Have Time for a Quicky?

Keeping it Short...

Levity and Brevity

Before I begin I want to apologize for my extreme neglect to my blog recently. These past few weeks have just been absolutely crazy in terms of work and even now I don't have that much time to write. Composing an entry can take me up to 2-3 hours and for this reason I have decided to really try and keep it short today. I also am considering attempting to write briefer entries because of a suggestion I recently received. My mother brought to my attention that not only does it take me a long amount of time to write my entries but to read one in its entirety demands a lot of time on the part of my readers. With these thoughts in mind I am going to work toward sticking to my goal of brevity. However, brevity and time are not the only things inspiring me to write today. Recently I have had some negative encounters with others because of the level of levity I take when thinking about and discussing my eating disorder. Of course I understand that anorexia nervosa is a serious and a potentially fatal illness (I have had over a decade of experience with it so it would be nearly impossible for me to not know these facts). But, my experience has also taught me that taking it too seriously and thinking about its risks all the time will only lead me down a road of hopelessness and depression. Similarly, working hard to actively fight it everyday- challenging eating disordered thoughts, drinking supplements and eating things I don't want, and gaining weight- will only cause me to be upset and unhappy. 

My approach may be off putting for some and even challenged by many (as I have learned recently via critical correspondence with friends and acquaintances) but quite frankly, it works for me and that's all that really matters. I may not be a "healthy" weight and I definitely don't eat as much as I should, but all in all, I am relatively happy and at the end of the day happiness is all I am seeking. I don't dwell on my illness and the negative impacts it has had on my life. It has caused too much sadness and pain in my past. Why would I want to think about and relive that agony on a daily basis? Likewise, choosing to actively fight in the hopes of achieving "recovery" (whatever that means...it seems that no one can really agree on a definition) is not one of my top priorities. I'd much rather go about my life, enjoying what I have now, and having fun, than putting forth intensive effort toward something I am not sure I really want. We all have challenges, sadness, and painful situations and experiences in our lives. Some of these situations are chronic- anorexia nervosa, diabetes, death of a loved one. These things are with us all of the time and have the potential to affect us every moment of every day. They can be all consuming and prevent us from living the lives we want. My approach to dealing with my chronic illness is by making light of and adding levity to the situation, because if I didn't I would be trapped in cage of misery and helplessness. Some people may think that incorporating levity is inappropriate and I will admit that sometimes it is (such as at the funeral of a loved one who just passed away.) But in general I believe that adding some humor to otherwise depressing circumstance is often the only way to cope and continue living your life.

"Life is too important to be taken seriously!"

- Oscar Wilde

I absolutely love this quote by Oscar Wilde. (In fact it is hanging on my refrigerator in my apartment.) Life is of the utmost importance because we only get one. It is our job to make the most of it for our own sakes. Of course some things in life do need to be taken seriously- work, paying bills, school, etc. But, in truth, so many of us opt to approach things in a serious way when in reality they don't need to be taken so "seriously."

This is my opinion about my illness. Yes, I am underweight. Yes, for all intensive purposes I restrict on a daily basis. And yes, ultimately I will need to change my ways if I hope to get married, have children, and live a long and prosperous life. But for the time being I don't find a need to think about my eating disorder in a serious manner. I am not in an acute medical state. I am not unable to fulfill obligations and perform my daily tasks. And I am not distraught or bothered by the way I am living my life right now. These reasons allow me to engage in levity when thinking and talking about my eating disorder.

 But perhaps more importantly, this levity helps me to cope with the reality of it, enables me to move forward with my life, and be happy! No matter the difficult situation- illness, arguments, loss- levity can act as a fabulous tool for dealing with hardship on a daily basis. Dwelling on it and taking it so seriously often makes the difficulty harder to deal with and manage. I hope you can take my approach, and add a degree of levity to your life, especially when facing upsetting or painful circumstances. I think you'll find that once you stop looking at the issues in an intense light that you will be able to better enjoy the important thing that we call life!

Don't worry be happy,

xo

Don't Worry be Happy, Bobby McFerrin

Shh...It's a Surprise!!

Unexpected Joys

Life Can Be Shocking

Shh...It's a Surprise!!

If I have learned anything over the course of the past couple days it's that people, things, and life are unpredictable. As soon as I have finally come to terms with the way things are, expecting and accepting each day to be pretty much the same as every other, life shocks me by treating me to unexpected joys. Because of my multiple times in treatment for my eating disorder I have had the opportunity to make a countless numbers of friends of varying ages, from all over the world, and from numerous different paths of life; but, of course, there are those few friends with whom I created instantaneous, unbreakable bonds who I continue to think about every single day. Unfortunately a number of factors- time, distance, work, lapses and relapses, and life in general- prevent us from seeing and talking to each other as frequently as I would like. But no matter what, these extraordinary friends will forever have a special place in my heart, and regardless of what happens I will always consider them to be my best friends, even part of my family. Our level of closeness makes every interaction that we have invaluable and fills me with a level of excitement and happiness that is not even possible to articulate. 

When we do get to see each other I find myself wondering if the situation is truly real or if it is just a dream; it wouldn't be a completely insane notion considering I do often dream about seeing these good friends who I rarely have the chance to interact and/or be with. But over the past few days life has surprised me by turning my dreams into realities on two separate occasions. The first event involved one of my dearest friends from treatment who I literally consider to be a second mother to me. She is nearly 40 years old, a college professor, married, and has her doctorates; clearly we lead very different lives. But somehow despite our differences we have been able to create and sustain an incomparable connection. However, sadly she is often very sick, involved in her eating disorder and dropping to scarily low weights, which makes it nearly impossible for us to be in contact with each other; she is either frequently intentionally isolating or too exhausted to even attempt to focus on her relationships with other people after fulfilling the obligations that her full-time job demands. She has recently pulled one of her "disappearing acts" and I decided to text her just to check in and let her know that she was on my mind. I wasn't even expecting a response so I was certainly shocked when she texted me back and suggested that we get together because she was going to be in the area. We met up and talked for only a little over an hour while she had time to kill between meetings. But, this face-to-face interaction was one of the most joyful experiences that I have had in a long time. 

Life shocked me by providing me with this unexpected joy, the opportunity to see, hug, and connect with my second mom, and it reminded me that we don't always need to be actively pursuing happiness; often, it will find us when we are least expecting it.

Callan's guide to happiness-

"Resist chasing after happiness and give happiness a chance to sneak up on you and 'find' you in unexpected moments."

- Jamie Cat Callan, Bonjour, Happiness! Secrets to Finding Your "Joie de Vivre"

I can't imagine a more appropriate quote for this entry and my personal experience. I most definitely wasn't expecting life to surprise me with this happy and gratifying experience. I sent a text to my friend out of the blue with no expectation that she would even bother responding. She was pulling one of her "disappearing acts" that she tends to engage in when she is not doing well with her eating disorder. But happiness chose to "sneak up" and "find" me when my friend suggested that we get together. I wasn't looking for happiness, yet I managed to come across it anyways because life opted to shock me with an unexpected joy. After seeing my friend I was completely elated and I couldn't imagine that my day could possibly get any better. But, again, I was wrong. Life was not through surprising me with unexpected and unsolicited pleasure. 

So Happy, Andy Warhol (1958)

Later that evening I heard from my other best friend from treatment (I have 3, each from a different time in treatment) who I literally haven't been in contact with in months. We are basically identical in almost every way- same eating disorder, same height, same hair color, same likes and dislikes, same cigarettes, same habits (good as well as bad), same attitude about our illness, and same perspectives about fun, happiness, and life- it's almost creepy. Our similarities are so strong and significant that we even refer to each other as "twinny." Our intense bond was strong and instantaneous and we became inseparable after only a few hours of knowing each other. We could finish each other's sentences, changed in front of each other, comforted one another, were ridiculously honest with each other, and trusted and loved each other despite the short length of our relationship. During this past spring we managed to get together almost every week and we always were able to have an absurd and fabulous time no matter what we were doing. She had the ability to make me feel alive and forget about my worries and issues. But as time went by, and we both became increasingly engaged in other areas of our lives, we haven't been able to stay in touch to the same degree that we once could. 

Me and my "twinny" !

I still love her unconditionally and I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual but we just can't seem to consistently turn these feelings into actions. I constantly will send texts that go unanswered. We try to make plans and they nearly always fall through. Maintaining contact just seems impossibly difficult; so, although I consider her to be my "twin" and one of my dearest friends, I don't expect to hear from her or see her very often. Yesterday she surprised me when she reached out to me via Facebook. This initial message led to a series of messages, which ultimately resulted in lengthy text conversations, and again offered me an unexpected joy. Just communicating with her was able to provoke the happy, warm, and good feelings that I had experienced when we were able to spend time together. This second interaction solidified my belief that life can be shocking and that happiness will "find" us even when we are not actively looking for it nor expecting it.

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."

- John Barrymore

This quote is so true for me in both these situations. When I initially texted my second mother I wasn't looking for a response and I wasn't hoping or anticipating that she would provide me with any more joy than I already had. (I was feeling pretty good at the time so I wasn't necessarily on the look out for opportunities that would bring me happiness.) After seeing my friend I was feeling even better, so again, I wasn't on the hunt for additional happiness. In fact, I was thinking, "How could I possibly feel any better than I do right now?" But then my other friend, my "twin," contacted me unexpectedly, allowing further happiness to "sneak" into my life. I wasn't wanting or looking for more happiness or joy; it just came to me by surprise the "a door" that had apparently been "left open!" 

This is what my good friends do for me-

I know that these situations may sound small or insignificant but they truly meant the world to me, filling me with a level of joy that I haven't had in a long time. I have gotten so used to my predictable, structured, monotonous and somewhat mundane life that I have forgotten what it feels like to experience a pleasant surprise. The surprise doesn't need to be huge or monumental in order for it to make a big impact on you and your life in a positive way.

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."

- Robert Brault

I picked this quote because it brings up the potential significance of the supposedly "little things," such as my recent interactions with my two best friends. I agree with this notion, but a part of me feels the need to counter Brault's statement, questioning, Why do we need to wait until a later point in time to recognize and/or ascribe value to these "little things?" 

In my mind anything that brings us joy, no matter how small or simple they may seem, are worthy of being deemed significant or "big." In actuality, sometimes it's these "little things" that provide us with the highest degrees of happiness. You may not understand why these recent unexpected joys brought me the amount of excitement that they did. You might not get why I consider basic communication with friends as a "big thing." But really, none of that is important; what matters is that I recognize how valuable these surprises were to me and my happiness. Likewise, I probably don't understand the importance and/or value of all of the "little things" that bring you joy. Again, my lack of understanding is insignificant. I am suggesting that we look at Brault's quote and take it one step further. Lets not wait to recognize the worth of all the small and simple things that bring us pleasure. Instead, I am encouraging us to denote these things as "big" right now. In this moment we can choose to give these "little things" the credit that they deserve. 

"...you can find happiness anywhere and everywhere...when we are not really concentrating on capturing [it], [it] will suddenly appear in our peripheral vision..."

- Jamie Cat Callan, Bonjour, Happiness! Secrets to Finding Your "Joie de Vivre"

We don't always need to be searching for happiness. Occasionally life will shock us by throwing it in our laps. If we acknowledge that the "little things" are actually "big" simply because of the fact that they bring us gladness the more likely we are to see that happiness truly is "anywhere and everywhere" and the more frequently we will be gifted unexpected joys. I have a long list of seemingly tiny, common, or trivial things that provide with a level of delight that others would consider uncalled for or inappropriate. 
My favorite simple pleasures include fancy stationary, stickers, any and all things involving France, expensive candles, and Hello Kitty. (This is just a short sampling from my lengthy list of little delights.)  My extensive list of diverse likes allows life to surprise me and provide me with unexpected joys on a regular basis. I will walk into the drug store to buy cigarettes and then all of a sudden...surprise- they are selling Hello Kitty stickers and Pez dispensers, consequently instantly lifting my spirits when I did not expect it. I head into my school's bookstore to pick up a text book for class and I am lured by the card section, which catches me off guard because it offers my favorite brand of luxury stationary and cards. Yet again, unexpected and instant happiness is tossed my way.

I go into Urban Outfitters in order to buy some new tights (considering mine always seem to have a run in them) and the first thing I see is a display filled with expensive, beautifully fragrant candles. I went in for a basic necessity and was surprised when I found that the store sold one of my favorite "little things." I entered expecting to leave with only a few pairs of tights in hand. Instead, I left with not just tights, and not just a candle, but a little bit of joy and a smile on my face as well. Why am I blabbering on and telling you all this, talking about candles and Hello Kitty and daily errands? Well, it's because I am trying to demonstrate to you that happiness really is "anywhere and everywhere." The more open we are to ascribing value to the small things that bring us pleasure, the more likely it is that life will shock us with unexpected joys. My best friends, who I rarely see and don't get to speak to that often, reached out to me and I was absolutely thrilled. Others may consider my level of gladness to be an over reaction or silly; however, connecting with close friends is yet another "little thing" that I regard as a "big thing." Life shocked me when I heard from my friends and I was blessed with two separate experiences of unexpected joy.

"My best friends...reached out to me and I was absolutely thrilled."

Think about the different things in life that bring you happiness- magazines, decorative pillows, picture frames, lip balm, cup cakes, coffee table books, anything at all! Give these "little things," which others may not see the meaningfulness of, the value and significance they they deserve. These pleasures are "big things" for no other reason than the fact that they fill you with cheerfulness. Once you have ascribed them the value you that they deserve I think you will discover that you are surprised with unexpected joys more and more. Don't disregard how substantial these simple pleasures are and don't allow yourself to forget that life can be shocking. Unexpected joys will find you when you are least expecting it. You may not be actively pursuing happiness but that does not mean that it will not find you anyways. 

Be open to embracing life's happy surprises,
xo

Life can be shocking, bringing unexpected joys !

Unanswered Prayers

Has G-d Forgotten About Me?

The Presence of the Omnipresent

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"

Jeremiah 29:11

Recently I have found myself in an all too familiar situation. My anorexia nervosa has found a way to slip into my life yet again, leaving me physically and mentally broken. I was so exhausted this past weekend that I literally couldn't move. I missed all of my classes Monday and felt as if my life was unravelling before my very eyes. I am behind on course work and class material. My absences are quickly mounting beyond an acceptable level. My academic life, the place where I usually find it easy to excel, is becoming chaotic and overwhelming. 

"My mind reflects the chaos that is ensuing in my life."

My mind reflects the chaos that is ensuing in my life. My eating disordered thoughts are out of control. My weight is low and I have no desire for it to increase. My mind is consumed with fear and irrational thoughts. The image I see in the mirror is completed distorted, manipulated and twisted by the disorder that is ravaging my brain and my body. I am angry and frustrated with myself, with my life, and with G-d. I feel as if I have done all can do in order to create a fulfilling and happy life for myself. Yet, as soon as I get close to feeling content and in control it seems as if G-d throws another issue my way. 

"...I find myself haunted by the same eating disorder demons..."

I pray each night for fulfillment and happiness both of which sound to me like pretty reasonable and feasible requests. But when I wake up every morning and find myself haunted by the same eating disorder demons I can't help but think that my prayers have yet again gone unanswered. When we are praying for irrational or infeasible things- winning the lottery, permanent vacations, magical results- we can't help but expect unanswered prayers. But what does it mean when the simplest of requests are denied? Has G-d forgotten about me? Is my chronic illness a punishment for some unspeakable crime that I have committed but am somehow unaware of? Or, am simply praying and/or asking for the wrongs things? I really am not sure. I want to believe that G-d is this omnipresent force that is always with me, looking out for me, and protecting me and all others deserving of his gifts. But lately I have started to have doubts regarding the presence of the omnipresent. If G-d were truly and omnipresent force of good than why is it that so many of us are suffering, myself included? While I don't have an answer for any of these questions I do have a quote that is helping me find some solace during this time of fear and uncertainty-

"I pray to the G-d within me that He will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions."

- Elie Weisel, "Night"

I discovered Weisel's words today while perusing a long list of quotes that I have accumulated over time. It seemed to be calling to me and I have to believe that I came across it for a reason. Perhaps it isn't that G-d has forgotten about me, maybe I am just asking the wrong questions and looking for answers in the wrong places. Could it be that it is not G-d's duty to answer our prayers but instead lead us in the direction of questioning appropriately? Once we have learned to ask the "right questions" and correctly find responses then maybe it won't seems as if our prayers are going unanswered. Today I am using this quote almost like an affirmation-

Hoping for the ability to ask the "right questions"-

G-d will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions and pray accordingly.

Perhaps it is time that I leave the questions, which reek of self-pity and anger, behind. I need to put an end to my line of questioning which focuses purely on myself, my woes, and neglects to acknowledge the blessing that exist within my life. Farewell to the "Why would you curse me with this chronic and fatal illness?" So long to the "Why would you put me on this early simply so I could suffer and slowly kill myself?" It's time to stop asking "Why am I forced to live a miserable existence that hurts me and everyone I love?" I have to stop with this "Why me" approach because it is clearly not getting me anywhere. 

"I have to stop with this 'why me' approach..."

G-d is not answering my questions. He is not lifting me out of this metaphorical Hell. And He is not intervening in order to save me from myself. If I feel as if I am being left with a plethora of unanswered prayers then there is clearly a reason why. Weisel's quote got me thinking; I must be asking the wrong questions. Perhaps instead I should be asking G-d to give me the strength to help myself out of this unfortunate situation. Maybe I need to pray for the ability to see my own potential, a potential that could help me overcome this disease. Maybe my series of questions should sound more like "G-d thank you for the wealth of knowledge that you have given me through experience. How can I use this knowledge to strengthen my resolve and continue working to achieve health and happiness?" "I have been blessed with a supportive family; G-d can you help me learn how to utilize their love rather than shut them out?" Or, "Thank you for my G-d given intellect that allows me to think rationally even in my darkest moments. What must I do in order to utilize this intelligence when attempting to beat this disease?" "G-d, you have granted me with many blessings; how can I appreciate and maximize these gifts in order to reach my desired ends?" Instead of wondering if G-d has forgotten about me, or asking G-d what he can do for me directly, perhaps I need to ask what He can help me to do in order for me to better serve myself. It seems that I have been going about praying in the wrong way for all of this time. I have constantly focused on what I am lacking, what I need, and what I wish to be done for me. 

This quote provoked a new series of thoughts within me. Perhaps prayer isn't about requesting new tools or qualities in order to achieve our desired ends. Maybe prayer is meant to be a communication with G-d in which we recognize the qualities that already exist within us and our lives and seek guidance toward utilizing them in a more productive way. Weisel's statement really got me thinking! Well of course my prayers have gone unanswered; I have been asking the wrong questions all along. This line of thought connects to another quote that I have kept in the back of my mind for quite some time now-

"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." 

- Satchel Paige

Of course the obvious interpretation of this quote would be to not pray when things are bad if you fail to pray when things are good. Yet, I have always seen this quote in a different and less literal light. My personal interpretation extends beyond the scope of the phrase itself. I take Paige's words as saying don't pray for your needs if you are not willing to offer thanks as well. When I say my evening prayers I always try to include something that I am thankful for (unless I am in a truly desperate state and any feelings of gratitude have completely escaped me.) However it seems that my most recent questions directed at G-d, including have you forgotten about me, have neglected to include this component of thanks. With this quote and my personal interpretation of it in mind, I am almost ashamed of my selfish and self-pitying prayers and questions. 

G-d provides us with a tool kit in order to deal with life-

Who am I to inquire about G-d's mysterious ways of working? Who am I to question the presence of the omnipresent? How could I place blame on G-d for my own misfortunes when He has been generous enough to provide me with a series of blessings- intellect, family, wealth, friends, love- that can act as tools to help me solve my issues? If G-d had truly forgotten about me then He wouldn't have bestowed the useful gifts upon me. G-d isn't there to solve all of our problems or make them disappear. He is there as a comfort when we are feeling low. He is there to guide is in the right direction. He is present so that we are able to figure out for ourselves how to overcome the challenges that we face in our lives. Metaphorically G-d is like a teacher. Our teachers feed us new information and provide us with tools in order to solve the problems that we are given. While a good teacher helps us learn how to decipher a problem on our own they will not just give us the answer when we get stuck. It appears to me that G-d works in a similar way. He teaches us through experience and gives us the required equipment- knowledge, support systems, inner-strength, in order to overcome obstacles; however, He is not there to simply do the work for us and make and the issues disappear.

"...maintain my faith..."

I may be faced with a daunting task- fighting my anorexia- but G-d has already done his part by blessing me with the tools I need in order to beat this challenge. Now it is my turn to ask the right questions, pray appropriately, utilize the gifts in my life, maintain my faith, and put forth the required effort in order to solve this issue for myself.

Potential provided by G'd's many blessings-

Now that I have written this post it all seems so obvious and I feel a bit silly for whining about unanswered prayers and fearing that G-d has forgotten me. But perhaps I needed to feel that way and discover for myself (via this entry) that the presence of the omnipresent is unwavering. I may not always understand His decisions or mysterious workings but that is not an excuse for me doubt His existence, His capabilities, or His love. 
Moving forward I will pray with a different level of awareness and a new appreciation. I will do my best to answer the "right questions" and if they escape me I will simply pray to G-d to lead me in the direction of the correction questions to pose. Maybe some of these questions will remain unanswered. Perhaps the answers have been offered and I just do not recognize them because they are not being given in the manner in which I expected. Or it may be that I need to patient because the answers I am seeking will be received in time. 

Regardless, I must have faith that G-d is omnipresent, always keeping my best interest in mind. I may not feel it and I may not always believe it but I cannot ever allow myself to forget it. If I don't have confidence in a higher power than what do I have? Could it be that the comfort in believing in a higher power is a tool in itself? I can turn to the heavens and pray, feeling that I am never truly alone, I always have a confidante, and that the presence of a sympathetic ear is always with me. I may be confronting a hurdle but I know that I am not alone. The omnipresent G-d is there to help me even if I don't always understand his workings.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Do not lose faith,
xo

I hope I haven't made you over think it ! Let us have faith in the presence of the omnipresent-

Livin' On a Prayer, Bon Jovi

L'Chi Lach (And You Shall be a Blessing) and Mi Sheberach (Jewish Prayer for Healing), both by Debbie Friedman

I remember these songs bringing me comfort and filling me with peace as child while sitting in synagogue. Listening to them brings me back to simpler times and continue to send chills up my spine. Regardless of your faith I hope that you can appreciate them and that they provide you with the same comfort and solace that they have always given me.

Eating Disorder Awareness

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder please don't go through it alone. Be aware of the signs, symptoms, and often unspoken cries for help. I've included a series of links to informative sites about the illnesses, risks, warning signs, approaching a loved one, treatment, etc. Please know that you are never alone! Contact me directly if you have any questions or are in need of support and are not sure where to turn- rbesvi@sas.upenn.edu

  

National Eating Disorders Association

Something Fishy: Website on Eating Disorders

ANAD: National Association of Anorexia and Associated Illnesses

Weighing the Facts- A fellow Blogger ;)

No Complaints Here

Taking Life As It Comes

Moving Forward Day-by-Day

Recently my life has been shockingly uneventful. It seems that I am always being confronted with some sort of challenge, crisis, or bad news. Every once in a while I'll be surprised with something exciting, fun, or fabulous. But, at the moment, neither seem to be the case and I must admit that there are no complaints here about it. I am appreciating the ability to effortlessly move forward day-by-day without being interrupted by anything out of the ordinary. While at times my life seems monotonous or a tad boring I am learning that I can appreciate my life for what it is at this moment. I'd prefer a boring and typical day to a chaotic and painful day at all times. It's hard for me to accept that my life can truly be ok. I feel as if I usually have the need to resolve a problem, cope with a tragedy, or overcome an obstacle. I have always tried to take life as it comes; but usually life seems to come to me in atypical or unfortunate ways. As my life starts to settle down and bear a sense of normalcy, I am forced to learn how to take life as it comes when my life is, for all intensive purposes, ordinary and simple. I have no complaints about learning how to accept and embrace an uneventful life. I am thankful to go to my classes everyday, see friends walking on campus, finish school work, and return home to snuggle with Milly and go to sleep. When I rest my head on my pillow I am comforted by the fact that I had a mellow and standard day; I look forward to having a similar day when I awake in the morning. The calmness and commonness of my life is a welcome relief. I am pleased to continue moving forward day-by-day without cause for concern or startling interruptions. 

"Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated."

- Confucius

Is Confucius's statement really true? Is my life actually simple and its just me and mind that make it seem complex? Are my thoughts and actions making my life more difficult than it needs to be? Recently my life has felt rather simple or at least less complicated than it has been previously. This statement and the current normalcy of my life makes me wonder if it is truly my life that has changed or if it is me. Perhaps unfortunate things continue to go on around me but I am simply processing and responding to them in a new way? Maybe I am seeing challenges or bad news in a different light? The answer could be that I am no longer taking on others issues and mistaking them for my own; this is an issue that I tend to deal with a lot. 

I hear that a friend is going back into treatment and I turn it into a personal crisis. When I have had friends pass away I somehow manage to make myself feel guilty for still being alive or I begin to question my own life and purpose. When I realize that my weight or behavior is bothering (or triggering) to a friend I allow myself to feel shameful and at fault. But in my immediate past I haven't been absorbing the issues and troubles of others. Yes, I have plenty of friends who are struggling but I have been able to separate their problems from my own. When it comes to my own struggles and eating disorder lapses I haven't been going into panic mode as I usually do. I have been able to put the issues into perspective and realize that just because I am struggling a bit does not mean that I am going to end up very sick and back in treatment again.

Moving Forward Day-by-Day

I don't have a definitive answer regarding what has changed; it could be my or it could very well be my life. But I am not going to spend any more time questioning it. Over thinking it, which would be my typical behavior, would just be playing out the above quote. I don't need to complicate the matter by analyzing it and attempting to figure out the cause. It's a very simple fact that my life seems to going smoothly and I don't intend to turn this pleasure into a complex issue that will turn my brain into an obstacle course of thoughts. I am just going to appreciate that I have no complaints or hardships at the moment and continue to move forward day-by-day, taking life as it comes. 
Today was a nice, easy, and productive day. I went to my classes, met with a classmate for a group project, hung out with my friend who is staying with me, and took a relaxing bath. I have fun plans for tonight- dinner than drinks with my friend- and I intend to enjoy each moment, embracing the simplicity and pleasantness of the experience. I am not going to worry about what might happen tomorrow. I am not going to think about issues or stressors that are not currently relevant. I will not let my brain fly off into another dimension- dwelling over the past, fearing the future, counting calories, worrying about my weight, thinking about tasks that need to be done. I am simply going to take in the now because that's all any of us can really do. We can't change the past and we can't predict the future. We shouldn't allow our minds to take control and detract from our abilities to take life as it comes and enjoy what's going on in the present. Lets take Confucius's words to heart and think about life as a simple matter. Perhaps if we allow ourselves to move forward day-by-day and take life as it comes, rather than attempting to juggle and think about a million different things at once, then we can avoid making life more complicated than it is.

Keep it simple and enjoy,
xo

Perfection Does Not Exist

We All Have Our Shit

Perception is Not Reality

Perfection is as real as unicorns-

From the outside my life seems ideal, nearly perfect. I was lucky enough to be born into a wealthy family that could provide me with any material possession I could possibly want. I am earning straight A's at an Ivy League University. I have a large pool of friends and a decent social life on campus. When I walk out my door I look put together; there is not a hair out of place metaphorically speaking. I live in my own cozy apartment that is decorated flawlessly, reflecting my style and personality. I have an adorable kitten who snuggles up with me. I have long brown hair. I am thin, enabling me to wear almost anything out there. I am for all intensive purposes attractive. It appears that I have it all together and that my movements are effortless. Everything seems to be perfect; but, in fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. 

Would you guess that I often feel this way?

I am chronically ill with anorexia nervosa. My mind is overwhelmed, attempting to balance school, eating disordered thoughts, depression, and my OCD/perfectionist tendencies. Everything I do- each accomplishment, completing assignments, eating, socializing, cleaning my apartment, waking up each day- requires a painful degree of mental and physical effort. It is nearly impossible for me to be present and have fun when my mind is always preoccupied. 

Bones as cold as ice-

Just walking across campus leaves me out of breath and exhausted. When it's cold, like today, my bones feel as if they are made of ice. I am constantly sick because my immune system is weak from malnutrition. My hair line is receding and my arms are covered with abnormally thick hair, called lanugo, that my body has created as a means of additional warmth. It is difficult to fulfill obligations while also maintaining my health and my sanity. I live my life on a prayer, hoping that I can stay well enough to graduate from college (finally) and begin to create a life for myself post graduation. But I am filled with doubt and uncertainty. I have been maintaining my minimally acceptable weight for quite awhile now, but I know that my situation is precarious. One bad week of symptom use and/or anxiety and I am screwed- below an acceptable weight, unable to function, back in treatment. What is my point in sharing all of this information with you? I am not looking for sympathy nor do I want applause; I'm hoping to help you recognize that perception is not reality and that perfection does not exist because we all have our shit lying beneath the face that we put on for the world. Growing up I remember seeing other girls and imagining how wonderful their lives must be; they seemed perfect and I would have done anything to be one of them.

"Stop trying to 'fix' yourself; you're not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond belief."

- Steve Maraboli

I probably would have benefited from hearing Maraboli's advice back in the day. (But knowing myself I probably wouldn't have believed him or I would have adamantly refuted his statement.) Wishing that I could be these other people was a waste of time and energy for two main reasons. The first comes directly from the above quote. I did not need to 'fix' or change myself in order to create a life and persona that pleased me. It sounds very cliche but instead of wishing I should have been accepting; accepting my flaws and figuring out how to build a life for myself despite my imperfections. The second reason is knowledge that I needed to gain on my own. With time and experience I began to realize that this supposed perfection was a falsified image that I had created based on limited information. These people that I emulated were not perfect. They had shit too; I just wasn't privy to it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that one day I would be someone who was seemingly worth emulating. 

Is this worth envying?

I am flawed, my life is imperfect, my past and present are painful, my future is unknown. Who would ever want to be me or be like me? I was shocked to discover recently that others saw me in the same way that I saw those seemingly perfect girls during my youth. They looked at my accomplishments, my appearance, and my behaviors and came to an inaccurate deduction; they assumed that my life was more desirable than theirs. People envied and applauded my ability to be in school. They acclaimed me, saying that I was "bad ass." And people wished that they were as thin as I am. My reactions to these words were numerous and varying. At first I was angry; how could people not see how much pain I am in? How dare they disregard the degree of effort I have to put forth by assuming that my life is perfect or that I live with ease? After my anger and frustration came sadness and disappointment. I felt like a fraud or a fake. I go about my life at an anorexic weight and write this inspirational blog, earn good grades, go out with friends, and live a somewhat typical life. 

Stand up to the Pro-Ana movement 

I am concerned that I have been unintentionally sending the message that you can be anorexic and function, that anorexia can be a lifestyle choice. I feel like a fucking walking, breathing, living pro-ana campaign and it makes me sick to my stomach. The pro-ana movement counters my values, morals, and beliefs. I would never wish this disease upon anyone, so it is appauling to me that there are people out there who wish it upon themselves and/or help others attain it. How can I feel good about myself when I am unintentionally promoting and supporting a movement that defies everything I stand for? How can I be proud and satisfied with myself when  I am leading people to believe that you can live a fulfilling, productive, and happy life while also holding onto your eating disorder? The truth is that you can't. 

"I would never wish this disease upon anyone..."

I may appear to have it all- confidence, fulfillment, functionality, success, happiness, my anorexia- but in reality I am living a half life. Other's perception of me and my life is not reality. It may look as if I have everything figured out, that I am put together, and that my life is whole; but, in reality my anorexia is robbing me of my health and happiness every single day. You may not see this from the outside but I can feel it on the inside. I still have my shit and so do you; we all do. It may not be obvious to others. It may not materialize physically- weight loss, self-harm, obesity, extreme plastic surgery- but it is still there. Just because your problems aren't visibly apparent does not make them any less real or significant than those that can be seen by the naked eye. Ultimately we all struggle because perfection does not exist. 

"Perfect? How can you define a word without concrete meaning?"

- Ellen Hopkins

Perhaps we say that perfection does not exist because there is always room for improvement, always the possibility of doing something better. Or maybe it is nonexistent because we all have different ideas of what perfect means.

What is perfection?

As Hopkins explains, one is unable to define a word that lacks concrete meaning. There is not unanimous agreement regarding the definition of perfect and its meaning changes depending on the situation. If you describe someone as your perfect mate you are asserting that the individual fulfills your wants, meets your expectations, and makes you feel complete. It doesn't mean they are flawless; it simply means that they are compatible with you. However, if you are referring to a perfect score on an exam the meaning changes. In this case perfect refers to an absence of errors. We can't claim that an individual has a perfect life when we can't agree what perfect means. What I deem perfect may be completely different then what you consider to be perfect. Perfection does not exist simply because its meaning is constantly changing depending on the person, timing, context, and situation. How can we aim to achieve something that lacks a definitive meaning? It seems to me that it is more logical to work toward improvement rather than striving for perfection.

I always need to add a bit of humor !

"Don't worry about getting perfect, just keep getting better."

- Frank Peretti

Yes, there is always room for improvement; but, can we do as Peretti suggests and work toward getting better without having perfection as our ultimate goal? What's the point of practicing and working if we will never achieve perfection? It comes down to realizing that there are other reasons behind wanting to improve yourself, your abilities, and your life. You may never be perfect, but you can always work toward being kinder, more committed, less argumentative, happier, etc. You might not perfect a specific task but you can continue to work toward improving your skills and abilities. I will never be perfectly fluent in French but that doesn't stop me from studying everyday and absorbing as much of the language as I possibly can. 

I know my life will never be perfect or fit my version perfect. (As I said before we all ascribe different meanings to the word "perfection.") But am I supposed to give up on bettering my situation and life simply because it will never be perfect? Since I can't achieve perfection should I resign myself to live in squalor? Absolutely not. My life may not be perfect but that is no excuse to simply give up. I can put forth my best efforts to make my life as fabulous as it can possibly be. I will continue to do things that bring me comfort- cuddling with Milly, journaling, snuggling in my bed. I will always strive to succeed and commit myself to do my absolute best in everything that I do- school, job, relationships, apartment upkeep. I am going to actively engage in fun- going out with friends, baking, shopping, travelling. And, I will continue to pursue happiness with fervent effort.

"I will continue to pursue happiness with fervent effort."

My life will never be perfect; but, that fact is not going to stop me from working to create a life worth living. We have only one chance to experience life and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity, filling my life with friends, family, success, peace, laughter, pleasure, and joy! It is time that we start accepting the fact that problems exist and the we all have our shit. We need to stop walking around, looking at other people, and envying the lives that they seem to have; our perception of them and their life is not reality. At the end of the day their lives probably aren't worth envying because no one lives a problem free life. Instead we should recognize that we have issues to deal with and be active in working toward resolving them. Dwelling on our problems, feeling sorry for ourselves, and wishing that they would miraculously disappear is a waste of valuable time and mental faculties. Life is made up of a multitude of elements- good and bad- including the existence of problems. We can't pick and choose what aspects of life we want and which ones we don't. We either engage in all of it or have none of it.

We All Have Our Shit

"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."

- Theodore Rubin

When we see people from afar and do not have access to inside information regarding their lives it is easy to imagine that everything about them and their life is perfect; we fail to comprehend that perception is not reality and we dream up the fact that some lives aren't burdened by problems. In doing so we set ourselves up to be disappointed with ourselves and our own lives. As Rubin says, the trouble is that we believe that life is possible sans problems; this false notion results in us thinking that having problems is an issue. Having shit feels wrong or as if it taints us in some way and consequently we judge ourselves because we are not perfect. 

It's time to realize that perception is not reality-

We compare ourselves to those who appear flawless, which results in further disappointment and self-loathing. All of this needs to stop right now. We can't afford to continue thinking that perfection exists. We are endangering our emotional and mental well-being by comparing ourselves to an impossible ideal. If we can understand that perception is not reality and believe that we all have our shit than we can finally put an end to the assumptions, comparisons, and judgments that bring us down. Once we recognize that perfection does not exist we can begin to make realistic expectations for ourselves and our lives. We can create fulfilling lives  by working toward and meeting these personal expectations. No, I am not perfect. My life is not perfect but I don't expect it to be because no one's life is. We will never achieve perfection but that does not mean we are unable to achieve happiness.

Appreciate every moment of your imperfect life,
xo

Learn more about anorexia nervosa- symptoms, warning signs, and risks- and help me and millions of others by spreading awareness about this life threatening illness. Thank you for reading my blog. You and your responses are constant sources of support and happiness for me.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper

Lets live life FUN !