The End is Near

Recognizing How Far You've Come

Dreams are Attainable

The End is Near

I have been struggling a lot recently with the fact that I am still an undergraduate and am uncertain as to exactly when I will finally be graduating. I worked on transferring credits over break and the process is slow and frustrating; only 3 courses have been accepted by Penn so far. However, the fact that I have submitted the majority of my credits is a relief. My part is done; now it is just up to Penn to evaluate my previous courses and give credit where credit is due. Although only 3 credits have been accepted and processed so far I am hopeful. I believe that the majority of my course from George Washington University will be approved. I met with my advisor and realized that I am much farther along than I initially thought. I probably only have about 6 more courses to take after this semester in order to complete my degree. I mapped everything out and I have finding that the end is near and I am starting to believe that dreams are attainable. 

"...long and atypical path."

It has been a long and atypical path but I will be able to finish my degree. I could potentially graduate next Fall if I take heavy course loads over the summer and in the next Fall semester. However, I could take it easy and relax a bit by taking lighter loads and in that case I would graduate in the Spring. Either way I am confident that I will be graduating sometime next school year and I am relieved. This process has felt endless and I feared that I would never actually graduate. I was failing to see how much I have actually accomplished; I neglected to recognize how far I have come. I will not graduate college until I am 24 but I am starting to come to terms with that; it's ok. I have struggled and fought. I have taken an abnormal route. I have lost time to illness, treatment, and medical leaves. 

Dreams are Attainable

But, my dream is still attainable. It may not have come about in the fashion or timing that I anticipated but it does not mean that it is lost. Life throws us curve balls. We stray from the course. We find ourselves in situations that we never could have imagined. These irregularities distract us from recognizing how far we've come. They can make us feel as if are goals are impossible to achieve. Meeting with my advisor proved to me that despite my issues and digressions my dream is attainable and although the end is not here, it is near. I can see the light at the end of this dark and twisting tunnel. I am almost there and I could not be happier or more relieved. I finally feel like I am being rewarded for all of my hard work. My experiences and dedication has not been for naught. I will graduate and be able to move forward with my life.

"If you don't know where you are going you will probably end up somewhere else."

- Lawrence J. Peter

"I was wandering aimlessly..."

Until yesterday I was doing just as Peter warns us against. I was wandering aimlessly without knowing exactly what I needed to do in order to achieve my goal. I hadn't taken a good look at my previous course work. I hadn't met with my advisor in order to determine where those courses would fit in or apply to my major requirements. I knew I wanted to graduate but I was not being proactive in achieving this goal. I was signing up for courses that I thought might apply to my degree but I wasn't considering them in conjunction with my previous credits that needed to be transferred. I had no idea what I was doing comparable to not "know[ing] where [I] [was] going." By blindly pursuing my goal I was bound to end up wasting time, taking unnecessary courses, and consequently "end[ing] up somewhere else." I was taking the longer, scenic route unintentionally and without want to do so.

"...taking the longer, scenic route..."

I am not sure why I kept putting off transferring my credits or taking a hard look at what I had left in order to complete my degree. Perhaps I was afraid of what I may find out- discovering that I had years of work ahead of me before I was able to graduate. Maybe I was just being lazy but I kind of doubt that; I am not a lazy person. I think that the most likely explanation was fear. I was afraid that all my previous courses would not apply to anything here at Penn. I was concerned that I would the end was far off. I feared that it would take years and a large numbers of additional credits in order to graduate. I felt that if this were the case it would be impossible for me to stay healthy long enough for me to finish me degree. I am so happy that I finally sucked it up- really looking at my previous course work and meeting with my advisor. I found out that I had no reason to be afraid. I can graduate within a year. I can manage to stay healthy for a year. I can remain dedicated to my school work for one year more. I can do this. The end is near and my ultimate goal is in sight; my dream is attainable.

"The important thing is to strive towards a goal, which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, translated from French by Lewis Galantiere

When I first began my journey at Penn my goal was very far off. I knew I had at least two years of work ahead of me and it seemed as if all the time I had put in at GW was a waste. How would my business courses apply to a Communications major? It just didn't seem possible. I felt as if I would be spending the majority of my twenties in college. I was concerned that I would never be able to enter the "real world" and have a "real," adult life. My goal was "not immediately visible"; it was far off in the distance. But, despite feeling as if it were nearly unattainable, it remained in the forefront of my mind. I continued to pursue it and fight any obstacles that hindered me from achieving it. 

This goal, as Saint-Exupery, says was not one of the mind, "but of the spirit." My soul knew that I owed it to myself to earn my college degree. My spirit kept pushing me forward because my intellect and mind deserved a college experience. I deserved to have my intelligence validated by receiving a college diploma. Not only did I feel as if I deserved to graduate, I wanted to graduate. I wanted to be fed knowledge. I wanted to be surrounded my smart individuals who had similar aspirations as me. I wanted to take full advantage of being a college student- absorbing new information, discovering different interests, engaging in intellectual conversations with teachers and peers, using my brain, proving my abilities by achieving high marks in my classes. My spirit spoke out via my goal; it said that I deserved and wanted to graduate from the University of Pennsylvania. A lot has changed since I first embarked upon this academic journey at Penn. My goal is finally immediately visible. I can see that the end is near and my dream is attainable. But, I never would have gotten here if I had given up when things got difficult. I wouldn't be able to sit here telling you that I will be graduating soon if I allowed my fears to control my actions. If I let the distance of dream dissuade me earlier on than it wouldn't be attainable now. There were so many moments- when I left GW mid-semester, when I transferred schools and had to start from scratch, when I took medical leave last Fall, the times my doctors told me I was going to die, when I experienced lapses, the numerous occasions when I learned of a friend's death- when it would have felt easier to just give up and settle. But almost in spite of these challenges and upheavals, I persevered. Just because your dream is far off does not mean that is not attainable. In time you will come ever closer to reaching it and before you know you will find that the end is near. While my dream of completing college is in sight, I still have a number of aspirations that are far in the distance.

There's no such thing as "too many dreams-"

I want to move to New York City. I want to get married and have a family. I want to be an advocate for eating disorder awareness; I want to be able to help girls and women who struggle like I do. All of these dreams are "not immediately visible." There is still a great deal I need to do before any of them can become a reality. But I am able to believe that I will get there some day because of where I am today. I have recognized how far I have come and realize that this dream, graduating college, is attainable. If I can accomplish one of my dreams than I am capable of fulfilling an infinite number of dreams and goals in the future. When you find yourself doubting yourself think of dreams that you have already achieved. Look at what you have already been able to do and recognize how far you have come. Your dream may seem distant but so were many others once upon a time. If you are capable of working and fulfilling one goal then nothing is stopping you from achieving more in the years to come. Don't allow yourself to get dissuaded by anything- hardships, obstacles, letdowns, tragedy, illness, doubt, fear. 

Use the phrase, "dreams are attainable," like a mantra. Repeat it to yourself when you find yourself struggle. Repeat it when you start to doubt yourself. Say it over and over again when you start to think negatively, when you start to feel that your dream is impossible. I am hear to tell you that it is not impossible; I am living proof that dreams are attainable.

I think if you take a look back on your life you will find that you too are proof that goals can be achieved and dreams can be attained. When we finally accomplish something, or come close to reaching it, we tend to forget that at one point in time it was merely a distant dream. Most dreams start off far in the distance. It takes time, work, and dedication to get close to achieving them; you have to fight for the right to scream from the rooftops that "the end is near!" Maybe, like me, your dream is right around the corner. Or, perhaps, like my dream to be a mother, your dream is far off in the distance. Either way don't every forget that dreams are attainable as long as you continue to work toward them. Some day you will be able to look back and recognize how far you've come; you too will be able to announce that the end is near.

Never give up when pursuing your dreams,

xo

Daydream Believer, The Monkees

Raise Your Spirits

Today is a Good Day

Resolving to Be Happy

"Why does [happiness] seem to be so allusive?"

Recently I have been in quite a funk. I don't find myself wanting to do anything, even things that I ordinarily enjoy doing. Everything- blogging, classes, journaling, organizing, homework, socializing- feels like a daunting task. Life itself feels like a daunting task. Everything feels like work. Nothing entices or excites me. It is tiring and I am frustrated with myself. I preach happiness. I do everything in my power to focus on it and attain it. Why does it seem to be so allusive? I woke up this morning dragging. I had an early morning class and the stress from the night before was still lingering. I did not want to leave my warm bed and enter into the brisk outdoors; but I had to. I went to French class and felt simply lost. My teacher insists on speaking in only French (which in theory sounds appropriate and beneficial for an intermediate language course) but it is not helping me and my already fuzzy mind. I can hardly comprehend English at this point. I am certainly not ready to receive instructions and respond in French. I left class feeling lost, not knowing what to do or where to go. 

I lit a cigarette to calm my nerves and from afar I hear someone calling my name. It is my friend Ben who was in my French class last semester. He bummed a cigarette and we began to chat about the course, school, and life at Penn. Suddenly another friend from last semester approached. It turned into an impromptu reunion! For that brief period of time I forgot my woes, forgot my dissatisfaction, and my frustration waned. I was engaged in conversation with two friends; I felt connected, significant, and happy. A brief conversation with friends was able to raise my spirits. As we departed I made the decision that today is a good day. I am going to resolve to be happy.

I have a strong mind and an unrelenting will. I can choose to let go of anguish, sadness, and feelings of discontent. I can embrace passion, joy, interest, enthusiasm, and happiness. My emotions do not have to take control and dictate the direction of my day. I can use my mind to raise my spirits and make today a good day by focusing on the small delights, simple pleasures, and positives that fill my life. I am sick and tired of feeling as if I am in the gutter. I will no longer allow my emotions to drive me downward. Instead I am resolving to be happy and nothing can get in my way.

"As soon as you recognize that you are able to control your thoughts, happiness will come within your reach."

- David Baird

It almost seems that this quote was made for my entry today. It perfectly corresponds with exactly what I am saying. We all have emotions and thoughts that we need to process. But there are couple questions that must be raised in regard to both. What kind of emotions and thoughts are you have- positive or negative? How much weight are you giving your emotions? How much weight are you giving your thoughts? What level of significance have you ascribed to the positive and the negative respectively? 

Our brains are amazingly powerful entities. They enable us to think about a million different things at once. However, some of these things interfere with our ability to be happy. Some of these thoughts are negative- self-depreciating, mean, pessimistic. Likewise our souls allows us to feel an array of emotions. Some of these emotions raise our spirits- joy, excitement, love, happiness- while others such as jealousy, anger, and sadness drag us down. Because our minds are so powerful we have the ability to allocate significance to the positive thoughts and emotions rather than focusing on the negative. Our minds give us the control to make today and everyday a good day. 

We have the mental strength to disregard or give less significance to unhappy or upsetting events that disable us from achieving happiness. I can choose to concentrate on the classes that I was able to register for and leave the frustration of not getting into certain courses behind. I will be able to get into those other required courses another semester. I can allow the death of my friend start to fade into my memory instead of allowing it to take residence in the forefront of my mind. I can't forget her or her tragic death but I can choose to put my focus elsewhere. I can opt to remind myself of the friends that I remain in contact with instead of mourning the fact that I have lost touch with a great deal of people. I, as well as you, can decide to think these positive thoughts and consequently I will be filled with pleasant emotions. 

In case you can't find thoughts of your own-

These positive emotions will help me to raise my spirits and contribute to creating good and happy days. Lets not focus on all the things in our lives that have gone wrong or that we wish we could change. Giving attention to these thoughts will only lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction. We need to recognize the power of our minds and subsequently our thoughts. Both play major roles in our emotions and the way we feel. We can choose to concentrate on thoughts that bring us joy and pleasure- our families, our pets, our favorite movies, our funny fetishes (for me its stickers, stationary, and Hello Kitty), our interests, good times with friends. Thinking these thoughts give us the ability to resolve to be happy; and when we are happy it is certain that we can assert that today (and everyday) is a good day!

Think positively and happiness is sure to follow,
xo

You Raise Me Up, Josh Groban

I have to believe that happiness is out there for the taking !

Here We Go Again

Getting Back in the Swing of Things

Acclimating to Our Usual Environment and Routine

Here We Go Again

I am officially back on campus and it feels as if I have never left. I don't feel as if I had a break at all. It seems that it has taken me almost no time at all to acclimate to my usual environment and routine. The campus feels as comfortable and familiar as it did when I left it in December. The classroom environment has not changed. The faces of the professors and the material may be different but other then that it all seems very much the same. I am maneuvering from class to class like a pro (now that I have been on campus for almost 2 years.) I am writing down assignments, attempting to adjust my class schedule, texting friends, and balancing my Trenta coffee and a cigarette in my mouth all at once. I have reclaimed my identity as Rachel, the coffee drinking, cigarette smoking, always organized and dedicated Penn student. I can't believe less than 6 hours ago I was snuggle up in my bed at home in the suburbs. Although it seems that I have acclimated rather quickly I still don't fully feel that I am in back in the swing of things. I am adjusting to life on campus, following my routine, and attempting to live up to my standards as a college student; but doing so is taking a great deal of effort on my part. There is a hint of, what I call, that "Here We Go Again" attitude. I give off the appearance that I am taking it all in stride. But, deep down, I am still exhausted, still struggling with the death of my friend, still fighting off illness, and still trying to recuperate after a very eventful and not so relaxing break. 

This semester feels like stale bread-

I don't feel the excitement and enthusiasm that I would like to feel as I approach the dawn of this new semester. It feels stale, old, and monotonous. Its lacks the freshness, energy, and openness that I associate with new beginnings; instead it exudes an air of here we go again...My post from yesterday, All Good Things Must End, offered and affirmation and discussed a level of determination required in order to get back in the swing of things in the hopes of completing tasks and pursuing our goals. I have managed to muster up this determination. I am here on campus. I am going to classes, reaching out to friends, and organizing my life in order to create a strong foundation for the Spring semester. But my determination is not met with an equal level of passion. As I said yesterday, desire is crucial element in building an unyielding determination. My desire to finish my undergraduate remains present and continues to push me forward. But, I want more than just a desire to complete the semester and ultimately graduate. I wish I wanted to be here. 

I'm ready to complete my college experience-

I wish I wanted to be learning, socializing, and participating on campus. It seems that sometime during the last few weeks or so I have lost my enthusiasm for being a college student and perhaps for life itself. I find life to be exhausting and somewhat daunting. I am 23 and I am still attempting to complete my undergraduate degree- When is it going to end? When will I be finished? When will I be able to enter the real world and embark upon my "real life"? 

I'm sick of the game; I want "real life" !

Mentally and emotionally I am ready to graduate now; however, my academic record says otherwise. It seems that I am bound to be a college student for at least 2 more semesters and it is up to me to figure out how to eliminate my here we go again attitude and replace it with some excitement and enthusiasm. I need to open my mind and my heart in order to discover a way to make these next few semesters fun, enlightening, and beneficial. We only are given one undergraduate experience; although mine has been atypical and extended it is still up to me to make the most of it and savor the opportunity. I am going to introduce an affirmation for us to consider in the hopes that it will help us to infuse our lives with some passion and fun-

I am constantly energized by life's possibilities.

New courses, professors, and possibilities !

This affirmation just popped out to me this afternoon. By approaching this semester with a here we go again attitude I have forgotten that this new semester offers a host of possibilities. Although a great deal of things- campus, friends, classes, workload, routine- feel the same as always I have to admit that they are not identical to last semester. I have already brought bags full of new decor for my apartment in order to give it a mini face lift. Yes, my friends are the same, but there is always the chance to meet new people and build upon the friendships that I already have. My classes and professors are completely different from last semester. I have the opportunity to be excited by new material and discover interests in topics that I have yet to study. And I have the chance to make connections with these professors who do not yet know me as a person or a student. So although a lot is the same, a lot is different as well; these differences create possibilities that can both energize as well as excite me. Rather than looking at this semester as yet another semester as a college student I need to look at as new, and with newness comes potential. 

I want genuine enthusiasm-

I am already feeling inspired by this affirmation. It has allowed me to open my eyes and see what makes this semester unlike previous semesters. It has enabled me to realize opportunities for creating and strengthening relationships. It has helped me recognize that there is still a great deal of information out there for me to learn, grasp, and absorb. New classes open doors for new interests and passions. Perhaps my Communications class will introduce a concept I have yet to encounter. My more advanced French course will certainly strengthen my aptitude for speaking and understanding the language. And my schedule is not yet finalized; I may end up in a class that is completely unlike anything I have ever taken before. 

Getting back in the swing of things implies a certain energy (the verb "swing" seems to express a level of enthusiasm or an energetic vibe.) I don't simply want to become acclimated to my environment and routine; I want to metaphorically swing along. I want to bop from class to class, task to task, and friend to friend with a level of unbounded energy and happiness. I want to be passionate about returning to my usual environment and routine. Let us abandon our here we go again attitudes; efface it from your mind and memory. We may returning to our usual environments and routines but that doesn't mean they are the same as when we left them. Instead of looking at our return to the usual as typical and predictable, let us look at the possibilities that come with starting again. It doesn't matter what you are returning to- work, campus, home, school, office- every domain possess a level of novelty and potential. Sometimes we spend so much time focusing on the elements that are the same that we fail to recognize aspects that are different and open the door to possibility. Maybe there is a new employee at your office who you could begin a friendship with. Perhaps you are getting a new roommate at school. You could organize your folders and assignments in a new way in order to incorporate variation into your life. You could add something new to your routine- plan to meet a friend for lunch every Wednesday, start following a new television show, begin journaling, write your own blog! If a new possibility isn't handed to you upon your return take it upon yourself to create one. Just thinking about new possibilities and the potential that this fresh beginning holds can help energize and excite you. Don't just acclimate to your usual environment and routine; get into the swing of things! 

Think about the potential and infinite opportunities that could await you as return to your everyday life. It may seem the same as it was before. It may look and feel identical to how you left it. But, it is not; it is different. Approach this return to school, work, or home with an openness; be willing to see changes and potential. If we allow ourselves to recognize the possibilities that exist within our lives than we are able to become energetic, enthused, passionate, and excited. Let us acclimate to our usual environments and routines while also noticing possibilities to invoke or embrace change. Lets throw a way our here we go again attitudes and add a swing to our steps!

Look for the possibilities and passion will follow,
xo

Get Back in the Swing of Things

Swing, Swing, The All-American Rejects

All Good Things Must End

Farewell Winter Break

Back to the Same Old Grind

Farewell Winter Break

After 3 weeks of relaxation, sleeping in, and having next to no responsibilities I find myself saying farewell to Winter break and prepping myself to return back to school. Although 3 weeks have gone by I still do not feel prepared to go back to the same old grind. I am still exhausted from the stressful push that was necessary to get through the end of the Fall semester. I have yet to fully recover from holiday celebrations- my mind feels fuzzy from alcohol and hangovers; my body still feels bloated from an abundance of food indulgences. And I feel as if I was cheated out of the last week of my break. The death of my friend took a toll on me both emotionally as well as physically. I am still distraught and have yet to come to terms with the tragic event. I will be returning to school without finding the closure that I was hoping for. Plus, to top it all off, I was hit with an unrelenting sickness two days ago that prevented me from organizing my things and my mind before needing to return to school. This last week of break proved to be anything but peaceful and I am not ready to admit that all good things must end and say farewell to Winter break. 

But, whether I like it or not, classes begin again tomorrow and I am expected to be there, ready to throw myself into all that is school- class, assignments, social life, studying. I am quite concerned as to whether or not I will be able to handle all that is demanded of me during this upcoming Spring semester. I find myself longing for break to last just a bit longer. I want a little more time to get myself ready to return to the same old grind. How am I supposed to be a dedicated and competent student when my mind isn't fully healed? The emotional scars from the death of my friend are still fresh. My body image is horrendous due to all of my indulgences over break and it is resulting in a swarm of eating disordered thoughts. Not to mention that my clothes are still strewn all over my house. I haven't bought a single book for my courses yet. Nor have I organized my notebooks and folders for this semester. All in all I am completely unprepared and ill-equipped. What am I supposed to do? I want to start this semester strong because it will set the tone for the remainder of the semester. But, I don't feel that I am in a position that will allow me to do so. I can't magically extend my Winter break so I need to figure out an alternative that will allow me to feel prepared and capable as the Spring semester begins. 

As usual I am going to turn to a trusty affirmation that will potentially help me as well as you prepare ourselves for going back to the same old grind- school, work, early mornings, managing schedules, completing assignments, dealing with stress, etc.

I have the will, strength, and desire to continue working toward my goals.

I chose this affirmation for a couple reasons. First, it covers three elements that I find necessary in order to complete tasks to the best of my ability: will, strength, desire. Together these elements work together to build a steadfast determination that enables us to follow through with endeavors. Our will or resolve helps us stick to the task that needs to be done. Our strength allows us to complete it to the best of our ability no matter what obstacles may attempt to intercede. Our desire or want motivates us to continue forward. Not only do we need to fulfill this task, we want to complete it; this want drives us to keep going no matter what. It inspires us to perform at our optimum level. 

Determination: will, strength, desire-

Resolve, strength, and want create a determination that guides us toward achieving any task that is set before us; it enables us to make our dreams a reality. This dream or goal is the second reason that I chose this affirmation this afternoon. This affirmation reminds me that I am not just working toward completing this Spring semester but, I am in fact, attempting to achieve a much a larger goal- completing my undergraduate degree. This semester is just one more step in the process of fulfilling my ultimate goal. Embodying this affirmation will help me to not only be successful in beginning this semester but also guide me in the direction of my overall goal. I must tap into the three important elements- will, strength, desire- that create a foundation for an insoluble determination; a determination that will carry me through the Spring semester and beyond. Let us keep this affirmation and our larger goals in mind as we come to terms with the fact that all good things must end and return to our usual routines. Winter break and vacation are over. We have enjoyed its pleasures- Christmas, sleeping in, friends, family gatherings, relaxation. It is time for us to return to the real world- back to the same old grind.

Back to the Same Old Grind

Some of us may feel ready to say farewell winter break. Some of us may even be excited about the opportunity to return to work or school and be productive again. But some of us, like me, may feel that break is ending a tad too soon. We may be feeling unsteady and unprepared as we anticipate returning to the same old grind. This affirmation is crucial for those of us who are not ready to say farewell winter break and return to our normal routines. We can use this affirmation to tap into the powerful qualities that reside within us. We can use it to imagine the larger picture or bigger goal, realizing the importance of our determination when embarking upon smaller tasks; these smaller tasks often lead us toward our final goal. This affirmation and my ultimate goal- graduating college- will be at the forefront of my mind tomorrow when I attend my first class of the Spring semester. I have the determination to start this semester with an unrivaled fortitude because I long to graduate from the University of Pennsylvania within the next year. I must complete this semester in order to achieve my greater goal. I may feel unprepared at the moment but I am hoping that both this affirmation as well as time will work together in helping me find and utilize an unyielding determination that I know I possess. Yes, vacation is over and all good things must end, but that does not mean that what is to come does not hold great things of its own. 2013 is upon us. Spring semester is upon us (if you are a college student.) January has begun and February is knocking on our door. One good thing has ended but, who can say what good things are awaiting us in the future?

Say farewell winter break and hello to today,

xo

Goodbye to You, Michelle Branch

A Kitten Left Behind

Separation Anxiety

In Desperate Need of Milly Kisses

Sometimes Milly helps me blog !

I have been on vacation with family in Florida for the last week or so. I agreed to the trip under the belief that my kitten, Milly, would be able to join us. However, as the trip drew closer I soon discovered that Milly would not be able to come. I felt extreme guilt and anger. The two of us have not been apart since the day I adopted her 3 months ago. Having never owned a pet before I didn't understand why people got so upset and anxious when they were forced to leave their pets. Now that I am a "Mommy" I completely understand.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."

- Anatole France

I can say that France's words  apply to me. Milly has awakened a part of my heart that I didn't even know existed. I didn't know I could love with such fervor. I always knew that I had a strong protective instinct but it has grown immensely since I adopted my kitten. Milly has provoked me to put her needs above my own- refill her food bowl when all I want to do is lay in bed, play with her when I simply want to sit and think, empty her litter box when I don't feel like leaving the apartment. Milly depends on me for everything- food, water, affection. She follows me everywhere I go. After I have been out for a bit she comes running to the door as soon as she hears my voice. She rolls on her back and waits for me to rub her belly and nuzzle with her. And in return I rely on her for company, soothing, and love. She sits on my belly while I sleep. She snuggles in the crook of my arm. She displays her affection with loving licks, which I fondly refer to as kisses. 

A Kitten Left Behind

I felt awful leaving her; she couldn't understand that it would only be for a short time, that I would be coming back. And I anticipated, with certainty, that I would experience separation anxiety while we were apart. Milly has been my number one motivator over the course of the past few months. She has brought warmth and happiness into my life. I was concerned about how I would be able to find calm and feel love without her constant presence. Our first few days in Florida were ok and I didn't think too much about my kitten left behind. There was ample distraction for me as my family and I walked the streets of South Beach. The upcoming New Year provided me with an event to think about and look forward to. Milly was still in my heart but she was not constantly on my mind. However, as soon as we got to Sarasota everything changed. 

The day we arrived was the same day I found out about the death of my friend. (Discussed in yesterday's entry, Life is Precious.) I was beyond distraught, and although I was surrounded by my family, they were unable to provide me with the love and sympathy that I needed. My grief and pain were not describable and could not be mended with words of compassion. My inaudible emotions could only be healed by a love and comfort that can't be spoken. I needed my kitten and I still do. She has a way of making me feel whole. Her purring soothes me and tells me that everything will be ok somehow. I can't describe the magnificent impact that she is able to have on me. But I can sense that I am in desperate need of Milly kisses right now. Perhaps it is this unspoken and non-human love that will be able to pull me out of the depths of misery and sorrow that I am currently experiencing.

"Love cures people- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."

- Karl Menninger

I know Menninger's quote to be true. When I am in relationships with others- friends, family, Milly- that involve love I feel an infinite sense of peace and healing. But, right now, as I grapple with an abundance of difficult emotions, the only love I long for is that of my kitten, Milly. The sadness over the loss of my friend is being amplified by my separation anxiety. There are no words to comfort me. Most humans don't want to sit down and talk about difficult or depressing issues. I know Milly would listen to me regardless of the topic; her willingness to listen to my sadness brings me comfort even if she does not understand what I am saying. It doesn't matter that she can't comprehend my words because she can sense my emotions and she can respond accordingly. She wipes away my tears with Milly kisses. She warms my heart by protectively snuggling on my tummy while I sleep. She soothes my nerves by purring with pleasure. She exudes love, peace, and positivity; these are all elements I need at the moment. 

Love is medecine !

I need my Milly to offer the love that "cures people" because my human relationships are unable to provide me with this at the moment. We all experience separation anxiety at some point in our lives. Sometimes it is over a pet, sometimes a friend, sometimes a loved one. The nice things about separation anxiety is that it is usually easily cured; it will dissipate once you are reunited with the person or animal who you have been apart from. But sometimes separation anxiety is permanent. 
There are those occasions when you will never be reunited with the one you are yearning for. This permanency can be for a number of reasons- death, moving, a relationship deteriorating- and in these cases we need to figure out how to cope. Maybe it involves becoming more active and trying to distract yourself. Perhaps you need to reach out in order to build new relationships; they will never replace the old ones but they can help to fill the void. And you can always do what I did- adopt a pet. You will be doing an invaluable service to both you as well as the animal that you save. Thankfully the separation anxiety I am feeling regarding Milly is not permanent. We will be reunited tomorrow and I will be able to snuggle with her for hours on end. She will purr and love me and hopefully provide me with the comfort that I need in order to get through this rough time. Sometimes human contact isn't able to provide us with the compassion required to overcome hardships and cope with grief. Sometimes the simple love of an animal is the perfect antidote for pain.

"Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet."

- Colette

Wishing you a calm and happy day,
xo

"[Milly] rolls on her back and waits for me to rub her belly..."

I promised Milly I'd be back; the separation anxiety will cease-

Life is Precious

The Silver Lining of Loss

What Does Tragedy Offer Us?

In Loving Memory of My Friend, Kyla 

(September 18, 1993-December 30, 2012)

Before I begin I would like to warn you that this entry may seem a bit confusing, nonsensical, or disorganized at times. It has taken me two days to write it because I have been and still am in a very distraught state. But I wanted to write it because I felt it was very important- both as a therepeutic practice for myself and as a means of communicating the message with you. I ask that you please bear with me while reading. Thank you.

Tragedy often strikes unexpectedly and inexplicably over the course of our lives. I have talked about my own personal struggles in a number of my entries and discussed at length my experiences with loss in my post, Haunting Memories.

Tragedy and mourning-

Unfortunately tragedy has entered my life once again. While I was celebrating the New Year with my family in South Beach, Miami- drinking champagne, watching fireworks on the beach, enjoying warm weather, toasting to our wonderful lives together- a friend was experiencing the New Year in a very different way. New Year's day I learned that one of my friends from eating disorder treatment had died at the age of 19. 

Not all New Years are celebratory-

This is the third friend that I have lost because of their eating disorder over the course of a year. None of my friends were older than 25 when they died. All had received extensive and intensive levels of treatment for their disorders. I don't understand why this continues to happen; and this last death has left me in a state of shock once again. It seems that no matter how many times you learn bad news- a family member has been diagnosed with cancer, your spouse has lost their job, a friend has died- you are never prepared to face it. Last I heard my friend was happy and doing well. She had gone to a treatment facility in Florida that hugely benefited her. She was living and working in Egypt with her parents. She appeared to be moving forward with her life. Little did I know that what seemed to be was not reality. She was suffering and in pain; none of us were there to support her or offer words of love and kindness.

As always, when friends die from their eating disorders, I feel immense guilt. I question why I have been blessed with the opportunity to continue living while my friends are taken by G-d. The only thought the comforts me is that they have found peace in heaven that they were unable to find on earth. If this notion is true than perhaps I can accept it as one of the silver linings of loss. But, I can't be sure that they are comfortably resting in the cloudy heavens among G-d and the angels. I don't know for certain that death provided them with the peace or safety that they were longing for. I pray that they have found peace and comfort as they lay their heads down for their final and ultimate rest. But what are those that they have left behind supposed to do? How are we supposed to manage our feelings- anger, guilt, sadness, misery- in the wake of their deaths? How can we make sense of these unexplainable losses? What does tragedy offer us? In the light of us this last traumatic loss I have been able to identify some silver linings. 

The Silver Lining of Loss

Collectively they don't even come close to taking away the sting or pain of the loss. But, it helps me to know that some good can be found even in the most devastating of situations. The death of my friend has provoked an unbelievable rekindling of relationships among those of us who knew her. I have been incessantly talking to people who I haven't had much contact with in quite awhile. Although we haven't all been together for over a year it is clear that our friendships are still very much alive. I hate that it took a tragedy in order for us to recognize this. But, perhaps the death of our friend was the only thing that could inspire our bonds to be bolstered and noticed again. We have been able to come together, offer love and support, and act as a cohesive unit in the wake of this tragedy. My friend's death has reminded me that I am not alone; none of us are alone even when we feel as if we are. I have friends all over the world and it makes it difficult to stay in touch with all of them. Our distance makes it easy to forget that I have friends out there who love and care about me.

"...friends all over the world..."

In the wake of this tragedy I have been shown that these friends, who I too easily forget, still exist. They still love me, support me, and want to be apart of my life. This tragedy has offered me the opportunity to reconnect with dear friends. It has allowed me to remember and realize that there are people in this world who understand what I am going through; they will love and help me no matter what. And this silver lining of this loss is that are network of friends has been brought together and strengthened; we are all in this together- coping with tragedies, managing our eating disorders, living life, finding happiness. We have been in this together since the day we met and we always will be. It seems to me that all tragedies and losses- deaths, fatal diagnosis, national crisis, wars, terrorist attacks- have a silver lining; in spite of the sadness and misery we are somehow able to see that life is precious. 

September 11, 2001, tragedies happen every day-

Loss changes us, allowing us to see life and the world with a different perspective. Everything- birds chirping, sun shining, friends hugging, children laughing- can be seen as valuable and beautiful. Every moment in life can be seen as a gift. (Especially when death is so unpredictable.) My perspective was permanently altered the day I found out that one of my friends had committed suicide. This new perspective has been strengthened with the passing of each of my friends. I can't look at life they way I once did. I no longer hold onto petty fights with friends. I don't give as much worth to material possessions. I can't enjoy myself by discussing trivial matters- boys, pregaming plans, fraternity parties. I find myself struggling to have fun in situations that I once found pleasurable. Things that once were so important to me now seem trite or insignificant. My priorities and preferences have changed completely. I'd rather spend my nights drinking casually with friends or talking over a nice dinner. 

New Years with my Mom; we are exceptionally close.

I treasure the closeness of my family and every instant we get to spend together. I value the significance of meaningful friendships; I hold on to friends who understand me and love me unconditionally. I am thankful for the strength that G-d has blessed me with. I am appreciative of all the love and kindness that fills my life. I long for happiness in whatever form it may come and nothing more. Tragedy has offered me a new perspective and the ability to see that life is precious, a beautiful gift to be experienced and enjoyed.

"I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains."

- Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

"...beauty in the tiny or simple things..."

When faced with a tragedy or loss we can easily become engulfed in negative feelings- misery, sadness, depression, guilt, pain, confusion, anger. We are so trapped in these emotions that we are unable to see beyond the haze. But, as Frank says, we can choose to think of the beauty that still exists rather than focus on the misery that we are experiencing. We cannot forget the misfortune that has happened; but we can accept the blessing that tragedy offers, the silver lining. We can allow the tragedy to alter our perspective so that we are able to see life as precious. Experiencing a tragic event brings an infinite amount of negative emotions. Tragedies provoke grief and pain that cannot adequately be described. But, by experiencing these emotions we are given the ability to appreciate the our lives and the world we live in all the more. The silver lining of loss is that it allows us to realize how valuable everything life gives us- the small things and the large- truly are. We can see the world in a new light. We can live each day with stronger enthusiasm and appreciation. We are able to see the beauty in tiny or simple things- sun reflecting on a still pond, buttercups, sparkling rhinestones, stained glass windows- that other people may ignore or deem insignificant. Experiencing loss ironically enables us to experience life more fully. When I think about the losses that I have endured over the past year I am immediately filled with a sense of sadness and grief. I am still mourning the deaths of my three friends. But I try to live by Anne Frank's words; I focus on the beauty of the world and the preciousness of life instead of the pain that accompanies these tragedies. 

"...buttercups, sparkling rhinestones..."

Finding and embracing the silver linings of loss is not an easy thing to do, especially when you are still in the thick of the tragedy; but, it is possible. It takes work. It takes perseverance and endurance. But, more than anything, it takes a want. We can look at the world and recognize that it is often an unfair, frightening, and shitty. But, we must also be able to see that beauty and love somehow simultaneously exist within it. Life is imperfect. We are bound to face challenges. It is certain that tragedy and loss will enter our lives. These hardships typically cannot be explained or understood. Maybe they are not meant to be; perhaps it is just G-d's way. Because we may never understand horrific events- fatal diagnosis, natural disasters, deaths- we must find a different way to cope. I am offering you a way right now.

Ask yourself "What does this tragedy have to offer?" "What can I learn from this upsetting experience?" "What is the silver lining?" The silver lining may not be apparent at first. It may take some time for you to uncover it. But, it is there. G-d does not act maliciously; although it sometimes seems that his doings are unfair or unwarranted. There is a reason for every tragedy, a purpose behind every loss. We, the ones still alive, the ones left behind, are forced to bear the burden of figuring out what the silver lining is. 

I pray that we can listen to the words that the young Anne Frank wrote years ago. Let us embrace them and allow them to offer us knowledge and insight. Tragedies occur every day and we are unable to prevent them from occurring. But we cannot dwell in the sadness and misery if we hope to move on and continue living. Instead let us remember the loss while allowing it to enhance our ability to see the beauty the exists all around us. We can mourn, we can cry, we can feel pain, anger, and grief; it would be unnatural not to go through these   steps. But, we cannot allow the losses we experience debilitate us. We can't stop moving forward. We can't stop living. Life is precious; let the tragedies that you encounter magnify this notion.

Good luck in facing any tragedies that may come your way,
xo

The Theatrical Mask of Tragedy

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, Michael Ball, from the Musical, Les Miserables