C'est la Vie!

You Get What You Get and You Don't Get Upset

Making the Most of Every Given Moment

Life is made up of a series of moments- perfect and imperfect. There are no guarantees in life and we can't expect that everything will work out as we have planned or imagined. I am currently on vacation with my Mom in the Cayman Islands. My family has been coming here for over a decade and in our minds it is truly the most fabulous place on earth. My Mother and I arrived arrived yesterday, expecting 5 days of warm weather and endless sunshine. However, our experience has not lived up to our expectations. Twenty minutes after our plane landed it began to torrential rain and it has not really let up ever since. It seems that our dream of laying out in the sun and soaking up the rays for the entirety of our vacation is simply not going to happen. But, what can we do about it? The weather is beyond our control. So are we going to mope around and let the less than ideal weather dictate our mood and ruin our vacation experience? Absolutely not. We are truly living by the phrase, you get what you get and you don't get upset. 
The trip may not being going as we had planned, and the weather may not be perfect, but that doesn't mean that we are going to throw up our hands and call the whole vacation as wash. Instead, we are choosing to make the most of the given moments by altering our expectations and finding different ways to enjoy ourselves. C'est la vie or that's life; it is not always perfect nor is it certain to work out in the way that you had hoped. The best that we can do is make the conscious choice to make the most of it no matter the circumstances. As the rain continues to fall outside my Mom and I sit in the lobby, sipping on cocktails, playing cards, and people watching. When the sun decides to make a brief appearance we rush outside, taking in its lovely warmth for as long as we can. And when the clouds choose to reappear and the rain begins to approach again, we scurry back inside to the comfort of the lobby, picking up our card game where we left off, and appreciating the time that we have with one another. We are together in one of our favorite places in the world. There is no way that we are going to let a bit of rain prevent us from having a wonderful time. We are taking what we are getting and we are not getting upset about it, because in truth, there are far worse places we could be right now. Not to mention, there a much less desirable people with whom we could be stuck. We are on vacation at our most favorite destination. We are not being subjected to freezing temperatures that Philadelphia is currently experiencing. Neither of us need to be focusing on work and consequently are not feeling the stress that work and school bring along. And we are just happy to be together without the distractions of daily life- family tension, academic or work related responsibilities, social obligations, the annoyance of errands, and the pressure of our typical fast paced routines. We are lucky enough to be far away from all of the aforementioned distractions and are thrilled to be able to appreciate this time that we have as Mother and daughter. It is so rare that the two of us are able to escape on our own. What a shame it would be to let some poor weather taint this experience. So we are choosing to make the most of every given moment while we are here, regardless of whether or not it is what we had anticipated. 

I picked up a book recently called, Bonjour, Happiness!: Finding Your Joie de Vivre by Jamie Cat Callan. I have only made it through the first chapter but it has already taught me a lot about living life and maximizing on its endless supply of joy. It describes the French concept of Joie de Vivre or joy of life as-

"[The] ability to enjoy what you have without worrying too much about what you don't."

This idea exemplifies the notion I proposed at the start of this entry, you get what you get and you don't get upset. Let us look at we have, and I mean genuinely look, and recognize the good that exists within it. Instead of imagining how life could be better by playing the "What if..." and "If only..." games, lets appreciate the greatness that lies in our own realities. Why continue to torture ourselves by believing that what we have in this given moment isn't enough? What good will it do us to fantasize about ways in which our lives could be improved if only we had more, if only things were different, if only it weren't raining? In actuality we have no idea whether or not this alternative reality that we have created would indeed be any better than the lives we are living. It seems like a waste of time to concern ourselves with what we are lacking. When we think too much about what could be we end up missing the beauty and joy of what is; we are so absorbed in thought that we lose the given moment. This notion of Joie de Vivre is further elaborated-

"It is about accepting what's in your life in the moment and feeling contented inside."

"...sipping on San Pellegrino..."

Using these two quotes in conjunction with each other can enable us to make the most of every given moment. Not only can we pay attention and appreciate what we do have, but we can feel genuinely happy with the now and enjoy it. What do I have right now? I have my wonderful Mother sitting by my side. I am sitting in a cozy chair in the comfortable lobby of our lovely hotel. I am casually sipping on San Pellegrino with lime and Pinot Grigrio. I have the time to write an entry for my blog without being burdened by the outside pressures of class, assignments, and college life in general. I have 3 and 1/2 more spectaculars days to spend on this beautiful island and it's over a week before I am forced to return to the pressure cooker that is the University of Pennsylvania. I may not have it all, but when I take the time to look at what I do have, I am able to recognize that I have an awful lot and I am truly "contented inside." As I find myself making the most of every given moment and being thankful, I start to believe that perhaps, I am really one step closer to achieving this French idea of Joie de Vivre, the joy of life. If we are able to embody this joy than I believe that we will find ourselves saying c'est la vie when encountering imperfect situations and facing unexpected obstacles. 

When we use this phrase, c'est la vie, we will be able to utter it with an air of light hearted-ness and casualness. C'est la vie, shit happens, and so it goes...that's life and we either accept it for what is and capitalize on it or we allow life and all its imperfections to bring us down. It's up to us; we have the choice. Shall we let the unfortunate or unexpected negatively impact the entirety of our experience? Will I allow a little rain disable me from enjoying my Mother-Daughter vacation? Or will we say, with an air of nonchalance, "c'est la vie," and opt to make the most of the given moment?
 

"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have."

- Eckhart Tolle

Tolle's words take the ideas that I borrowed from Callan's book to a new level. While he discusses "the present moment" with a slightly different spin, I think that both Tolle and Callan are making the same basic point. Life is a continual series of moments. The moment in which I started writing that entry has passed, never to be returned to again, and now I am on to a new a moment. When I complete this entry I will be living in yet another moment. They just keep coming and going for eternity. If I don't make the most of this moment right now then I will have lost the opportunity. It may not seem like a big deal. What's the issue with not fully living a singular moment if there are billions more to come? And I must admit that there is some value in that question. Who cares if we lose a moment or fail to recognize its worth if its fleeting and/or soon to be replaced with a new moment anyways? 

Well, of course, I have an answer, and this is when I get to combine all the ideas that were proposed in the series of quotes provided throughout this entry. The "present moment," although intangible, is all we have. It is a brief segment of our lives. For all intensive purposes, this given moment is probably imperfect. (It is a rare occasion that we have a moment when all is ideal and everything has gone according to plan.) Are we supposed to sit around miserably, not acknowledging the joy that can be found in every given moment, while we wait for one of these allusive perfect moments to come our way? To me, that sounds like a pretty terrible way to live. Lets recognize that this moment right now is our life, although a minute period of it, and it is an opportunity for us to appreciate the beauty of what we have. Each given moment is a chance for us to embody the statement, you get what you get and you don't get upset. In reality happiness and joie de vivre doesn't come from not getting upset, but from rejoicing about the positive elements that fill each moment, even the seemingly imperfect ones.

If life is a series of moments, and if moments are fleeting, then why not try to make the most of every given moment and subsequently enhance your life as a whole? Don't let a single moment slip away before you have used it to its fullest potential, making it as fabulous as you possibly can. 

I am looking out the lobby window and it appears as if the sun is starting to peak through the clouds. I am debating whether or not I should risk it, and relocate poolside, or instead just stay exactly where I am, comfortably lounging with my Mother by my side. The choice is insignificant. I will be contented either way. This trip has not gone according to plan so far but what can I do? It is out of my control; c'est la vie! Life is unexpected, unpredictable, and imperfect. It is a never ending sequence of moments- good and bad, exciting and dull, happy and sad, fun and typical, perfect and imperfect- and we have the ability to capitalize on all of them, making the most of every given moment by realizing what we have and enjoying our many blessings. We rarely will experience a moment that we find worthy of deeming perfect. But this lack of perfect moments is not an excuse to give up on happiness, joy, and life! Lets not focus on the flaws or what seems to be missing or in need of improvement. Instead let us acknowledge the glory of what exists in this given moment and allow ourselves to feel fulfilled, at peace, and content. 

When we come across a moment that is less than ideal we can make the decision to put a smile on, say "c'est la vie," and make the most of it with what we have. When we stop thinking so much about what's missing, and in turn begin seeing all that is there, then we have the potential to seize and enjoy each moment, find the positives among a sea of flaws, and ultimately achieve a level of happiness that allows us to confidently say "c'est la vie," and truly believe it.

Appreciate the joy of all that surrounds you and you shall find your joie de vivre,
xo

You Can't Always Get What You Want, The Rolling Stones

Hold It Together

Don't Make Yourself Nuts!

Maintaining Sanity in this Crazy World

Don't Make Yourself Nuts!

Well, as usual, life seems to have no shortage of dramatic events to toss my way. This past week has been absolutely insane. But on this occasion I don't feel as if life is necessarily to blame for the chaos that has recently ensued. I am starting to strongly believe that perhaps I am responsible for making myself nuts. My latest emotional and mental break was a result of a very normal and everyday task. I was assigned to write a 5 page paper for one of my classes. I wasn't overly concerned about it considering I am a fairly competent writer, never really encountering issues when it comes to formulating and supporting arguments through words, and I had given myself an adequate amount of time in order to complete it by the assigned date. A part of me was actually excited to write the paper because the assignment had a degree of flexibility, which allowed me to choose a topic of personal interest. I was confident that I would be able to write a well executed paper without experiencing any significant level of stress during the process. However, my feelings of confidence were apparently misguided or perhaps simply premature. 

Everything "started becoming blurry."

I am not sure exactly what happened, but the night before the paper was due I found myself struggling to piece it together. Ideas that once seemed clear and distinct started becoming blurry. Arguments I had crafted to support my case no longer made sense. I felt as if the concepts from class that I had chosen to utilize had not been thoroughly explained within the context of my paper. I just began writing and writing and before I knew it this easy 5 page paper turned into a redundant, 14 page, disorganized mess. My OCD tendencies were in full swing, causing me to over complicate the assignment and leaving me feeling insecure and as if I could not eliminate a single element, for fear of inadequately support my argument. I have been a student for a very long time (over 18 years) and I have never pulled an all nighter. Well, that fact changed this past week. My anxiety and need to create a perfect paper kept me up all night. The hours seemed to fly by. I remember looking at the clock at 1:30 am and before I knew it the sun was coming up. 

"The hours seemed to fly by."

I stayed up all night writing this paper and when morning came it still was not done. By this point not only was my paper completely disjointed but so was I. My OCD and perfectionist tendencies have never hindered my ability to perform academically nor have they detracted from the quality of my work. If anything the pairing has always seemed to enhance my abilities as a student. But all of a sudden I was finding myself unable to hold it together. I was literally unravelling due to my anxiety, perfectionism, and sleep deprivation. The combination was making me nuts and I was the only source responsible for this craziness. 

The crazy aftermath of my all nighter-

"Inside every sane person there's a madman struggling to get out...That's what I've always thought. No one goes mad quicker than a totally sane person."

- Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

I couldn't imagine a better quote to describe my personal bout with madness. Just like the quote says, one minute I was totally fine and everything seemed to be in order and then all of sudden I was in the midst of absolute chaos and insanity. I was feeling good, confident, and "totally sane" and then before I knew it I seemed to have gone absolutely "mad!" The event was truly terrifying because it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Yes, I've reached my breaking point numerous times in the past, but there were always cues or it seemed to happen over the course of a period of time. It has never occurred as abruptly as it did this past week.

As always, a little humor never hurts-

Additionally, I am used to my OCD having an impact on my actions- keeping my apartment immaculately ordered, feeling the need to fold and refold blankets until they look just right, dressing myself in a very specific way, maintaining the same ritualistic routines daily, and organizing my notes so that they are clear and neat- but I have never regarded it as a serious issue, nor did I consider it to be a form of madness, because the behaviors didn't significantly disrupt my life. In actuality, I kind of liked my level of OCD because I appreciated some of the ways it influenced me and my life. I love walking into a clean, organized, and calm apartment every day. I take pride in my appearance and enjoy putting myself together each morning. And my clear and detailed note taking has served me well when it comes to reviewing for tests and writing papers.

"...prevent a similar unraveling..."

It wasn't until this OCD induced all nighter that I began to realize that perhaps this is an issue that needs to be dealt with, in order to prevent a similar unraveling from occurring again in the future. The world is crazy enough as it is; I do not need to be adding any more insanity to my world and my life by making myself nuts. But this thought forces me to face two key questions: How do I manage to eliminate this self-induced insanity and hold it together? And once I have been able to do that, how can I maintain sanity while living in this crazy world?

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."

- Marcus Aurelius

"I can't think of anyone...who strives to be considered insane."

There is not one bit of me that can argue against this statement. I can't think of anyone I know who strives to be considered insane. Perhaps one would suggest that I am insane because of my OCD tendencies, anorexia nervosa, perfectionist qualities, and atypical thoughts. But, I don't really care what others think of me as long as I consider myself to be of sound mind. The morning after my all nighter I could not honestly think that I was perfectly sane. I looked around at the array of papers littering my apartment floor. I felt the dampness of stressed induced perspiration in my clothes. I saw the sunken eyes that looked back at me in the mirror. I watched my bony, dry fingers flutter across my computer's key board. I knew that these were not signs of sanity. 

"I knew that these were not signs of sanity."

Maybe the ability to recognize that we are making ourselves nuts is the first step to learning how to hold it together. If we can acknowledge that our behaviors are not indicative of mental wellness then we at least have something to work with. We can address the thoughts and actions that seem problematic, and with time and help, learn how to correct them. If we know that we don't want to be "in the ranks of the insane," and are able to identify behaviors that may land us there, then we have the power to change our ways in order to hold it together. I can recognize that my perfectionist tendencies have escalated to an unhealthy level. It is one thing to feel obliged to keep my apartment tidy. It is a different thing entirely when these tendencies result in my inability to perform a simple task. I have come to terms with the fact that this is an issue that I need to take care of in order to prevent future episodes and quite frankly to stop making myself nuts! 

I don't need to give it up all together, but I must pull in the reigns and regain some control over it so that it no longer has the capability of negatively impacting me and my life. Once we have taken care of the internal things that are driving us crazy and have found some peace within ourselves, it is time to move on to the second question that I posed: How do we maintain sanity in this crazy world? It is no doubt that we live in a world full of insanity, chaos, and elements that we cannot control. We need to figure out how to prevent the world's craziness from permeating our skin and entering our core. 

"Nothing external to you has any power over you."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote seems fitting as we strive to maintain sanity when being constantly surrounded by insanity. We can alter Emerson's words slightly and choose to use them as an affirmation-

Nothing external to me has power over me.

Or in other words-

Nothing outside myself has the ability to negatively impact me.

The world's craziness is not a monster in the closet-

If we can repeat these words to ourselves every daym no matter what we are facing, then perhaps we have found an ingredient for the recipe of maintaining sanity. However, I do believe that other steps are necessary in order to pursue this difficult task. An affirmation alone cannot protect us from the craziness that we face every single day. We need to take other measures in order to prevent this insanity from seeping into our beings and potentially jeopardizing our sanity. So now that I have thoroughly scared you, portraying the world's craziness as a monster in the closet that is waiting to get you, it is time for me to reveal the secret to holding it together when everything else- work, school, relationships, family, finances, and the world- seem to be going absolutely crazy and are threatening to push us to the brink of sanity. Honestly it's really quite simple, not much of a secret at all in actuality. 

The key to maintaining sanity in this crazy world in which we live is to keep a little list of things that you know help bring you back down to earth when you and your mind seem to be flying away. Similarly to concepts that I have discussed in previous entries, these things don't need to elaborate or grandiose or intensive. They don't have to require a great deal of time or money or effort. And they don't even need to make sense to anyone else. The only requirement is that they are able to instill you with a peace of mind and enable you to reclaim and/or maintain your sanity when you are at risk of losing it. I have an assortment of little nothings that I like to do when I need a moment to gather myself together and block out the external craziness. I enjoy a glass of white wine at the end of the day. I'll go outside into the icy cold and smoke a cigarette. I like to walk into bookstores and see what catches my eye- stationary, journals, cards, books involving France. And for me, nothing beats going into the drugstore and seeing what silly little nick-knacks manage to find their way into my shopping basket. 

"I enjoy a glass of white wine..."

These tiny things, most of which cost nothing or very little, fill me with a sense of calm and peace. These feelings growing until they fill every fiber of my being. And then this intense inner-peace acts as a shield, prohibiting any outside insanity from entering my mind, body, or soul. Create a list of things that provide you with this protective sense of inner-peace. Keep it handy, whether it's written down or simply ingrained in your mind, so that if the world's craziness ever catches you off guard then you are already prepared with a means to combat it. I feel as if it's almost easier to fight off the insanity that comes from external sources, rather than the craziness that can come from within. I find myself being able to hold it together even when everything going on around me is telling me that I should be falling apart. Maybe it's just me but I feel as if I am well equipped to maintain sanity when provoked by this crazy world. It isn't the world that has the propensity to make me nuts. More often then not, I am the one accountable for making me nuts. 

Which direction shall we choose to go?

I am not sure if I am alone in this feeling or not. I definitely have friends who feel similarly, describing the feeling of being stuck in one's own head and expressing frustration over their inability to stop negative thought patterns or the fact that they can't seem to be present. I, like them, know these feelings all too well. It is starting to get me thinking about these categories of sane and insane. Is it possible that the answer is not so black and white? Could there be a continuum of sanity and that we don't need to be at one pole or the other but perhaps we fall somewhere in between? And maybe we are not the same level of sane at all times? Perhaps it is constantly fluctuating? It could be that one minute we are perfectly level headed and then the next minute we have shifted a bit and moved slightly close to the realm of insanity. Now I am really starting to feel insane. I started this post with the intent to answer two main questions and I find myself closing with yet more questions that I don't have the ability nor the time to even attempt to answer. 

However, I suppose the best way to maintain sanity, regardless of the locus of craziness that is seemingly threatening it, is by simply accepting where you are and how you are feeling at this point in your life. Lets tame the qualities within us that have the propensity to drive us nuts. Lets keep in mind the little things that help quell our feelings of chaos or craziness. And let us stop judging ourselves for feeling as if we are walking a thin line between crazy and sane. 

Girl, Interrupted (1999)

I think that we all have points in our lives when it seems as if we are on the border. Life happens and sometimes things that we don't expect to push us over the edge manage to do so. Instead of wasting time questioning our sanity, let us remember that we all have our moments, and lets consider the fact that perhaps a little bit of insanity resides within all of us.

"Was everybody seeing this stuff and acting as though they weren't? Was insanity just a matter of dropping the act?"

- Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

I wish you luck as you head out into this crazy world,

xo

Sometimes our minds feel like this and it's hard to hold it together-

Keep it Together, Guster

It's difficult to always maintain sanity in this crazy world-

Crazy, Britney Spears

And of course I'll leave with you some cuteness and laughter for the road-

P.S: If you were at all curious- I was able to finally finish my paper and I received an extension from my teacher so I was not at all penalized. She was completely understanding of my personal health situation and offered me support when I needed it most. I may have had a brush with insanity but I'm pleased to report that I have come out alive and somehow everything has worked itself out. I have faith that all will work in the end for you as well!

Get Real!

Setting Reasonable Expectations

Take Some Pressure Off Yourself

I have the unfortunate habit of setting unrealistic expectations for myself. This practice not only results in constant disappoint but also yields undo self-imposed feelings of stress, guilt, pressure, and failure. It is time that we start to get real with ourselves by setting reasonable expectations to meet. I am not suggesting that you slack off and set the bar exceptionally low (by all means be ambitious); but we can't afford to set the bar so high that it is impossible to reach. Recently I have been feeling disappointed in myself for being unable to meet the expectations that I had set. 

Have to love some old-school math humor-

I put pressure on myself academically by expecting to get nothing lower than an A- in my classes. I have been feeling guilty for not posting on my blog as frequently as I used to. I fear that if I don't post every day people will discontinue checking it for updates. And I am concerned as to the potential negative effects that my virtual absence may have on those who read my entries regularly. During the summer months or when my work load was lighter I was able to post at least once a day. But now that school is back in full swing and I am juggling more responsibilities it is difficult for me to find the time to post as often as I once did or as I would like to. It is important that I look at my current situation and reassess the amount that I can expect myself to do. My expectations with respect to my school work also need to be remodeled. I am starting to take more advanced courses and subsequently am facing more challenging work than I had in previous semesters. It is infeasible for me to earn straight A's when my classes and the course material are becoming increasingly more difficult. If I don't get real with myself now by reevaluating my expectations and altering them, making them more reasonable or feasible, then I am bound to collapse under the pressure that I am putting on myself. Let us give ourselves a bit of relief by taking some pressure off ourselves. How can we do this? Well, first we need to look at our lives and map out our responsibilities, assess the amount of time we have to dedicate toward said responsibilities, and ultimately create expectations that are reasonable with respect to our obligations and amount of free time. Once we evaluate these elements of our lives- responsibilities, tasks, free time, personal abilities, priorities- then we become capable of setting expectations for ourselves that won't lead to feelings of disappointment, failure, and guilt. We all have our limits and we can't expect ourselves to excel beyond these limits, do everything, and achieve excellence in all aspects of our lives.

"...I am bound to collapse under the pressure."

"When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are."

- Donald Miller

At first this quote may seem irrelevant to the topic at hand. But with further analysis and associated explanation I think you will find that it is in fact key to the idea of getting real. Instead of the "people" insert the word "yourself." Also, replace the word "them" with the word "yourself" and the word "they" with "you." Now it reads, When you stop expecting yourself to be perfect, you can like yourself for who you are. Does the quote and/or notion seem fitting now? 

"...you can like yourself for who you are."

We need to throw out unreasonable expectations that we believe will yield perfection. In my entry, Perfection Does Not Exist, I attempted to make it exceptionally apparent that we must stop reaching for this impossible goal. The idea of perfection is closely connected to the concept of creating infeasible expectations. Just like perfection these expectations cannot be met and we will subsequently be left feeling let down and worthless. Once we stop expecting ourselves to do the impossible then we can finally recognize what we are capable of doing and appreciate these strengths and abilities. For example, the difficulty of my courses this semester will prevent me from earning straight A's. This is a fact that I need to accept and redefine my personal expectations in order to make them reasonable. I believe that I can set my sights on an A- or a B+ in all my courses as long as work hard and perform to the best of my ability. By altering my expectations, making them more realistic, I will be able to feel fulfilled and proud at the end of the semester despite not earning all A's. The only thing that has changed in this situation is what I expect of myself. By slightly lowering the bar I am more able to meet my expectations without carrying the burdens of pressure and stress. There is no shame in earning a B+; likewise there is no shame in setting new, reasonable expectations when your prior ones no longer fit with your life and circumstance. By altering my expectations with respect to my grades I enable myself to appreciate my level of dedication as a student and the knowledge I am acquiring as I continue with my studies. Instead of feeling bogged down the pressure of expecting an A, I am able to absorb the material and recognize the miraculous way that my brain works. 

Take Some Pressure Off Yourself

Once we have taken some of the pressure off ourselves by setting reasonable expectations we have more brain power available to us for recognition, appreciation, and awareness. Setting our expectations too high- earning straight A's, overloading ourselves with responsibilities, committing to too many tasks, making over zealous plans- detracts from our quality of life and debilitates us from seeing how truly wonderful and able we are. After we have recognized what we are capable of and set reasonable expectations then it is time that we own them and stand by them.

"I'm not in this world to live up to you expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine."

- Bruce Lee

The only person who can judge whether or not you have been successful and lived up to your potential is yourself. You can try to lie to yourself by setting expectations that are easily met or are below your true abilities but at the end of the day the only person you are cheating is yourself. Similarly, no one can tell you whether or not your expectations are right or wrong. Your expectations need to reflect your wants, your abilities, your priorities, and your aspirations. The key word here is "your." Creating expectations based upon what others think is best for you is bound to lead to unhappiness and disappointment because no one knows you better than you do.

Only bother focusing on what you personally expect of yourself-

I have recently run into this issue with respect to my blog. Other people have the expectation that I should be posting more frequently and up until recently I had this same expectation for myself. However, because of my current routine and life, posting every day or even every other is simply an impossibility. I altered my personal expectations but aiming to post at least three times a week. But, other people- readers, friends, family- continued to expect me to post more often. I was putting pressure on myself because I simply could not live up to these expectations. This quote is perfect for me because it provides with insight- an idea that we were taught at a very young age- that I somehow forgot. Everyone elses' expectations for me are irrelevant; the only ones that matter are the reasonable expectations that I set for myself. If I can live up to my own expectations, in this case posting about 3 times a week, then I can eliminate some of the pressure and still feel satisfied with my result.

No need to fear expectations if they are reasonable-

I feel as if we all have a point in our lives when we find ourselves striving to meet expectations that others- parents, friends, teachers, employers, doctors- have set for us. The issue with this is that it becomes difficult to muster up passion and dedication when we are attempting to achieve an expectation that is not personal. We do our best work when we are aiming toward meeting an expectation that we feel personally connected to and responsible for. I urge you to take a look at your life and reflect upon the expectations that you are currently attempting to meet. Are these expectations outdated? Do they need to altered- lowered or raised- in order to fit with your present life? Are you striving for perfection and subsequently judging yourself for failing? Or do you have reasonable expectations for yourself and your life that will allow you to feel proud and fulfilled? Have you set your own expectations or are you working to meet expectations that others have created for you? Do your expectations accurately reflect your abilities? Your priorities? Your ultimate goals? Reflect upon your life and your expectations by asking yourself this questions. Dedication, hard work, and passion can allow us to meet all of expectations as long as these expectations are reasonable. Throw any and all outrageous expectations out the window; they will only lead to negative feelings- disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration, unhappiness. If we can get real with respect to our personal expectations then we have the opportunity to get fulfillment, appreciation, and most of all happiness.

Aim for your reasonable expectations and don't look back!
xo

P.S. If you didn't make this deduction from my post, I will be updating my blog less frequently due to an increase in other responsibilities. My lack of post is not because I have abandoned my effort to find happiness one quote at a time nor is it a reflection of how much I appreciate and care for my loyal readers. I will continue to update as much as I possibly can (probably 2-3 times a week) but I needed to set new and reasonable expectations for myself with respect to my blog in order to take some of the pressure off. As always, thank you for continuing to read and respond to my entries. Knowing that I have a dedicated group of readers who appreciate what I have to say brings me joy every single day. I never knew my little blog project would gain this momentum and provide me with such a great level of satisfaction. I suppose sometimes when our expectations are low we get rewarded with an exciting surprise!

"Knowing that I have a dedicated group of readers...brings me joy every single day."

Perfection Does Not Exist

We All Have Our Shit

Perception is Not Reality

Perfection is as real as unicorns-

From the outside my life seems ideal, nearly perfect. I was lucky enough to be born into a wealthy family that could provide me with any material possession I could possibly want. I am earning straight A's at an Ivy League University. I have a large pool of friends and a decent social life on campus. When I walk out my door I look put together; there is not a hair out of place metaphorically speaking. I live in my own cozy apartment that is decorated flawlessly, reflecting my style and personality. I have an adorable kitten who snuggles up with me. I have long brown hair. I am thin, enabling me to wear almost anything out there. I am for all intensive purposes attractive. It appears that I have it all together and that my movements are effortless. Everything seems to be perfect; but, in fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. 

Would you guess that I often feel this way?

I am chronically ill with anorexia nervosa. My mind is overwhelmed, attempting to balance school, eating disordered thoughts, depression, and my OCD/perfectionist tendencies. Everything I do- each accomplishment, completing assignments, eating, socializing, cleaning my apartment, waking up each day- requires a painful degree of mental and physical effort. It is nearly impossible for me to be present and have fun when my mind is always preoccupied. 

Bones as cold as ice-

Just walking across campus leaves me out of breath and exhausted. When it's cold, like today, my bones feel as if they are made of ice. I am constantly sick because my immune system is weak from malnutrition. My hair line is receding and my arms are covered with abnormally thick hair, called lanugo, that my body has created as a means of additional warmth. It is difficult to fulfill obligations while also maintaining my health and my sanity. I live my life on a prayer, hoping that I can stay well enough to graduate from college (finally) and begin to create a life for myself post graduation. But I am filled with doubt and uncertainty. I have been maintaining my minimally acceptable weight for quite awhile now, but I know that my situation is precarious. One bad week of symptom use and/or anxiety and I am screwed- below an acceptable weight, unable to function, back in treatment. What is my point in sharing all of this information with you? I am not looking for sympathy nor do I want applause; I'm hoping to help you recognize that perception is not reality and that perfection does not exist because we all have our shit lying beneath the face that we put on for the world. Growing up I remember seeing other girls and imagining how wonderful their lives must be; they seemed perfect and I would have done anything to be one of them.

"Stop trying to 'fix' yourself; you're not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond belief."

- Steve Maraboli

I probably would have benefited from hearing Maraboli's advice back in the day. (But knowing myself I probably wouldn't have believed him or I would have adamantly refuted his statement.) Wishing that I could be these other people was a waste of time and energy for two main reasons. The first comes directly from the above quote. I did not need to 'fix' or change myself in order to create a life and persona that pleased me. It sounds very cliche but instead of wishing I should have been accepting; accepting my flaws and figuring out how to build a life for myself despite my imperfections. The second reason is knowledge that I needed to gain on my own. With time and experience I began to realize that this supposed perfection was a falsified image that I had created based on limited information. These people that I emulated were not perfect. They had shit too; I just wasn't privy to it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that one day I would be someone who was seemingly worth emulating. 

Is this worth envying?

I am flawed, my life is imperfect, my past and present are painful, my future is unknown. Who would ever want to be me or be like me? I was shocked to discover recently that others saw me in the same way that I saw those seemingly perfect girls during my youth. They looked at my accomplishments, my appearance, and my behaviors and came to an inaccurate deduction; they assumed that my life was more desirable than theirs. People envied and applauded my ability to be in school. They acclaimed me, saying that I was "bad ass." And people wished that they were as thin as I am. My reactions to these words were numerous and varying. At first I was angry; how could people not see how much pain I am in? How dare they disregard the degree of effort I have to put forth by assuming that my life is perfect or that I live with ease? After my anger and frustration came sadness and disappointment. I felt like a fraud or a fake. I go about my life at an anorexic weight and write this inspirational blog, earn good grades, go out with friends, and live a somewhat typical life. 

Stand up to the Pro-Ana movement 

I am concerned that I have been unintentionally sending the message that you can be anorexic and function, that anorexia can be a lifestyle choice. I feel like a fucking walking, breathing, living pro-ana campaign and it makes me sick to my stomach. The pro-ana movement counters my values, morals, and beliefs. I would never wish this disease upon anyone, so it is appauling to me that there are people out there who wish it upon themselves and/or help others attain it. How can I feel good about myself when I am unintentionally promoting and supporting a movement that defies everything I stand for? How can I be proud and satisfied with myself when  I am leading people to believe that you can live a fulfilling, productive, and happy life while also holding onto your eating disorder? The truth is that you can't. 

"I would never wish this disease upon anyone..."

I may appear to have it all- confidence, fulfillment, functionality, success, happiness, my anorexia- but in reality I am living a half life. Other's perception of me and my life is not reality. It may look as if I have everything figured out, that I am put together, and that my life is whole; but, in reality my anorexia is robbing me of my health and happiness every single day. You may not see this from the outside but I can feel it on the inside. I still have my shit and so do you; we all do. It may not be obvious to others. It may not materialize physically- weight loss, self-harm, obesity, extreme plastic surgery- but it is still there. Just because your problems aren't visibly apparent does not make them any less real or significant than those that can be seen by the naked eye. Ultimately we all struggle because perfection does not exist. 

"Perfect? How can you define a word without concrete meaning?"

- Ellen Hopkins

Perhaps we say that perfection does not exist because there is always room for improvement, always the possibility of doing something better. Or maybe it is nonexistent because we all have different ideas of what perfect means.

What is perfection?

As Hopkins explains, one is unable to define a word that lacks concrete meaning. There is not unanimous agreement regarding the definition of perfect and its meaning changes depending on the situation. If you describe someone as your perfect mate you are asserting that the individual fulfills your wants, meets your expectations, and makes you feel complete. It doesn't mean they are flawless; it simply means that they are compatible with you. However, if you are referring to a perfect score on an exam the meaning changes. In this case perfect refers to an absence of errors. We can't claim that an individual has a perfect life when we can't agree what perfect means. What I deem perfect may be completely different then what you consider to be perfect. Perfection does not exist simply because its meaning is constantly changing depending on the person, timing, context, and situation. How can we aim to achieve something that lacks a definitive meaning? It seems to me that it is more logical to work toward improvement rather than striving for perfection.

I always need to add a bit of humor !

"Don't worry about getting perfect, just keep getting better."

- Frank Peretti

Yes, there is always room for improvement; but, can we do as Peretti suggests and work toward getting better without having perfection as our ultimate goal? What's the point of practicing and working if we will never achieve perfection? It comes down to realizing that there are other reasons behind wanting to improve yourself, your abilities, and your life. You may never be perfect, but you can always work toward being kinder, more committed, less argumentative, happier, etc. You might not perfect a specific task but you can continue to work toward improving your skills and abilities. I will never be perfectly fluent in French but that doesn't stop me from studying everyday and absorbing as much of the language as I possibly can. 

I know my life will never be perfect or fit my version perfect. (As I said before we all ascribe different meanings to the word "perfection.") But am I supposed to give up on bettering my situation and life simply because it will never be perfect? Since I can't achieve perfection should I resign myself to live in squalor? Absolutely not. My life may not be perfect but that is no excuse to simply give up. I can put forth my best efforts to make my life as fabulous as it can possibly be. I will continue to do things that bring me comfort- cuddling with Milly, journaling, snuggling in my bed. I will always strive to succeed and commit myself to do my absolute best in everything that I do- school, job, relationships, apartment upkeep. I am going to actively engage in fun- going out with friends, baking, shopping, travelling. And, I will continue to pursue happiness with fervent effort.

"I will continue to pursue happiness with fervent effort."

My life will never be perfect; but, that fact is not going to stop me from working to create a life worth living. We have only one chance to experience life and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity, filling my life with friends, family, success, peace, laughter, pleasure, and joy! It is time that we start accepting the fact that problems exist and the we all have our shit. We need to stop walking around, looking at other people, and envying the lives that they seem to have; our perception of them and their life is not reality. At the end of the day their lives probably aren't worth envying because no one lives a problem free life. Instead we should recognize that we have issues to deal with and be active in working toward resolving them. Dwelling on our problems, feeling sorry for ourselves, and wishing that they would miraculously disappear is a waste of valuable time and mental faculties. Life is made up of a multitude of elements- good and bad- including the existence of problems. We can't pick and choose what aspects of life we want and which ones we don't. We either engage in all of it or have none of it.

We All Have Our Shit

"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."

- Theodore Rubin

When we see people from afar and do not have access to inside information regarding their lives it is easy to imagine that everything about them and their life is perfect; we fail to comprehend that perception is not reality and we dream up the fact that some lives aren't burdened by problems. In doing so we set ourselves up to be disappointed with ourselves and our own lives. As Rubin says, the trouble is that we believe that life is possible sans problems; this false notion results in us thinking that having problems is an issue. Having shit feels wrong or as if it taints us in some way and consequently we judge ourselves because we are not perfect. 

It's time to realize that perception is not reality-

We compare ourselves to those who appear flawless, which results in further disappointment and self-loathing. All of this needs to stop right now. We can't afford to continue thinking that perfection exists. We are endangering our emotional and mental well-being by comparing ourselves to an impossible ideal. If we can understand that perception is not reality and believe that we all have our shit than we can finally put an end to the assumptions, comparisons, and judgments that bring us down. Once we recognize that perfection does not exist we can begin to make realistic expectations for ourselves and our lives. We can create fulfilling lives  by working toward and meeting these personal expectations. No, I am not perfect. My life is not perfect but I don't expect it to be because no one's life is. We will never achieve perfection but that does not mean we are unable to achieve happiness.

Appreciate every moment of your imperfect life,
xo

Learn more about anorexia nervosa- symptoms, warning signs, and risks- and help me and millions of others by spreading awareness about this life threatening illness. Thank you for reading my blog. You and your responses are constant sources of support and happiness for me.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper

Lets live life FUN !