thought that we lose the given moment. This notion of Joie de Vivre is further elaborated-

"It is about accepting what's in your life in the moment and feeling contented inside."

"...sipping on San Pellegrino..."

Using these two quotes in conjunction with each other can enable us to make the most of every given moment. Not only can we pay attention and appreciate what we do have, but we can feel genuinely happy with the now and enjoy it. What do I have right now? I have my wonderful Mother sitting by my side. I am sitting in a cozy chair in the comfortable lobby of our lovely hotel. I am casually sipping on San Pellegrino with lime and Pinot Grigrio. I have the time to write an entry for my blog without being burdened by the outside pressures of class, assignments, and college life in general. I have 3 and 1/2 more spectaculars days to spend on this beautiful island and it's over a week before I am forced to return to the pressure cooker that is the University of Pennsylvania. I may not have it all, but when I take the time to look at what I do have, I am able to recognize that I have an awful lot and I am truly "contented inside." As I find myself making the most of every given moment and being thankful, I start to believe that perhaps, I am really one step closer to achieving this French idea of Joie de Vivre, the joy of life. If we are able to embody this joy than I believe that we will find ourselves saying c'est la vie when encountering imperfect situations and facing unexpected obstacles. 

When we use this phrase, c'est la vie, we will be able to utter it with an air of light hearted-ness and casualness. C'est la vie, shit happens, and so it goes...that's life and we either accept it for what is and capitalize on it or we allow life and all its imperfections to bring us down. It's up to us; we have the choice. Shall we let the unfortunate or unexpected negatively impact the entirety of our experience? Will I allow a little rain disable me from enjoying my Mother-Daughter vacation? Or will we say, with an air of nonchalance, "c'est la vie," and opt to make the most of the given moment?
 

"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have."

- Eckhart Tolle

Tolle's words take the ideas that I borrowed from Callan's book to a new level. While he discusses "the present moment" with a slightly different spin, I think that both Tolle and Callan are making the same basic point. Life is a continual series of moments. The moment in which I started writing that entry has passed, never to be returned to again, and now I am on to a new a moment. When I complete this entry I will be living in yet another moment. They just keep coming and going for eternity. If I don't make the most of this moment right now then I will have lost the opportunity. It may not seem like a big deal. What's the issue with not fully living a singular moment if there are billions more to come? And I must admit that there is some value in that question. Who cares if we lose a moment or fail to recognize its worth if its fleeting and/or soon to be replaced with a new moment anyways? 

Well, of course, I have an answer, and this is when I get to combine all the ideas that were proposed in the series of quotes provided throughout this entry. The "present moment," although intangible, is all we have. It is a brief segment of our lives. For all intensive purposes, this given moment is probably imperfect. (It is a rare occasion that we have a moment when all is ideal and everything has gone according to plan.) Are we supposed to sit around miserably, not acknowledging the joy that can be found in every given moment, while we wait for one of these allusive perfect moments to come our way? To me, that sounds like a pretty terrible way to live. Lets recognize that this moment right now is our life, although a minute period of it, and it is an opportunity for us to appreciate the beauty of what we have. Each given moment is a chance for us to embody the statement, you get what you get and you don't get upset. In reality happiness and joie de vivre doesn't come from not getting upset, but from rejoicing about the positive elements that fill each moment, even the seemingly imperfect ones.

If life is a series of moments, and if moments are fleeting, then why not try to make the most of every given moment and subsequently enhance your life as a whole? Don't let a single moment slip away before you have used it to its fullest potential, making it as fabulous as you possibly can. 

I am looking out the lobby window and it appears as if the sun is starting to peak through the clouds. I am debating whether or not I should risk it, and relocate poolside, or instead just stay exactly where I am, comfortably lounging with my Mother by my side. The choice is insignificant. I will be contented either way. This trip has not gone according to plan so far but what can I do? It is out of my control; c'est la vie! Life is unexpected, unpredictable, and imperfect. It is a never ending sequence of moments- good and bad, exciting and dull, happy and sad, fun and typical, perfect and imperfect- and we have the ability to capitalize on all of them, making the most of every given moment by realizing what we have and enjoying our many blessings. We rarely will experience a moment that we find worthy of deeming perfect. But this lack of perfect moments is not an excuse to give up on happiness, joy, and life! Lets not focus on the flaws or what seems to be missing or in need of improvement. Instead let us acknowledge the glory of what exists in this given moment and allow ourselves to feel fulfilled, at peace, and content. 

When we come across a moment that is less than ideal we can make the decision to put a smile on, say "c'est la vie," and make the most of it with what we have. When we stop thinking so much about what's missing, and in turn begin seeing all that is there, then we have the potential to seize and enjoy each moment, find the positives among a sea of flaws, and ultimately achieve a level of happiness that allows us to confidently say "c'est la vie," and truly believe it.

Appreciate the joy of all that surrounds you and you shall find your joie de vivre,
xo

You Can't Always Get What You Want, The Rolling Stones

Unanswered Prayers

Has G-d Forgotten About Me?

The Presence of the Omnipresent

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"

Jeremiah 29:11

Recently I have found myself in an all too familiar situation. My anorexia nervosa has found a way to slip into my life yet again, leaving me physically and mentally broken. I was so exhausted this past weekend that I literally couldn't move. I missed all of my classes Monday and felt as if my life was unravelling before my very eyes. I am behind on course work and class material. My absences are quickly mounting beyond an acceptable level. My academic life, the place where I usually find it easy to excel, is becoming chaotic and overwhelming. 

"My mind reflects the chaos that is ensuing in my life."

My mind reflects the chaos that is ensuing in my life. My eating disordered thoughts are out of control. My weight is low and I have no desire for it to increase. My mind is consumed with fear and irrational thoughts. The image I see in the mirror is completed distorted, manipulated and twisted by the disorder that is ravaging my brain and my body. I am angry and frustrated with myself, with my life, and with G-d. I feel as if I have done all can do in order to create a fulfilling and happy life for myself. Yet, as soon as I get close to feeling content and in control it seems as if G-d throws another issue my way. 

"...I find myself haunted by the same eating disorder demons..."

I pray each night for fulfillment and happiness both of which sound to me like pretty reasonable and feasible requests. But when I wake up every morning and find myself haunted by the same eating disorder demons I can't help but think that my prayers have yet again gone unanswered. When we are praying for irrational or infeasible things- winning the lottery, permanent vacations, magical results- we can't help but expect unanswered prayers. But what does it mean when the simplest of requests are denied? Has G-d forgotten about me? Is my chronic illness a punishment for some unspeakable crime that I have committed but am somehow unaware of? Or, am simply praying and/or asking for the wrongs things? I really am not sure. I want to believe that G-d is this omnipresent force that is always with me, looking out for me, and protecting me and all others deserving of his gifts. But lately I have started to have doubts regarding the presence of the omnipresent. If G-d were truly and omnipresent force of good than why is it that so many of us are suffering, myself included? While I don't have an answer for any of these questions I do have a quote that is helping me find some solace during this time of fear and uncertainty-

"I pray to the G-d within me that He will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions."

- Elie Weisel, "Night"

I discovered Weisel's words today while perusing a long list of quotes that I have accumulated over time. It seemed to be calling to me and I have to believe that I came across it for a reason. Perhaps it isn't that G-d has forgotten about me, maybe I am just asking the wrong questions and looking for answers in the wrong places. Could it be that it is not G-d's duty to answer our prayers but instead lead us in the direction of questioning appropriately? Once we have learned to ask the "right questions" and correctly find responses then maybe it won't seems as if our prayers are going unanswered. Today I am using this quote almost like an affirmation-

Hoping for the ability to ask the "right questions"-

G-d will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions and pray accordingly.

Perhaps it is time that I leave the questions, which reek of self-pity and anger, behind. I need to put an end to my line of questioning which focuses purely on myself, my woes, and neglects to acknowledge the blessing that exist within my life. Farewell to the "Why would you curse me with this chronic and fatal illness?" So long to the "Why would you put me on this early simply so I could suffer and slowly kill myself?" It's time to stop asking "Why am I forced to live a miserable existence that hurts me and everyone I love?" I have to stop with this "Why me" approach because it is clearly not getting me anywhere. 

"I have to stop with this 'why me' approach..."

G-d is not answering my questions. He is not lifting me out of this metaphorical Hell. And He is not intervening in order to save me from myself. If I feel as if I am being left with a plethora of unanswered prayers then there is clearly a reason why. Weisel's quote got me thinking; I must be asking the wrong questions. Perhaps instead I should be asking G-d to give me the strength to help myself out of this unfortunate situation. Maybe I need to pray for the ability to see my own potential, a potential that could help me overcome this disease. Maybe my series of questions should sound more like "G-d thank you for the wealth of knowledge that you have given me through experience. How can I use this knowledge to strengthen my resolve and continue working to achieve health and happiness?" "I have been blessed with a supportive family; G-d can you help me learn how to utilize their love rather than shut them out?" Or, "Thank you for my G-d given intellect that allows me to think rationally even in my darkest moments. What must I do in order to utilize this intelligence when attempting to beat this disease?" "G-d, you have granted me with many blessings; how can I appreciate and maximize these gifts in order to reach my desired ends?" Instead of wondering if G-d has forgotten about me, or asking G-d what he can do for me directly, perhaps I need to ask what He can help me to do in order for me to better serve myself. It seems that I have been going about praying in the wrong way for all of this time. I have constantly focused on what I am lacking, what I need, and what I wish to be done for me. 

This quote provoked a new series of thoughts within me. Perhaps prayer isn't about requesting new tools or qualities in order to achieve our desired ends. Maybe prayer is meant to be a communication with G-d in which we recognize the qualities that already exist within us and our lives and seek guidance toward utilizing them in a more productive way. Weisel's statement really got me thinking! Well of course my prayers have gone unanswered; I have been asking the wrong questions all along. This line of thought connects to another quote that I have kept in the back of my mind for quite some time now-

"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." 

- Satchel Paige

Of course the obvious interpretation of this quote would be to not pray when things are bad if you fail to pray when things are good. Yet, I have always seen this quote in a different and less literal light. My personal interpretation extends beyond the scope of the phrase itself. I take Paige's words as saying don't pray for your needs if you are not willing to offer thanks as well. When I say my evening prayers I always try to include something that I am thankful for (unless I am in a truly desperate state and any feelings of gratitude have completely escaped me.) However it seems that my most recent questions directed at G-d, including have you forgotten about me, have neglected to include this component of thanks. With this quote and my personal interpretation of it in mind, I am almost ashamed of my selfish and self-pitying prayers and questions. 

G-d provides us with a tool kit in order to deal with life-

Who am I to inquire about G-d's mysterious ways of working? Who am I to question the presence of the omnipresent? How could I place blame on G-d for my own misfortunes when He has been generous enough to provide me with a series of blessings- intellect, family, wealth, friends, love- that can act as tools to help me solve my issues? If G-d had truly forgotten about me then He wouldn't have bestowed the useful gifts upon me. G-d isn't there to solve all of our problems or make them disappear. He is there as a comfort when we are feeling low. He is there to guide is in the right direction. He is present so that we are able to figure out for ourselves how to overcome the challenges that we face in our lives. Metaphorically G-d is like a teacher. Our teachers feed us new information and provide us with tools in order to solve the problems that we are given. While a good teacher helps us learn how to decipher a problem on our own they will not just give us the answer when we get stuck. It appears to me that G-d works in a similar way. He teaches us through experience and gives us the required equipment- knowledge, support systems, inner-strength, in order to overcome obstacles; however, He is not there to simply do the work for us and make and the issues disappear.

"...maintain my faith..."

I may be faced with a daunting task- fighting my anorexia- but G-d has already done his part by blessing me with the tools I need in order to beat this challenge. Now it is my turn to ask the right questions, pray appropriately, utilize the gifts in my life, maintain my faith, and put forth the required effort in order to solve this issue for myself.

Potential provided by G'd's many blessings-

Now that I have written this post it all seems so obvious and I feel a bit silly for whining about unanswered prayers and fearing that G-d has forgotten me. But perhaps I needed to feel that way and discover for myself (via this entry) that the presence of the omnipresent is unwavering. I may not always understand His decisions or mysterious workings but that is not an excuse for me doubt His existence, His capabilities, or His love. 
Moving forward I will pray with a different level of awareness and a new appreciation. I will do my best to answer the "right questions" and if they escape me I will simply pray to G-d to lead me in the direction of the correction questions to pose. Maybe some of these questions will remain unanswered. Perhaps the answers have been offered and I just do not recognize them because they are not being given in the manner in which I expected. Or it may be that I need to patient because the answers I am seeking will be received in time. 

Regardless, I must have faith that G-d is omnipresent, always keeping my best interest in mind. I may not feel it and I may not always believe it but I cannot ever allow myself to forget it. If I don't have confidence in a higher power than what do I have? Could it be that the comfort in believing in a higher power is a tool in itself? I can turn to the heavens and pray, feeling that I am never truly alone, I always have a confidante, and that the presence of a sympathetic ear is always with me. I may be confronting a hurdle but I know that I am not alone. The omnipresent G-d is there to help me even if I don't always understand his workings.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Do not lose faith,
xo

I hope I haven't made you over think it ! Let us have faith in the presence of the omnipresent-

Livin' On a Prayer, Bon Jovi

L'Chi Lach (And You Shall be a Blessing) and Mi Sheberach (Jewish Prayer for Healing), both by Debbie Friedman

I remember these songs bringing me comfort and filling me with peace as child while sitting in synagogue. Listening to them brings me back to simpler times and continue to send chills up my spine. Regardless of your faith I hope that you can appreciate them and that they provide you with the same comfort and solace that they have always given me.

Eating Disorder Awareness

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder please don't go through it alone. Be aware of the signs, symptoms, and often unspoken cries for help. I've included a series of links to informative sites about the illnesses, risks, warning signs, approaching a loved one, treatment, etc. Please know that you are never alone! Contact me directly if you have any questions or are in need of support and are not sure where to turn- rbesvi@sas.upenn.edu

  

National Eating Disorders Association

Something Fishy: Website on Eating Disorders

ANAD: National Association of Anorexia and Associated Illnesses

Weighing the Facts- A fellow Blogger ;)

Mean People Suck

Bitches are Everywhere

Dealing With Individuals Whom We Dislike

Mean People Suck

No matter your age, occupation, gender, or situation it is impossible to avoid individuals whom we dislike or don't get along with because quite frankly, bitches are everywhere. Mean people suck but unfortunately we are often forced to deal with them in a number of situations- at work, in social settings, in the classroom, on the street, and even in line at Starbucks. It seems that despite how hard we try to eliminate mean people and negative interactions from our lives they always find a way to sneak back in. Perhaps it is because of there abundance; could it be true that bitches are everywhere? Or maybe we continue to encounter individuals whom we dislike (or G-d forbid people who don't like us) because we are all so different and these differences make it impossible to be compatible with everyone.

"You can please some of the people all the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."

- John Lydgate

This is a quote that is frequently over used however its prominence does not detract from its valuable meaning. I find it relevant to this entry because it indirectly speaks to the fact that there are just people out there who we cannot please and likewise individuals who are unable to please us. Put simply, we can't get along with everyone. Luckily, we typically have the option to choose who we do and don't spend time with. We have the ability to pick friends with whom we mesh. We can choose to surround ourselves with positive people that add to our lives and enhance our happiness. We have the luxury of deciding who is worth our time and effort. But, sometimes we are not given this choice. There are occasions and situations that force us to interact with mean people or bitches or individuals whom we dislike. 

"We have the ability to pick friends with whom we mesh."

In my life this fact has materialized in the relationship I have with one of my current teachers. From day one we just did not get along. Her teaching style does not correspond with the methods of my previous teachers. Her knowledge of the subject and course material is certainly lacking (and that is putting it kindly.) And I automatically sensed bad energy radiating off of her and heading my direction. It felt as if my presence in the classroom was and is a nuisance to her. I don't know the reason for this initial and mutual dislike but I have definitely been aware of it since the beginning of the semester. As the past weeks have gone by I have picked up on subtle cues that she was not fond of me but I attempted to ignore them or set them aside because I didn't want to create an issue. (She is after all my teacher and subsequently the individual who will be evaluating me and grading my assignments. It is certainly less than ideal to piss off the person who has more authority than you- teacher, boss, parent, supervisor.) However recently the tension that has been building came to a head in the form of a face-to-face confrontation. The details of the situation are unimportant in order to present my case. Both of us were in the wrong, I admitted fault and apologized, and I even agreed to attempt to meet her requests in order to improve the relationship. But as I left the discussion it became apparently clear to me that this teacher was simply one of those people that I could not please. Although our negative feelings toward each other are now out in the open we still need to complete an even more daunting task: figuring out how to deal with one another for the remainder of the semester despite our mutual dislike. It's easy to say that mean people suck and it's even relatively easy to come to terms with the fact that bitches are everywhere; but neither of these statements will solve the issue at hand. How are we able to deal with people whom we dislike? I am going to turn to a book that I recently bought, Instant Happy by Karen Salmansohn, in an attempt to answer this question. The book suggests to,

"View your tormentors as mentors. Ask yourself, 'What is this person meant to teach me?' Every person in our lives has a lesson to teach. Some lessons include: How to be stronger, how to be more communicative, when to trust your intuition, how to be more self-loving, when to let go, why you want to be nothing like this person."

As I was flipping through the book today I came across the page that included this notion; it was exactly what I needed to read and/or hear at the moment. I was so angry at this teacher and frustrated that I was going to have to interact her for the next 2 months. I strongly dislike her and just what to be rid of her but I know that this desire is an impossibility. I needed to figure out a way to approach the situation that would enable me to deal with her and allow me to continue making progress as a student.

This perspective, viewing those we dislike and/or bitches as people who are meant to teach us something, allows me to recognize the value in this bad relationship. This instructor has the ability to teach me a few of the aforementioned lessons: how to be stronger, when to let go, and why I want to be nothing like her. During our confrontation today I was able to stand my ground and make clear, rational, and persuasive points. Despite being emotionally distraught I remained strong enough to articulate a fair and honest argument in order to support my case. This bitchy teacher helped me realize that I can maintain a strong mind and sound point of view in the face of adversity or a threat. Her negativity toward me also guided me toward the fact that I needed to let go. It became clear that I am not going to be able to manifest a close relationship with  like I have had with my previous instructors and professors. She showed me that it is time for me to stop trying to create something out of nothing. I need to let go of the idea that I will connect with her and accept the connection for what it is- a shitty relationship between a teacher and an over zealous student (ie. myself.) 

Bitches are Everywhere

Lastly this instructor is the perfect example of who I never want to be and what I want to be nothing like. She neglected to acknowledge my positive attributes- passion for the topic and my ambition- and cast a negative light upon these qualities, asserting that my questions disrupted the course of the class and that my participation often led our discussions astray. I was confused by her criticism because I have always been applauded for speaking up when I don't understand something (often my confusion reflects that of other students who fear using their voice or admitting a lack of comprehension.) Additionally, most instructors have always commented on my willingness to engage in class discussions and the positive contributions that I bring to class via participation. This teacher's critiques left me perplexed; she was making claims that completely countered everything I have been told by professors in the past. Her condemnation for my level and quality of class participation has left me feeling embarrassed and insecure. I no longer want to add to class discussions because I am afraid of being judged and/or disliked by this teacher. The person who is supposed to inspire students, build confidence, and promote ambition has single handedly thwarted my desire to contribute in the classroom. She has instilled a fear within me that will certainly prevent me from reaping the full benefits of the course and consequently hinder my ability to advance my knowledge in the subject. 

Shall we learn to deal with individuals whom we dislike?

I want to be nothing like her because I never want to be responsible for detracting from someones passion. I never want someone to fear expressing themselves because of my potential reaction. And I refuse to ever condemn a person for exhibiting genuine interest and care about a topic. This instructor was mean to me and that sucks; however, her nasty words and behaviors prompted me to think about the person that I want to be. I want to inspire people, help others recognize their passions, foster interest in different subjects, and be a positive influence for anyone that I encounter. By thinking about this teacher as a "mentor" rather than a "tormentor" I can continue to learn from her throughout the remainder of the semester. Dealing with her may not be easy or pleasurable but at least I can find some value in the relationship. However this approach can be difficult to implement; we can't always see past our dislike and find a way to recognize the positive in a negative situation. Sometimes the only way to deal with individuals whom we dislike is to make light.

"Make light" of the situation-

"If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself;  if it be a lie, laugh at it."

- Epictetus

The portion of this quote that I want to focus on is the final line- "if it be a lie, laugh at it." So often we are unable to get along with people because they dislike us for reasons that are untrue or misconstrued. 

"...people dislike us for reasons that are untrue..."

For example, in my case, my instructor finds issue with me because she interprets my behavior in class as being inconsiderate or selfish. However I know that her perception of me is incorrect. I speak often and ask numerous questions not because I am solely concerned with my self-interest but because I have a true desire to understand the concepts and learn. I know that my level of participation is a consequence of my want to learn and reflective of my zeal. However, she has interpreted my actions in a different and incorrect way; she has misconstrued my motives and consequently has formulated a falsified image of me as a student and a person. Perhaps this is one of the main reasons for our inability to get along. My case is not unique; frequently people misunderstand and/or misinterpret our actions and subsequently form a negative opinion about us. In these cases maybe the best thing for us to do is to just laugh it off. We know what our true desires and intentions are. We cannot blame ourselves for other's interpretations nor can we control how other people perceive us. When we have difficulty with others because of their own inaccurate perceptions and assumptions we need to simply let go, as the previous quote suggested. Remind yourself of your true intent or motives behind your behavior. 

Sometimes you must laugh it off-

Accept that this person with whom you don't get along has created an untrue idea of who you are and what you are about. And then just say fuck it. Laugh about it. Add some levity to the situation. You know that they are wrong but you don't have the capability of altering their view; therefore the only thing you can do to cope with the situation and/or deal with the individual is to laugh. They are wrong and that is not your fault. Sometimes we just have people in our lives who suck. Joke about the fact that they are stupid, judgmental, or incorrect. Often the best cure for unfortunate situations is laughter. If you can't appreciate the relationship for its value than at least take advantage of its humorous element. Yet, sometimes even this approach is too difficult to accomplish or its simply inappropriate and then we are forced to find a new means of dealing with individuals whom we dislike. We are left with one last way of handling mean people or bitches- gaining a level of tolerance. This method is not easy either; in fact it may be the most difficult. But if we are unable to like someone, often the best alternative is to at least find a way to tolerate them.

"It requires less character to discover the faults of others than it does to tolerate them."

- J. Petit Senn

It is very easy to pick apart other people, recognizing and criticizing all of their misdoings and inadequacies. But at the end of the day what does this practice serve us? Great, I can call my teacher a bitch, I can say that she is mean and unjust, I can assert that she has poor teaching skills, and question her knowledge of the subject; but ultimately how do any of those things help me? Ok, they may make me feel better momentarily but they don't support my cause or goal: learning about the topic and earning a good grade the course. Ultimately I have to figure out how to deal with my instructor whom I dislike in order to achieve my desired ends. I can try to recognize the value of the negative relationship and learn about myself from it. I can add levity to the situation and laugh about her misconceptions as a means of getting myself through the remainder of the semester. But if these methods fail me I am left with my one, final tool: tolerance. 

I am viewing tolerance as a skill that can be learned or a circumstance that we can adjust to. For example, when we turn off the lights and are left in pitch black we are unable to see at first. But, as time goes by, our eyes begin to adjust to the new lighting and we are able to see things that we could not see initially. Lets imagine tolerance in the same way. Perhaps at first the circumstance or person seems absolutely unbearable. But, as time progresses we can learn to adjust, tolerating their faults, shortcomings, and irritating behavior. Hopefully with time I will be able to adjust and gain a level of tolerance with respect to my  instructor. Think about the people who you interact with from day-to-day. I am sure there are a number of individuals whom you dislike that you are forced to engage with because of work, school, family relations, etc.

Fix the way you deal with those you dislike so that you can live with them-

How have you been dealing with these people? What is your method of handling negative relations? Is it working for you? Is it negatively impacting others around you? Is it prohibiting you from performing to the best of your ability? If your current way of dealing with these bitches who seem to be everywhere isn't really working for you then it is time to implement a change. Take your pick- find value in a seemingly negative situation, laugh it off, or manage to gain a level of tolerance. Mean people suck but unfortunately we are going to continue to encounter them for the duration of our lives, and sometimes we don't have the option to avoid interaction with them. Therefore we need to adopt a means of dealing with people whom we dislike; if we don't we are sure to suffer- mentally, emotionally, academically, professionally, and personally. We can't afford to limit ourselves because we are unable to please and/or get along with everyone whom we encounter. I encourage you to make use of one of these tactics the next time you are forced to come face-to-face with one of your "tormentors." You have the strength within you and now you have the equipment to deal with the abundance of mean people that populate this earth. Don't let someone whom you dislike prohibit your success. Don't let bitches stand in the way of your ability to move forward. Let us acknowledge that mean people suck and then use our power to deal with them.

Use your strength to beat the bitches,
xo

Don't let the bitches waste your time; learn, laugh, and/or tolerate instead !

"family.ca," Anti-bullying Ad for bullying.org-