Act Like a Grown Up

Relationships Require Work

Handling Issues in a Mature Manner

Act Like a Grown Up

As I have said in earlier posts such as, Release Your Inner-Child and Child-Like Enthusiasm, I am most definitely an advocate of catering to the needs of your inner-child and behaving in a childish manner for the sake of fun. However, sometimes situations demand us to act like grown ups and behave in a mature manner. This past week has shown me that I can't always rely on the adult within me to handle issues appropriately, specifically with respect to a number of relationships in my life. For me, building connections has always been the easy part of relationships. It is the sustaining aspect that proves to be quite difficult. No matter the type of relationship- boyfriend, sibling, best friend, therapist- issues will always arise. Sometimes these issues are as mild as a simple disagreement or a miscommunication. However, often these problems come in the form of dramatic, blow out arguments. These complex and often personal issues test us as well as the relationship itself. 

Good relationships demand a level of maturity-

Are we willing to put forth the great amount of work required to mend the relationship? Are we able to handle issues in a mature manner in order to move forward with the relationship? Can we act like a grown up and face the problem head on or is it easier to just give up on the relationship and walk away?

"It isn't sufficient just to want- you've got to ask yourself what are you going to do to get the things you want."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

I think that Roosevelt's words are perfect in answering the series of questions that I posed.

Friendships Require Work

Our willingness to work for relationships and resolve issues in a mature manner is truly dependent upon what we want. Our decision of whether or not to act like a grown up when grappling with the task of sustaining a relationship is directly connected to the amount that we value it. We deem some relationships less significant or important than others and often come to the conclusion that they are not worth the amount of work required in order to maintain them. In these cases we may let a small disagreement break apart the relationship because we just don't "want" it enough. We don't care to work in order to continue the friendship nor do we desire to display the effort that is needed when handling issues in a mature

manner. Instead, we choose to let the friendship go, and we move forward with our lives, feeling relatively unscathed. While we may have many relationships that we are not too afraid of losing, we also having a number of relationships that we ascribe value. These important relationships can come in the form of a best friend, a spouse, a sister, an aunt, etc. The relationship title is not what matters in this scenario. What is significant is the amount of care that we have for the relationship and the other person involved. These connections are what we "want" and wish to maintain and protect. But as Roosevelt says, it is not enough to simply want; we need to come up with a plan in order to achieve or obtain what it is that we desire. I feel that this quote can be applied to the want we feel with respect to sustaining our valuable personal relationships.

This past week it was necessary for me to figure out what it was that I needed to do in order to protect two separate relationships, both of which I regard as important to both me as well as my life. My life circumstances have changed the way I think about friendship, and has forced me to reconstruct my view of best friends or close friends. I have about five, maybe six, friends who I refer to as my best friends. They range in age from 17-40 and they live all over North America, from Montreal to Los Angeles to New Jersey. I don't get to see most of them a lot of the time. We can go over a year without seeing one another, but, that doesn't change the fact that we are good friends. Time and distance does not matter when you truly connect to and love a person. Time and distance may not threaten our friendships but other factors can. Last weekend my best friend from New York was supposed to visit me in Philadelphia. We hadn't seen each other in 8 months and I could not wait for her to arrive. I prepared everything with pain staking attention- cleaning my apartment, stocking my refrigerator with wine and diet soda, stashing a bottle of Grey Goose in the freezer, and carefully

"I prepared everything..."

wrapping a number of little gifts for her to open upon her arrival. However her arrival date continued to get postponed for a variety of reasons, none of which were my fault. The final straw came when she chose to stay in the city and party instead of boarding the bus to come and visit me. I was absolutely heart broken and angry. Maybe it would have been easier or even wiser for me to simply say forget it and toss the friendship away. But, I couldn't do that. Throwing away the relationship would not have been the mature way to handle the issue. Not to mention that I didn't want to lose the friendship, because despite the disappointment and anger that I felt, I still loved and cared about her. This is one of those special and valuable relationships. This is a friendship that I want. So, after collecting myself and gathering my thoughts, I needed to decide what I had to do in order to sustain the friendship i.e. "get what I want." My friend did ultimately arrive that following Monday, and although I was beyond ecstatic to see her, I knew that I needed to act like a grown up and address what had transpired in a mature manner. 

Time to handle the issue in a mature manner-

It wasn't an easy or fun conversation for either one of us. It would have been nice to be able to set it aside and just forget, avoiding any potential discomfort or tension that could result from the discussion. But real relationships require work, even though it is not enjoyable, in order to sustain and substantiate them. Although the conversation was not pleasant, it was necessary to have so that we could move forward and feel as if we were both understood. Needless to say, after our discussion we ended up having a wildly fabulous time together, as we always do. The work that we put into the friendship has strengthened it and will hopefully prevent similar issues from arising in the future.

"...I ended up having a blow out fight..."

Later that week I ended up having a blow out fight with a second of my dear friends. (This was a very odd week for me considering I rarely find myself in altercations with my friends.) Our outrageous and alcohol fueled argument resulted in hurtful words on both our halves and I ended up kicking my friend out of my apartment in the middle of the night. All in all it was a tumultuous evening and I found myself wondering if the situation could ever be truly remedied. We were both angry, hurt, frustrated, vulnerable, and sad. I was truly irritated and outraged because I had felt that my apartment, my safe space, my home, had been violated or tainted. My usually calm and peaceful space had been filled with negative and harmful energy. Even my own demeanor and behavior were unrecognizable to me. How could I forgive this person who hurt me and damaged my sense of safety in such a significant way? I awoke the next morning to a series of texts from my friend and I decided that I owed it to both of us to act like a grown up and at least try to work through the problems that we had been encountering. I spend a great deal of time with this friend and we have become exceptionally close in a very short period of time. She stays at my apartment nearly five days a week and I have become accustomed to talking, relaxing, eating, and going out with her. We have a deep level of trust and understanding. It would not have been fair to either one of us for me to simply write her off after this crazy fight. We both still wanted the friendship, but we needed to figure out "what [we] [were] going to do" in order to sustain

"What are [we] going to do?"

it. It was evident that we were both very willing to do the work that is required in order to maintain relationships. The concern was: could we manage to handle the issue in a mature manner and calmly and honestly discuss the problems at hand? We chose to meet for coffee (a very grown up behavior if I do say so myself) in order to talk about the argument, what prompted it, what we need to do moving forward in order to prevent future blow outs, and offer each other apologies. After our conversation I had no concerns regarding the status of our close friendship. We may hit more bumps along the way, but I am confident that we will be able to handle any issues maturely, and that we will continue to be good friends for the remainder of our lives. (As we always say, we will be adults together, sitting by the pool, drinking margaritas, and watching our kids play.)

A lot goes into our decision when we deem a relationship significant and/or valuable. Many elements relate to the other person such as, loyalty, kindness, honesty, generosity, fun, etc. Some aspects have more to do with the way the other person makes us feel. For example my friend from New York makes me feel that I am worth being loved. She helps me see that not only can I have fun but that I can be fun. But a lot of the factors that build the foundation of an important personal relationship are not about the individuals separately, but rather the individuals together, the relationship itself. For example my relationship with the second friend that I mentioned is open and honest, completely mutual, and fair. 

When we ascribe value to a relationship we are making a choice that this connection is something that we want. Like anything else in life that we want, maintaining meaningful relationships requires work, and demands that we plot a course in order to achieve our desired ends. When it comes to sustaining friendships the course is never easy nor is it ever the same. Each friend that we have is unique and subsequently the steps required for holding on to each friendship will be unique as well. However, I believe that there is a general rule to applied when working to maintain, protect, and salvage relationships: Act like a grown up. So you are probably wondering what exactly I mean by this? The following is a list of what I believe to be a few (but definitely not all) of the necessary actions involved when striving to behave as a mature adult in a relationship.

Sometimes you don't have a choice-

• Be honest about your feelings. A true friend will listen and try to understand your point of view. Holding back will only lead to hurt feelings and unintentional damage.

• Listen to the other person. When I say listen I mean really listen. Don't just sit there while the other person is talking while your brain zooms off into outer space. Good friends give the other person in the friendship the opportunity to use their voice and share. A great friend actually listens to their words and responds thoughtfully and appropriately.

• Give and receive. Relationships must be mutual in order for them to be successful. One-sided relationships usually lead to the giver feeling resentful and occasionally leaves the receiver feeling either guilty or overwhelmed. All relationships involve a give and take. If you find yourself constantly giving (as I often do) then maybe it is time to lay off for a bit and give your friend the opportunity to be the giver.

• Fight fair. This is a concept that my Mother always tried to force upon during my childhood. So what exactly is fighting fairly? Well I think my Mother was trying to tell me that when we are engaged in an argument or disagreement we should not rely on nasty statements or cruel jabs in order to bring the other person down. Calling someone fat or a bitch may make you feel good in the moment, because you have successfully hurt the other person, but you will probably regret name calling of this sort later on. Additionally fighting fairly allows you to get down to the real problems at hand. It is constructive because it moves the relationship in a forward direction. You may be fighting but you are not wasting breath on words that hold no real value. Instead you can argue about what is actually bothering you, rather fighting over/in gibberish.

• Face issues as they come. I think that this may be the most importantly guideline when it comes to friendships. Too many relationships dissolve because of grudges or because those involved chose to stew instead of addressing a problem in the moment. If we fail to face problems at the moment that they arise they tend to get thrown into a large pile of already existing issues. At some point the pile will get too large and everything will spill out. A bunch of little things suddenly become one massive thing and can result in the demise of a relationship. Don't let little things slide all the time. If something is bothering you than let your friend know in the moment. Doing so will prevent an emotional explosion later on down the road and could possibly save your friendship.

Can't help but indulge my inner-child !

Ok, so I have spent this entry advising you to act like a grown up and to be mature. I may sound like a complete hypocrite because I so frequently condone indulging your inner-child and even urge you to not take life so seriously, as I did in my recent post, Have Time for a Quicky? For fear of confusion and/or seeming inconsistent, I do want to assert that I believe a great deal of things and situations in our lives can be approached in a light-hearted way. I will still laugh at occurrences that others don't find funny. I will continue to poke fun at situations when others seem to be behaving overly staunch. And I will always buy Hello Kitty stickers when I see them in order to appease my inner-child. But I know that certain situations in my life require a level of maturity. When it comes to friendship, I take it very seriously. My friends are my family and my passion. They nourish my mind and my soul. My closest friends are the recipients of my strongest degree of love. For these reasons I have forced myself to weigh the pros and cons of choosing to act like a grown up. It seems to me that the only way to maintain a strong and true bond (despite time, age gaps, distance, socioeconomic status, etc.) with a good friend is to approach the relationship with a level of maturity. Yes, it is very hard for me to tell my inner-child to go away and let the adult in me reign supreme; but, I know that this is the only way that I will be able to sustain the friendships that I have created, and in my mind my dearest friends are worth that and so much more.

Hold your friends close (even when they are far away),
xo

You're My Best Friend, Queen

Have Time for a Quicky?

Keeping it Short...

Levity and Brevity

Before I begin I want to apologize for my extreme neglect to my blog recently. These past few weeks have just been absolutely crazy in terms of work and even now I don't have that much time to write. Composing an entry can take me up to 2-3 hours and for this reason I have decided to really try and keep it short today. I also am considering attempting to write briefer entries because of a suggestion I recently received. My mother brought to my attention that not only does it take me a long amount of time to write my entries but to read one in its entirety demands a lot of time on the part of my readers. With these thoughts in mind I am going to work toward sticking to my goal of brevity. However, brevity and time are not the only things inspiring me to write today. Recently I have had some negative encounters with others because of the level of levity I take when thinking about and discussing my eating disorder. Of course I understand that anorexia nervosa is a serious and a potentially fatal illness (I have had over a decade of experience with it so it would be nearly impossible for me to not know these facts). But, my experience has also taught me that taking it too seriously and thinking about its risks all the time will only lead me down a road of hopelessness and depression. Similarly, working hard to actively fight it everyday- challenging eating disordered thoughts, drinking supplements and eating things I don't want, and gaining weight- will only cause me to be upset and unhappy. 

My approach may be off putting for some and even challenged by many (as I have learned recently via critical correspondence with friends and acquaintances) but quite frankly, it works for me and that's all that really matters. I may not be a "healthy" weight and I definitely don't eat as much as I should, but all in all, I am relatively happy and at the end of the day happiness is all I am seeking. I don't dwell on my illness and the negative impacts it has had on my life. It has caused too much sadness and pain in my past. Why would I want to think about and relive that agony on a daily basis? Likewise, choosing to actively fight in the hopes of achieving "recovery" (whatever that means...it seems that no one can really agree on a definition) is not one of my top priorities. I'd much rather go about my life, enjoying what I have now, and having fun, than putting forth intensive effort toward something I am not sure I really want. We all have challenges, sadness, and painful situations and experiences in our lives. Some of these situations are chronic- anorexia nervosa, diabetes, death of a loved one. These things are with us all of the time and have the potential to affect us every moment of every day. They can be all consuming and prevent us from living the lives we want. My approach to dealing with my chronic illness is by making light of and adding levity to the situation, because if I didn't I would be trapped in cage of misery and helplessness. Some people may think that incorporating levity is inappropriate and I will admit that sometimes it is (such as at the funeral of a loved one who just passed away.) But in general I believe that adding some humor to otherwise depressing circumstance is often the only way to cope and continue living your life.

"Life is too important to be taken seriously!"

- Oscar Wilde

I absolutely love this quote by Oscar Wilde. (In fact it is hanging on my refrigerator in my apartment.) Life is of the utmost importance because we only get one. It is our job to make the most of it for our own sakes. Of course some things in life do need to be taken seriously- work, paying bills, school, etc. But, in truth, so many of us opt to approach things in a serious way when in reality they don't need to be taken so "seriously."

This is my opinion about my illness. Yes, I am underweight. Yes, for all intensive purposes I restrict on a daily basis. And yes, ultimately I will need to change my ways if I hope to get married, have children, and live a long and prosperous life. But for the time being I don't find a need to think about my eating disorder in a serious manner. I am not in an acute medical state. I am not unable to fulfill obligations and perform my daily tasks. And I am not distraught or bothered by the way I am living my life right now. These reasons allow me to engage in levity when thinking and talking about my eating disorder.

 But perhaps more importantly, this levity helps me to cope with the reality of it, enables me to move forward with my life, and be happy! No matter the difficult situation- illness, arguments, loss- levity can act as a fabulous tool for dealing with hardship on a daily basis. Dwelling on it and taking it so seriously often makes the difficulty harder to deal with and manage. I hope you can take my approach, and add a degree of levity to your life, especially when facing upsetting or painful circumstances. I think you'll find that once you stop looking at the issues in an intense light that you will be able to better enjoy the important thing that we call life!

Don't worry be happy,

xo

Don't Worry be Happy, Bobby McFerrin

Unanswered Prayers

Has G-d Forgotten About Me?

The Presence of the Omnipresent

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"

Jeremiah 29:11

Recently I have found myself in an all too familiar situation. My anorexia nervosa has found a way to slip into my life yet again, leaving me physically and mentally broken. I was so exhausted this past weekend that I literally couldn't move. I missed all of my classes Monday and felt as if my life was unravelling before my very eyes. I am behind on course work and class material. My absences are quickly mounting beyond an acceptable level. My academic life, the place where I usually find it easy to excel, is becoming chaotic and overwhelming. 

"My mind reflects the chaos that is ensuing in my life."

My mind reflects the chaos that is ensuing in my life. My eating disordered thoughts are out of control. My weight is low and I have no desire for it to increase. My mind is consumed with fear and irrational thoughts. The image I see in the mirror is completed distorted, manipulated and twisted by the disorder that is ravaging my brain and my body. I am angry and frustrated with myself, with my life, and with G-d. I feel as if I have done all can do in order to create a fulfilling and happy life for myself. Yet, as soon as I get close to feeling content and in control it seems as if G-d throws another issue my way. 

"...I find myself haunted by the same eating disorder demons..."

I pray each night for fulfillment and happiness both of which sound to me like pretty reasonable and feasible requests. But when I wake up every morning and find myself haunted by the same eating disorder demons I can't help but think that my prayers have yet again gone unanswered. When we are praying for irrational or infeasible things- winning the lottery, permanent vacations, magical results- we can't help but expect unanswered prayers. But what does it mean when the simplest of requests are denied? Has G-d forgotten about me? Is my chronic illness a punishment for some unspeakable crime that I have committed but am somehow unaware of? Or, am simply praying and/or asking for the wrongs things? I really am not sure. I want to believe that G-d is this omnipresent force that is always with me, looking out for me, and protecting me and all others deserving of his gifts. But lately I have started to have doubts regarding the presence of the omnipresent. If G-d were truly and omnipresent force of good than why is it that so many of us are suffering, myself included? While I don't have an answer for any of these questions I do have a quote that is helping me find some solace during this time of fear and uncertainty-

"I pray to the G-d within me that He will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions."

- Elie Weisel, "Night"

I discovered Weisel's words today while perusing a long list of quotes that I have accumulated over time. It seemed to be calling to me and I have to believe that I came across it for a reason. Perhaps it isn't that G-d has forgotten about me, maybe I am just asking the wrong questions and looking for answers in the wrong places. Could it be that it is not G-d's duty to answer our prayers but instead lead us in the direction of questioning appropriately? Once we have learned to ask the "right questions" and correctly find responses then maybe it won't seems as if our prayers are going unanswered. Today I am using this quote almost like an affirmation-

Hoping for the ability to ask the "right questions"-

G-d will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions and pray accordingly.

Perhaps it is time that I leave the questions, which reek of self-pity and anger, behind. I need to put an end to my line of questioning which focuses purely on myself, my woes, and neglects to acknowledge the blessing that exist within my life. Farewell to the "Why would you curse me with this chronic and fatal illness?" So long to the "Why would you put me on this early simply so I could suffer and slowly kill myself?" It's time to stop asking "Why am I forced to live a miserable existence that hurts me and everyone I love?" I have to stop with this "Why me" approach because it is clearly not getting me anywhere. 

"I have to stop with this 'why me' approach..."

G-d is not answering my questions. He is not lifting me out of this metaphorical Hell. And He is not intervening in order to save me from myself. If I feel as if I am being left with a plethora of unanswered prayers then there is clearly a reason why. Weisel's quote got me thinking; I must be asking the wrong questions. Perhaps instead I should be asking G-d to give me the strength to help myself out of this unfortunate situation. Maybe I need to pray for the ability to see my own potential, a potential that could help me overcome this disease. Maybe my series of questions should sound more like "G-d thank you for the wealth of knowledge that you have given me through experience. How can I use this knowledge to strengthen my resolve and continue working to achieve health and happiness?" "I have been blessed with a supportive family; G-d can you help me learn how to utilize their love rather than shut them out?" Or, "Thank you for my G-d given intellect that allows me to think rationally even in my darkest moments. What must I do in order to utilize this intelligence when attempting to beat this disease?" "G-d, you have granted me with many blessings; how can I appreciate and maximize these gifts in order to reach my desired ends?" Instead of wondering if G-d has forgotten about me, or asking G-d what he can do for me directly, perhaps I need to ask what He can help me to do in order for me to better serve myself. It seems that I have been going about praying in the wrong way for all of this time. I have constantly focused on what I am lacking, what I need, and what I wish to be done for me. 

This quote provoked a new series of thoughts within me. Perhaps prayer isn't about requesting new tools or qualities in order to achieve our desired ends. Maybe prayer is meant to be a communication with G-d in which we recognize the qualities that already exist within us and our lives and seek guidance toward utilizing them in a more productive way. Weisel's statement really got me thinking! Well of course my prayers have gone unanswered; I have been asking the wrong questions all along. This line of thought connects to another quote that I have kept in the back of my mind for quite some time now-

"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." 

- Satchel Paige

Of course the obvious interpretation of this quote would be to not pray when things are bad if you fail to pray when things are good. Yet, I have always seen this quote in a different and less literal light. My personal interpretation extends beyond the scope of the phrase itself. I take Paige's words as saying don't pray for your needs if you are not willing to offer thanks as well. When I say my evening prayers I always try to include something that I am thankful for (unless I am in a truly desperate state and any feelings of gratitude have completely escaped me.) However it seems that my most recent questions directed at G-d, including have you forgotten about me, have neglected to include this component of thanks. With this quote and my personal interpretation of it in mind, I am almost ashamed of my selfish and self-pitying prayers and questions. 

G-d provides us with a tool kit in order to deal with life-

Who am I to inquire about G-d's mysterious ways of working? Who am I to question the presence of the omnipresent? How could I place blame on G-d for my own misfortunes when He has been generous enough to provide me with a series of blessings- intellect, family, wealth, friends, love- that can act as tools to help me solve my issues? If G-d had truly forgotten about me then He wouldn't have bestowed the useful gifts upon me. G-d isn't there to solve all of our problems or make them disappear. He is there as a comfort when we are feeling low. He is there to guide is in the right direction. He is present so that we are able to figure out for ourselves how to overcome the challenges that we face in our lives. Metaphorically G-d is like a teacher. Our teachers feed us new information and provide us with tools in order to solve the problems that we are given. While a good teacher helps us learn how to decipher a problem on our own they will not just give us the answer when we get stuck. It appears to me that G-d works in a similar way. He teaches us through experience and gives us the required equipment- knowledge, support systems, inner-strength, in order to overcome obstacles; however, He is not there to simply do the work for us and make and the issues disappear.

"...maintain my faith..."

I may be faced with a daunting task- fighting my anorexia- but G-d has already done his part by blessing me with the tools I need in order to beat this challenge. Now it is my turn to ask the right questions, pray appropriately, utilize the gifts in my life, maintain my faith, and put forth the required effort in order to solve this issue for myself.

Potential provided by G'd's many blessings-

Now that I have written this post it all seems so obvious and I feel a bit silly for whining about unanswered prayers and fearing that G-d has forgotten me. But perhaps I needed to feel that way and discover for myself (via this entry) that the presence of the omnipresent is unwavering. I may not always understand His decisions or mysterious workings but that is not an excuse for me doubt His existence, His capabilities, or His love. 
Moving forward I will pray with a different level of awareness and a new appreciation. I will do my best to answer the "right questions" and if they escape me I will simply pray to G-d to lead me in the direction of the correction questions to pose. Maybe some of these questions will remain unanswered. Perhaps the answers have been offered and I just do not recognize them because they are not being given in the manner in which I expected. Or it may be that I need to patient because the answers I am seeking will be received in time. 

Regardless, I must have faith that G-d is omnipresent, always keeping my best interest in mind. I may not feel it and I may not always believe it but I cannot ever allow myself to forget it. If I don't have confidence in a higher power than what do I have? Could it be that the comfort in believing in a higher power is a tool in itself? I can turn to the heavens and pray, feeling that I am never truly alone, I always have a confidante, and that the presence of a sympathetic ear is always with me. I may be confronting a hurdle but I know that I am not alone. The omnipresent G-d is there to help me even if I don't always understand his workings.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Do not lose faith,
xo

I hope I haven't made you over think it ! Let us have faith in the presence of the omnipresent-

Livin' On a Prayer, Bon Jovi

L'Chi Lach (And You Shall be a Blessing) and Mi Sheberach (Jewish Prayer for Healing), both by Debbie Friedman

I remember these songs bringing me comfort and filling me with peace as child while sitting in synagogue. Listening to them brings me back to simpler times and continue to send chills up my spine. Regardless of your faith I hope that you can appreciate them and that they provide you with the same comfort and solace that they have always given me.

Eating Disorder Awareness

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder please don't go through it alone. Be aware of the signs, symptoms, and often unspoken cries for help. I've included a series of links to informative sites about the illnesses, risks, warning signs, approaching a loved one, treatment, etc. Please know that you are never alone! Contact me directly if you have any questions or are in need of support and are not sure where to turn- rbesvi@sas.upenn.edu

  

National Eating Disorders Association

Something Fishy: Website on Eating Disorders

ANAD: National Association of Anorexia and Associated Illnesses

Weighing the Facts- A fellow Blogger ;)

In Good Company

The Gift of a Strong Connection

Relationships: Build, Maintain, Appreciate

Three's Company, (1976-1984)

Over the past week or so I have become acutely aware of the different relationships in my life. We all have numerous people- friends, acquaintances, teachers, doctors, family members, co-workers- who we connect with on a daily basis. However we often neglect to notice these relationships, the effort it takes to sustain them, and their significance. Relationships require work in order to build and maintain them. Too often we forget to acknowledge the amount of effort that we have put in in order to form a connection with someone. Likewise we frequently neglect to take the time to sit back and appreciate the relationships that we have been able to create. It is time that we recognize that a strong connection is truly a gift and should not be taken for granted. I have been attempting to increase my consciousness regarding the variety of relationships that I have. 

"[My Mom and I] have a special relationship."

Last week I enjoyed a calm and delicious dinner at my apartment with my Mom. I sat back and savored the time that we were able to spend together. We have a special relationship; I am completely honest with her and can talk to her about nearly anything- my eating disorder, sex, trouble with friends, my fears. I know that our connection is strong and unique; not all daughters are able to confide in their mothers to the degree that I can. 

Yesterday I ran into a professor who's class I was in last fall. Over the course of the semester I worked diligently, participated in class discussions, regularly attended office hours, and earned high marks. I was able to build a connection with this professor because of my work ethic and level of dedication. This connection served me well later on in the semester when I needed to take a medical leave of absence. My professor was sympathetic, gave me a hug (although it was against University policy), and expressed both care and concern for me and my well-being. I was thankful for the relationship that I had been able to build with her because she provided me with exactly what I needed- kindness, comfort, and support- during a time of weakness and pain. 

"Yesterday I ran into a professor..."

Over the past year I have not done a great job at maintaining the relationship that we had. But, when I saw her yesterday, we interacted as if no time had passed. She expressed the same interest, concern, and care for me that she had displayed over a year ago. We both asserted that we will be sure to be in contact in the near future in order to catch up and I am certain that I will stay true to my word in order to maintain our strong connection. I had already appreciated the way she helped me when I was struggling and needed to leave school; but, after our run-in yesterday I gained an even greater appreciation for our relationship. It is rewarding for me to know that my professor genuinely respects and cares about me because of the way I presented myself as a student in her classroom. 

Building relationships and connections-

Today I had the pleasure of engaging with a potential new friend. A girl in one of my classes recognized me from other classes that we have had together. We began talking after class and it seemed as if we had an instant connection. The conversation flowed effortlessly and before we separated we exchanged numbers. Right now we are merely acquaintances but I can foresee that we could easily become friends if I work toward building a relationship with her. So why is it that I am providing you with a series of accounts regarding my personal interactions? Well, I guess I am trying to show you that relationships and strong connections can come in a variety of forms. We can't rule someone out because they don't appear to be the type of person we usually relate to. (One of my best friends is nearly 40 years old and is a college professor with her doctorates. Another of my best friends is only 17 years old and lives in Canada.) If we are open to the possibility of forming a relationship than our opportunities to do so are endless. 

"We all have numerous people who we connect with on a daily basis."

"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied."

- Antoine de Saint

I chose this quote because it expresses how fundamental relationships are to our essence, our well-being, and our lives. We cannot exist alone, isolated from the world. We learn about ourselves by interacting with other people. We are able to recognize our likes and dislikes. Relations introduce new things- foods, books, ideas- to us. And these people can remind us of things about ourselves that we may have forgotten.

Recently I have been spending a huge amount of time with a new friend. We both instantaneously felt a strong connection and I view her presence in my life as a gift and I strongly believe that this feeling is mutual. In our case building the friendship was quick work and maintaining it has been just as easy. Now we have reached the glorious period in relationships when you are able to relax and appreciate. I am so thankful to have her as a friend because when I am with her I always feel that I am in good company. 

Our Pinot of choice-

We can talk for hours about all topics- school, eating disorder shit, boys, family, worries, future plans. We both share a strong liking for Pinot Grigio and Parliament Light cigarettes (the 100s). And our connection is strong because we can relate on so many different levels. We trust each other and are able to have serious and honest conversations when we need to. We can go out together drinking, partying, and causing a ruckus. But we are also able to enjoy low key nights, sitting in my apartment, sharing a bottle of wine, chain smoking cigarettes, and talking for hours on end. 

"...chain smoking cigarettes..."

I think about the time that we have spent together so far and I am so appreciative of every single moment- each laughing fit, every conversation, each secret divulged, and every commonality discovered. She has been staying with me quite often recently and it is nice to have some company after living alone for the past few months. It is a comfort to know that I have someone to debrief with at the end of the day; but, more importantly, it is a blessing to be certain that I will be going to sleep happy and smiling every night.

"Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings."

- Miles Franklin

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all need people, connections, relationships. I suppose we could exist without them but it seems to me that doing so would result in a very miserable and depressing life. Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time, but there comes a point in all of our lives when we need and/or want someone who we can talk to, share experiences with, care about, and love. Sometimes thinking about relationships can be exhausting. Whether it's a friendship, a familial relationship, or an intimate relationship there is no doubt that all relationships take a degree of effort. First, you need to find a person that you relate to on some basic level. Once you have determined that you are interested in forming a relationship with this person you need to put in the work in order to build the foundation and structure of it. And even after a solid bond has been formed you must continue to work in order to maintain the relationship. But once all the dirty work is done, and you've created a strong connection, you are able to discover that your efforts were not futile or exerted for naught. Honestly, nothing can compare to a true friend, a close relationship, or a strong connection; they are gifts that should be treasure and appreciated. Relationships are dynamic, miraculous entities that can supply us with an infinite number of gifts- self-worth, sense of calm, fun, self-acceptance, sense of safety, knowledge, feelings of belonging and/or acceptance, happiness. It can be difficult at first when attempting to create new relationships; but when you are sitting among friends, in good company, you come to realize that it is well worth the effort. 

"Most of us don't need a psychiatric therapist as much a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

Relationships are gifts from G-d that sustain, fulfill, and enrich us and our lives. No matter the type of relationship- friendship, spouse, sibling- take the time and effort to build, maintain, and appreciate it because nothing is more valuable than a person who you can share your life with.

Take a moment and reach out in order to connect,

xo

"But when you are sitting among friends...you come to realize that is was well worth the effort."

You've Got a Friend in Me, Randy Newman in Disney's animated film, Toy Story (1995)