Do Not Disturb

It's Time for Bed

A Soothing Evening Affirmation

I have not posted an evening affirmation for quite a while. However, after a few tumultuous days, I am finding the need for a soothing affirmation in order to prepare myself for bed this evening. Today started off pretty well, I made it to my class and was able to complete a decent amount of work, but I soon found myself overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings and dark thoughts. The darkness of the night sky is seeming to only serve as a means of intensifying the gloom that overtook me earlier in the day. I am longing for something to alleviate these mental and emotional disturbances. I wish that telling my mind that it's time for bed was as simple as placing a do not disturb sign on the door knob of a hotel room; unfortunately, this is not the case. We need to work a little harder in order to notify our minds and bodies that it's time for bed.

I am hoping that the following soothing evening affirmation will serve the same purpose as the handy do not disturb signs that are provided to guests at hotels.

I soothe my nerves, welcoming peace into my being, by releasing all mental tensions.

"...welcoming peace into my being..."

This evening affirmation is the perfect fit for me this evening as my mind continues to twist and turn. If I am successful in embodying this affirmation than I have the ability to find peace and quiet by releasing the disturbing and painful thoughts and emotions that have been haunting me recently. I pray for the strength to let go of any tension that may disturb my ability to find peace, soothe myself, and prepare for bed. 

We all experience thoughts, situations, and feelings that can interfere with our ability to release mental tension. These things do not obey a do not disturb sign that we may hang on our hotel door. It is up to us to create a message to our mind that tells it that it's time for bed and that it is no longer permitted to disturb us with painful memories, upsetting thoughts, or negative emotions. Let us use this soothing affirmation in order to give notice to our minds and bodies that it's time for bed and we no longer entertain thoughts and emotions that prevent us from achieving a sense of peace. 

Let us repeat this affirmation like a mantra until we can fully absorb it. As I say these words aloud I envision my nerves slowly releasing any tension that has built up over the course of the day. I watch disturbing mental images and thoughts float away into the infinite beyond. 

"I look at peace, imaging it taking shape in the form of a white tulip..."

I look at peace, imagining it taking shape in the form of a white tulip, and it sits by my side, watching over me as I slowly enter the blissful dream land that sleep affords us. The white, purity of peace enters my mind and soul, and I manage to put aside the anger, frustration, and tension that has grown within me over the course of the last few days. I will continue to repeat this affirmation until I feel the full effects of its soothing powers. I encourage you to do the same. If we manage to absorb these words, and alert our minds that they are not to disturb us as we strive to achieve a peaceful sleep, than we will be able to awake tomorrow feeling truly rested and refreshed. 

It's time for bed, so goodnight friends, sleep well-

xo

Hold It Together

Don't Make Yourself Nuts!

Maintaining Sanity in this Crazy World

Don't Make Yourself Nuts!

Well, as usual, life seems to have no shortage of dramatic events to toss my way. This past week has been absolutely insane. But on this occasion I don't feel as if life is necessarily to blame for the chaos that has recently ensued. I am starting to strongly believe that perhaps I am responsible for making myself nuts. My latest emotional and mental break was a result of a very normal and everyday task. I was assigned to write a 5 page paper for one of my classes. I wasn't overly concerned about it considering I am a fairly competent writer, never really encountering issues when it comes to formulating and supporting arguments through words, and I had given myself an adequate amount of time in order to complete it by the assigned date. A part of me was actually excited to write the paper because the assignment had a degree of flexibility, which allowed me to choose a topic of personal interest. I was confident that I would be able to write a well executed paper without experiencing any significant level of stress during the process. However, my feelings of confidence were apparently misguided or perhaps simply premature. 

Everything "started becoming blurry."

I am not sure exactly what happened, but the night before the paper was due I found myself struggling to piece it together. Ideas that once seemed clear and distinct started becoming blurry. Arguments I had crafted to support my case no longer made sense. I felt as if the concepts from class that I had chosen to utilize had not been thoroughly explained within the context of my paper. I just began writing and writing and before I knew it this easy 5 page paper turned into a redundant, 14 page, disorganized mess. My OCD tendencies were in full swing, causing me to over complicate the assignment and leaving me feeling insecure and as if I could not eliminate a single element, for fear of inadequately support my argument. I have been a student for a very long time (over 18 years) and I have never pulled an all nighter. Well, that fact changed this past week. My anxiety and need to create a perfect paper kept me up all night. The hours seemed to fly by. I remember looking at the clock at 1:30 am and before I knew it the sun was coming up. 

"The hours seemed to fly by."

I stayed up all night writing this paper and when morning came it still was not done. By this point not only was my paper completely disjointed but so was I. My OCD and perfectionist tendencies have never hindered my ability to perform academically nor have they detracted from the quality of my work. If anything the pairing has always seemed to enhance my abilities as a student. But all of a sudden I was finding myself unable to hold it together. I was literally unravelling due to my anxiety, perfectionism, and sleep deprivation. The combination was making me nuts and I was the only source responsible for this craziness. 

The crazy aftermath of my all nighter-

"Inside every sane person there's a madman struggling to get out...That's what I've always thought. No one goes mad quicker than a totally sane person."

- Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

I couldn't imagine a better quote to describe my personal bout with madness. Just like the quote says, one minute I was totally fine and everything seemed to be in order and then all of sudden I was in the midst of absolute chaos and insanity. I was feeling good, confident, and "totally sane" and then before I knew it I seemed to have gone absolutely "mad!" The event was truly terrifying because it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Yes, I've reached my breaking point numerous times in the past, but there were always cues or it seemed to happen over the course of a period of time. It has never occurred as abruptly as it did this past week.

As always, a little humor never hurts-

Additionally, I am used to my OCD having an impact on my actions- keeping my apartment immaculately ordered, feeling the need to fold and refold blankets until they look just right, dressing myself in a very specific way, maintaining the same ritualistic routines daily, and organizing my notes so that they are clear and neat- but I have never regarded it as a serious issue, nor did I consider it to be a form of madness, because the behaviors didn't significantly disrupt my life. In actuality, I kind of liked my level of OCD because I appreciated some of the ways it influenced me and my life. I love walking into a clean, organized, and calm apartment every day. I take pride in my appearance and enjoy putting myself together each morning. And my clear and detailed note taking has served me well when it comes to reviewing for tests and writing papers.

"...prevent a similar unraveling..."

It wasn't until this OCD induced all nighter that I began to realize that perhaps this is an issue that needs to be dealt with, in order to prevent a similar unraveling from occurring again in the future. The world is crazy enough as it is; I do not need to be adding any more insanity to my world and my life by making myself nuts. But this thought forces me to face two key questions: How do I manage to eliminate this self-induced insanity and hold it together? And once I have been able to do that, how can I maintain sanity while living in this crazy world?

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."

- Marcus Aurelius

"I can't think of anyone...who strives to be considered insane."

There is not one bit of me that can argue against this statement. I can't think of anyone I know who strives to be considered insane. Perhaps one would suggest that I am insane because of my OCD tendencies, anorexia nervosa, perfectionist qualities, and atypical thoughts. But, I don't really care what others think of me as long as I consider myself to be of sound mind. The morning after my all nighter I could not honestly think that I was perfectly sane. I looked around at the array of papers littering my apartment floor. I felt the dampness of stressed induced perspiration in my clothes. I saw the sunken eyes that looked back at me in the mirror. I watched my bony, dry fingers flutter across my computer's key board. I knew that these were not signs of sanity. 

"I knew that these were not signs of sanity."

Maybe the ability to recognize that we are making ourselves nuts is the first step to learning how to hold it together. If we can acknowledge that our behaviors are not indicative of mental wellness then we at least have something to work with. We can address the thoughts and actions that seem problematic, and with time and help, learn how to correct them. If we know that we don't want to be "in the ranks of the insane," and are able to identify behaviors that may land us there, then we have the power to change our ways in order to hold it together. I can recognize that my perfectionist tendencies have escalated to an unhealthy level. It is one thing to feel obliged to keep my apartment tidy. It is a different thing entirely when these tendencies result in my inability to perform a simple task. I have come to terms with the fact that this is an issue that I need to take care of in order to prevent future episodes and quite frankly to stop making myself nuts! 

I don't need to give it up all together, but I must pull in the reigns and regain some control over it so that it no longer has the capability of negatively impacting me and my life. Once we have taken care of the internal things that are driving us crazy and have found some peace within ourselves, it is time to move on to the second question that I posed: How do we maintain sanity in this crazy world? It is no doubt that we live in a world full of insanity, chaos, and elements that we cannot control. We need to figure out how to prevent the world's craziness from permeating our skin and entering our core. 

"Nothing external to you has any power over you."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote seems fitting as we strive to maintain sanity when being constantly surrounded by insanity. We can alter Emerson's words slightly and choose to use them as an affirmation-

Nothing external to me has power over me.

Or in other words-

Nothing outside myself has the ability to negatively impact me.

The world's craziness is not a monster in the closet-

If we can repeat these words to ourselves every daym no matter what we are facing, then perhaps we have found an ingredient for the recipe of maintaining sanity. However, I do believe that other steps are necessary in order to pursue this difficult task. An affirmation alone cannot protect us from the craziness that we face every single day. We need to take other measures in order to prevent this insanity from seeping into our beings and potentially jeopardizing our sanity. So now that I have thoroughly scared you, portraying the world's craziness as a monster in the closet that is waiting to get you, it is time for me to reveal the secret to holding it together when everything else- work, school, relationships, family, finances, and the world- seem to be going absolutely crazy and are threatening to push us to the brink of sanity. Honestly it's really quite simple, not much of a secret at all in actuality. 

The key to maintaining sanity in this crazy world in which we live is to keep a little list of things that you know help bring you back down to earth when you and your mind seem to be flying away. Similarly to concepts that I have discussed in previous entries, these things don't need to elaborate or grandiose or intensive. They don't have to require a great deal of time or money or effort. And they don't even need to make sense to anyone else. The only requirement is that they are able to instill you with a peace of mind and enable you to reclaim and/or maintain your sanity when you are at risk of losing it. I have an assortment of little nothings that I like to do when I need a moment to gather myself together and block out the external craziness. I enjoy a glass of white wine at the end of the day. I'll go outside into the icy cold and smoke a cigarette. I like to walk into bookstores and see what catches my eye- stationary, journals, cards, books involving France. And for me, nothing beats going into the drugstore and seeing what silly little nick-knacks manage to find their way into my shopping basket. 

"I enjoy a glass of white wine..."

These tiny things, most of which cost nothing or very little, fill me with a sense of calm and peace. These feelings growing until they fill every fiber of my being. And then this intense inner-peace acts as a shield, prohibiting any outside insanity from entering my mind, body, or soul. Create a list of things that provide you with this protective sense of inner-peace. Keep it handy, whether it's written down or simply ingrained in your mind, so that if the world's craziness ever catches you off guard then you are already prepared with a means to combat it. I feel as if it's almost easier to fight off the insanity that comes from external sources, rather than the craziness that can come from within. I find myself being able to hold it together even when everything going on around me is telling me that I should be falling apart. Maybe it's just me but I feel as if I am well equipped to maintain sanity when provoked by this crazy world. It isn't the world that has the propensity to make me nuts. More often then not, I am the one accountable for making me nuts. 

Which direction shall we choose to go?

I am not sure if I am alone in this feeling or not. I definitely have friends who feel similarly, describing the feeling of being stuck in one's own head and expressing frustration over their inability to stop negative thought patterns or the fact that they can't seem to be present. I, like them, know these feelings all too well. It is starting to get me thinking about these categories of sane and insane. Is it possible that the answer is not so black and white? Could there be a continuum of sanity and that we don't need to be at one pole or the other but perhaps we fall somewhere in between? And maybe we are not the same level of sane at all times? Perhaps it is constantly fluctuating? It could be that one minute we are perfectly level headed and then the next minute we have shifted a bit and moved slightly close to the realm of insanity. Now I am really starting to feel insane. I started this post with the intent to answer two main questions and I find myself closing with yet more questions that I don't have the ability nor the time to even attempt to answer. 

However, I suppose the best way to maintain sanity, regardless of the locus of craziness that is seemingly threatening it, is by simply accepting where you are and how you are feeling at this point in your life. Lets tame the qualities within us that have the propensity to drive us nuts. Lets keep in mind the little things that help quell our feelings of chaos or craziness. And let us stop judging ourselves for feeling as if we are walking a thin line between crazy and sane. 

Girl, Interrupted (1999)

I think that we all have points in our lives when it seems as if we are on the border. Life happens and sometimes things that we don't expect to push us over the edge manage to do so. Instead of wasting time questioning our sanity, let us remember that we all have our moments, and lets consider the fact that perhaps a little bit of insanity resides within all of us.

"Was everybody seeing this stuff and acting as though they weren't? Was insanity just a matter of dropping the act?"

- Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

I wish you luck as you head out into this crazy world,

xo

Sometimes our minds feel like this and it's hard to hold it together-

Keep it Together, Guster

It's difficult to always maintain sanity in this crazy world-

Crazy, Britney Spears

And of course I'll leave with you some cuteness and laughter for the road-

P.S: If you were at all curious- I was able to finally finish my paper and I received an extension from my teacher so I was not at all penalized. She was completely understanding of my personal health situation and offered me support when I needed it most. I may have had a brush with insanity but I'm pleased to report that I have come out alive and somehow everything has worked itself out. I have faith that all will work in the end for you as well!

Technology Overload

Old Soul in the New World

Navigating the "iWorld" and Beyond

Technology Overload

These past few days have been technologically eventful for this old soul. After writing a detailed and in depth post about gratitude, appreciating our abilities, and recognizing our own personal "zest," I was heart broken to discover that it did not save. If it had, my blog would have been updated two days ago. Clearly me and my old soul are not properly equipped to conquer this new world and its accompanying technology. Today proved to be just as stressful as I went through a technological overhaul and subsequently a technology overload. My father treated this old soul to a new iPhone and iPad. As I tried to sync both devices to my computer as well as each other I found myself becoming overwhelmed and stressed. These technological innovations are supposed to make our lives easier and more convenient. Yet, I seem to be incompatible with these new technogolical devices and I am concerned that I'll never be able to navigate the "iWorld" and beyond. Perhaps I am bound to be dedicated to my written day planner and personal cards.

Maybe I'll never be the most tech savvy person. But, it would be nice to be able to utilize the newest technology and navigate the "iWorld" without experiencing a panic attack. It would be reassuring to know that I could write a blog post without fearing that I may lose it to the intangible internet. It makes me wonder if I am truly an old soul or if I better fit in the category of "keep it simple stupid." Am I choosing to be unique by standing my ground and refusing to accept the "iWorld" and beyond? Or am I simply afraid of change and newness because I fail to understand or trust it? I am not sure. I am trying to thrust myself into the throws of this new world. But, doing so is causing me an uncalled for amount of stress; it is a stress that I am deeming technology overload. 

However, I am doing my best to become accustomed to all these technological opportunities while holding on to some of my old school rituals that I am comfortable with. I will continue to rely on my trusty day planner. I will opt to send hand written cards instead of impersonal e-mails. I will continue to religiously journal and read from hard copy books. 
But, I am choosing to delve into the "iWorld" out of practicality. The iPhone is just the most convenient device for me considering I am able to access both my e-mail as well as the internet from it. I am willing to try out the iPad seeing as it is significantly lighter than my laptop; I am certain it will help in reducing the mass amount of knots that I currently have in my back. I am trying to live as an old soul in this new (and ever changing) world; but, I am beginning to question whether or not this is feasible.

"But, I am choosing to delve into the 'iWorld' out of practicality."

I guess ultimately it comes down to two main questions. Firstly, how can we integrate change into our lives yet manage to avoid an overload, such as I experienced? And secondly, how can we make these shifts while staying true to our beliefs and ourselves? These questions expand beyond the realm of technology and innovation. How can we remain calm when experiencing life changes- going off to college, become an empty nester, getting married, becoming a parent or grandparent? And how can we hold on to our sense of selves while undergoing these life changes- small and major? I am going to offer us two quotes; the first quote is about change and the second is about self-acceptance. I am hoping that we can take a piece from each, integrating elements from both into our daily lives, and figure out how to maintain our personal qualities while simultaneously embracing change and newness.


"You must welcome change as the rule but not as your ruler."

- Denis Waitley

I liked this quote from Waitley because I felt as if it was on a similar track as my own notions regarding change. We know it is coming; we can't stop it. But, at the same time, we can't allow it dictate our behaviors, what we believe, or who we are. We must be willing to accept change and even test new waters at times; however, we need not allow change to completely alter our sense of being. I am willing to dabble in the "iWorld" but I refuse to let it completely change the way I live my life. You will not see me slyly sending emails underneath the dinner table. You will certainly never find me on Twitter or Instagram (no matter how many times my brother attempts to set both up for me.) And I refuse to give up on some of my forms of communication that are now deemed old-fashioned or out of date. This old soul is welcoming the changes that come with this new world; but, I am not letting go of actions and beliefs that are atypical, differentiating me in this age of insane technological advancement. This sentiment leads me into my next quote about self-acceptance & appreciation.

"...first rate version of yourself..."

"Always be a first rate version of yourself, intead of a second-rate version of someone else."

- Judy Garland

It is easy to lose a sense of who we are at our core in this ever changing world that promotes reinvention and self-improvement. The number of weight loss adds on television is alarming. To me they are saying that you are not ok just the way you are; you need to lose and change because somehow your outer appearance reflects who you are on the inside. The push to change from hard copies and hand written texts to technology is telling us that the old ways are no longer relevent or useless. Reality television shows that display obscene amounts of wealth and pure over indulgence promote a global shift. It is a shift that reflects a change in international values and changes that put greater significance on materialism and money. These three examples are just some from a host of changes taking place in our new world. We have a few options when looking at the "iWorld" and beyond. We can choose to completely ignore it; but in doing so we do a disservice to ourselves. We can't completely neglect the fact that our world is changing; but, if we make this choice we are sure to be disappointed because some day we will look around us and feel like foreigners in our own world and lives. We can opt to fully embrace everything that this new world has to offer and change ourselves in complete correspondence with the shifts going on in the world.

But, again, I need to give warning in taking this route. There is a part of us that is innate and completely unique to who we are. By allowing change to dictate our core values and beliefs, natural behaviors, and identity we are at risk of becoming "second-rate version[s] of someone else," rather than "first rate version[s] of [ourselves]." Instead I am proposing a third option. Let us accept change and innovation; let us find a way to integrate both into our already existing selves and lives. We can navigate the "iWorld" and beyond. We can appreciate change and choose to incorporate newness that seems practical and beneficial to our lives. But, we can simultaneously maintain our inborn value system and continue practices that are distinct to us. I can proudly say that I am an old soul in a new world. I will never be the most technologically savvy individual out there. (There really is no point in me even trying; it's not going to happen!) I believe that friends and family are more important than money and opulence. (Although I do appreciate a pair of designer shoes every once in awhile..haha.) 

Greeting cards- my guilty pleasure !

I won't succumb to social pressure that suggests that I throw my day planner out the window (G-d forbid) and give up on personal cards because email is "so much more convenient." I am willing to recognize and accept that changes are taking place around me and I am even up for taking part in these changes when they seem practical or it is absolutely necessary. But, I refuse to change who I am to the point where I no longer recognize myself. I am willing to settle on being a "first rate version" of my seemingly outdated self because in my eyes I am not really settling. To settle would be to embody all the shifts taking place around me; in doing so I would be sure to experience more overloads and certainly end up becoming a "second rate version of someone else." Changes- moving, graduating college, technological innovations, divorce, starting a family, political shifts, alterations in national values- happen and there is usually nothing we can do to stop them; it is out of our control. But, what we do have control over is how we opt to respond to these changes. Our responses can be separated into three schools: denial, embodiment, and integration. In this case I have to push for integration- recognize the new shifts taking place around you and make use of those that fit with your values and lifestyle. Allow change to help you in becoming a stronger, more productive, and better version of who you are already. Utilize innovation to become a "first rate version of yourself" because there is truly no one else out there like you.

Change is good when used accordingly,
xo

Sick as a Dog

Starting Second Semester

Playing Catch Up Already

Sick as a Dog

I apologize for my lack of posting recently. As I found myself starting second semester I discovered the unfortunate fact that I was sick as a dog. A trip to student health verified my suspicion that I had a double ear infection. I couldn't think of a less convenient time to be overcome by illness. It is the beginning of a new semester- new classes, new teachers, new start- and have been unable to attend a number of classes. My French course is already in full gear. There is one class I have yet to go to at all. And I am already overwhelmed and stressed because I am playing catch up so early into the new term. I am behind on readings in all my classes. I haven't completed a number of assignments already due in my French course and I have a quiz tomorrow that covers material I haven't even glanced at yet. I am frustrated and anxious. We aren't even two weeks into the semester...how is it possible that I feel so behind already? The next few days and the upcoming weekend will certainly be dedicated to catching up in all my classes. It is so important that I begin the semester strongly because it will set the tone for the remainder of the semester. Missing classes and fall behind on assignments is not ideal way to kick off second semester. I suppose I need to be fair to myself. It is not my fault that I became sick as a dog. My inability to attend classes and finish assignments is not reflective of my aptitude and dedication as a student. I know that once I am back to my regular, healthy self that I will be able to focus on my classes and my work in the manner that I have become accustomed to. But there is a great deal lying between me and my regular and healthy self. First and foremost I need to get well. Once I am feeling better I can concentrate on catching up and then move forward with the semester. I can't focus on new material being presented until I have caught up on what I have missed. 

Playing Catch Up Already

I am trying to remain calm in the midst of this catch up game that I find myself in; becoming overly stressed will on interfere with my ability to make up the work that lies in front of me. I am attempting to look forward rather than backward. I cannot help the fact that I became so sick so quickly. I can't rewind the past few days and undo the choices I have made. I decided to stay in bed and rest instead of pushing myself to go to classes. (I am conveniently forgetting the fact that I found myself unable to move let alone attend a class.) I went to bed early and slept late; consequently I did not have the time to pay attention to my workload that was quickly mounting as I lay sick in bed. However, my choices, to tend to my health needs, allowed me to get up today and make my way to my two classes. Yes, I am behind but I can't let this stop me from continuing onward. Now that I am feeling better it is up to me to concentrate on the tasks at hand, get up to speed in all my classes, and move forward. How am I going to help myself while attempting to do these three things- concentrate, catch up, and continue forward? I am going to focus on a calming affirmation that will enable me to stay relaxed as I strive to fulfill these three goals.

I am calm, relaxed, and in control.

It is key that I embody this affirmation in order to confidently move forward. Being calm and relaxed will allow me to see things clearly. The haze of stress interferes with our abilities to clearly recognize what needs to be done and prioritize tasks accordingly. 

Breathe in calm, breathe out stress-

If we can remain calm and relaxed in the midst of stressful situations then we have already one half the battle. A calm mind correlates to a clear mind; a mind that can organize unfinished tasks and complete them with focus and accuracy. Control is another crucial element when confronted with an anxiety provoking situation. When everything seems to be flying around chaotically, when life seems to be moving at an unbelievable speed, when work bombards us with unrelenting force, we need to compose ourselves and regain a degree of control. How do we obtain this control when everything seems chaotic and unmanageable? Well, honestly, it's difficult to say. The first thing to do is sit down, stop moving, and breathe. Let calmness wash over you and clear your mind. Then, with this new found clarity, look at the work and tasks that you need to complete. Once you know what you need to do then look at the amount of time you have to complete said tasks. Organize your work in conjunction with your available time. Plot out a plan or a schedule. Look at your plan and recognize that you can do this. You have the time to complete the work that needs to be done. You have control over this stressful situation; you can remedy the problem. It is easier to believe that you are in control and have the power to fix the issue (in my case catch up) when you can look at the dilemma clearly and concisely.

"[I] can remedy the problem."

As I am writing this I am breathing and letting go any stressful energy that I may have been holding onto. I am allowing myself to feel calm and relaxed. I am clearing my mind. I am preparing myself to face the mountain of work that accumulated while I was sick. I will begin to list my assignments and tasks with a calm and clear mind. I will tackle them with an air of relaxation and confidence. I will prioritize my work and schedule all assignments and tasks accordingly. As I begin to construct a plan I will feel more in control of the situation the I find myself in. I may be playing catch up already but that does not mean that I will be feeling behind and overwhelmed for the remainder of the semester. No, this has not been the best start to this semester; however, I have the ability to collect myself and move forward strongly. As I begin to make progress with my work I will be able to see that maybe I am not as far behind as I thought. I will chip away at my mountain of work; in time I will be back on course. I will move forward with the semester and in hindsight this period will appear as a blip on my radar. I need to put this situation into perspective rather than blow it out of proportion. I am only one week into a semester that spans 3 months. I guess I have to ask myself, how far behind could I actually be? The answer is obvious- probably not that much. If I approach this situation calmly and confidently then I am sure I will find that this issue is easily remedied with a few days of dedication, diligence, and focus.

Time for me to run and start catching up,

xo

A Kitten Left Behind

Separation Anxiety

In Desperate Need of Milly Kisses

Sometimes Milly helps me blog !

I have been on vacation with family in Florida for the last week or so. I agreed to the trip under the belief that my kitten, Milly, would be able to join us. However, as the trip drew closer I soon discovered that Milly would not be able to come. I felt extreme guilt and anger. The two of us have not been apart since the day I adopted her 3 months ago. Having never owned a pet before I didn't understand why people got so upset and anxious when they were forced to leave their pets. Now that I am a "Mommy" I completely understand.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."

- Anatole France

I can say that France's words  apply to me. Milly has awakened a part of my heart that I didn't even know existed. I didn't know I could love with such fervor. I always knew that I had a strong protective instinct but it has grown immensely since I adopted my kitten. Milly has provoked me to put her needs above my own- refill her food bowl when all I want to do is lay in bed, play with her when I simply want to sit and think, empty her litter box when I don't feel like leaving the apartment. Milly depends on me for everything- food, water, affection. She follows me everywhere I go. After I have been out for a bit she comes running to the door as soon as she hears my voice. She rolls on her back and waits for me to rub her belly and nuzzle with her. And in return I rely on her for company, soothing, and love. She sits on my belly while I sleep. She snuggles in the crook of my arm. She displays her affection with loving licks, which I fondly refer to as kisses. 

A Kitten Left Behind

I felt awful leaving her; she couldn't understand that it would only be for a short time, that I would be coming back. And I anticipated, with certainty, that I would experience separation anxiety while we were apart. Milly has been my number one motivator over the course of the past few months. She has brought warmth and happiness into my life. I was concerned about how I would be able to find calm and feel love without her constant presence. Our first few days in Florida were ok and I didn't think too much about my kitten left behind. There was ample distraction for me as my family and I walked the streets of South Beach. The upcoming New Year provided me with an event to think about and look forward to. Milly was still in my heart but she was not constantly on my mind. However, as soon as we got to Sarasota everything changed. 

The day we arrived was the same day I found out about the death of my friend. (Discussed in yesterday's entry, Life is Precious.) I was beyond distraught, and although I was surrounded by my family, they were unable to provide me with the love and sympathy that I needed. My grief and pain were not describable and could not be mended with words of compassion. My inaudible emotions could only be healed by a love and comfort that can't be spoken. I needed my kitten and I still do. She has a way of making me feel whole. Her purring soothes me and tells me that everything will be ok somehow. I can't describe the magnificent impact that she is able to have on me. But I can sense that I am in desperate need of Milly kisses right now. Perhaps it is this unspoken and non-human love that will be able to pull me out of the depths of misery and sorrow that I am currently experiencing.

"Love cures people- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."

- Karl Menninger

I know Menninger's quote to be true. When I am in relationships with others- friends, family, Milly- that involve love I feel an infinite sense of peace and healing. But, right now, as I grapple with an abundance of difficult emotions, the only love I long for is that of my kitten, Milly. The sadness over the loss of my friend is being amplified by my separation anxiety. There are no words to comfort me. Most humans don't want to sit down and talk about difficult or depressing issues. I know Milly would listen to me regardless of the topic; her willingness to listen to my sadness brings me comfort even if she does not understand what I am saying. It doesn't matter that she can't comprehend my words because she can sense my emotions and she can respond accordingly. She wipes away my tears with Milly kisses. She warms my heart by protectively snuggling on my tummy while I sleep. She soothes my nerves by purring with pleasure. She exudes love, peace, and positivity; these are all elements I need at the moment. 

Love is medecine !

I need my Milly to offer the love that "cures people" because my human relationships are unable to provide me with this at the moment. We all experience separation anxiety at some point in our lives. Sometimes it is over a pet, sometimes a friend, sometimes a loved one. The nice things about separation anxiety is that it is usually easily cured; it will dissipate once you are reunited with the person or animal who you have been apart from. But sometimes separation anxiety is permanent. 
There are those occasions when you will never be reunited with the one you are yearning for. This permanency can be for a number of reasons- death, moving, a relationship deteriorating- and in these cases we need to figure out how to cope. Maybe it involves becoming more active and trying to distract yourself. Perhaps you need to reach out in order to build new relationships; they will never replace the old ones but they can help to fill the void. And you can always do what I did- adopt a pet. You will be doing an invaluable service to both you as well as the animal that you save. Thankfully the separation anxiety I am feeling regarding Milly is not permanent. We will be reunited tomorrow and I will be able to snuggle with her for hours on end. She will purr and love me and hopefully provide me with the comfort that I need in order to get through this rough time. Sometimes human contact isn't able to provide us with the compassion required to overcome hardships and cope with grief. Sometimes the simple love of an animal is the perfect antidote for pain.

"Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet."

- Colette

Wishing you a calm and happy day,
xo

"[Milly] rolls on her back and waits for me to rub her belly..."

I promised Milly I'd be back; the separation anxiety will cease-