Act Like a Grown Up

Relationships Require Work

Handling Issues in a Mature Manner

Act Like a Grown Up

As I have said in earlier posts such as, Release Your Inner-Child and Child-Like Enthusiasm, I am most definitely an advocate of catering to the needs of your inner-child and behaving in a childish manner for the sake of fun. However, sometimes situations demand us to act like grown ups and behave in a mature manner. This past week has shown me that I can't always rely on the adult within me to handle issues appropriately, specifically with respect to a number of relationships in my life. For me, building connections has always been the easy part of relationships. It is the sustaining aspect that proves to be quite difficult. No matter the type of relationship- boyfriend, sibling, best friend, therapist- issues will always arise. Sometimes these issues are as mild as a simple disagreement or a miscommunication. However, often these problems come in the form of dramatic, blow out arguments. These complex and often personal issues test us as well as the relationship itself. 

Good relationships demand a level of maturity-

Are we willing to put forth the great amount of work required to mend the relationship? Are we able to handle issues in a mature manner in order to move forward with the relationship? Can we act like a grown up and face the problem head on or is it easier to just give up on the relationship and walk away?

"It isn't sufficient just to want- you've got to ask yourself what are you going to do to get the things you want."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

I think that Roosevelt's words are perfect in answering the series of questions that I posed.

Friendships Require Work

Our willingness to work for relationships and resolve issues in a mature manner is truly dependent upon what we want. Our decision of whether or not to act like a grown up when grappling with the task of sustaining a relationship is directly connected to the amount that we value it. We deem some relationships less significant or important than others and often come to the conclusion that they are not worth the amount of work required in order to maintain them. In these cases we may let a small disagreement break apart the relationship because we just don't "want" it enough. We don't care to work in order to continue the friendship nor do we desire to display the effort that is needed when handling issues in a mature

manner. Instead, we choose to let the friendship go, and we move forward with our lives, feeling relatively unscathed. While we may have many relationships that we are not too afraid of losing, we also having a number of relationships that we ascribe value. These important relationships can come in the form of a best friend, a spouse, a sister, an aunt, etc. The relationship title is not what matters in this scenario. What is significant is the amount of care that we have for the relationship and the other person involved. These connections are what we "want" and wish to maintain and protect. But as Roosevelt says, it is not enough to simply want; we need to come up with a plan in order to achieve or obtain what it is that we desire. I feel that this quote can be applied to the want we feel with respect to sustaining our valuable personal relationships.

This past week it was necessary for me to figure out what it was that I needed to do in order to protect two separate relationships, both of which I regard as important to both me as well as my life. My life circumstances have changed the way I think about friendship, and has forced me to reconstruct my view of best friends or close friends. I have about five, maybe six, friends who I refer to as my best friends. They range in age from 17-40 and they live all over North America, from Montreal to Los Angeles to New Jersey. I don't get to see most of them a lot of the time. We can go over a year without seeing one another, but, that doesn't change the fact that we are good friends. Time and distance does not matter when you truly connect to and love a person. Time and distance may not threaten our friendships but other factors can. Last weekend my best friend from New York was supposed to visit me in Philadelphia. We hadn't seen each other in 8 months and I could not wait for her to arrive. I prepared everything with pain staking attention- cleaning my apartment, stocking my refrigerator with wine and diet soda, stashing a bottle of Grey Goose in the freezer, and carefully

"I prepared everything..."

wrapping a number of little gifts for her to open upon her arrival. However her arrival date continued to get postponed for a variety of reasons, none of which were my fault. The final straw came when she chose to stay in the city and party instead of boarding the bus to come and visit me. I was absolutely heart broken and angry. Maybe it would have been easier or even wiser for me to simply say forget it and toss the friendship away. But, I couldn't do that. Throwing away the relationship would not have been the mature way to handle the issue. Not to mention that I didn't want to lose the friendship, because despite the disappointment and anger that I felt, I still loved and cared about her. This is one of those special and valuable relationships. This is a friendship that I want. So, after collecting myself and gathering my thoughts, I needed to decide what I had to do in order to sustain the friendship i.e. "get what I want." My friend did ultimately arrive that following Monday, and although I was beyond ecstatic to see her, I knew that I needed to act like a grown up and address what had transpired in a mature manner. 

Time to handle the issue in a mature manner-

It wasn't an easy or fun conversation for either one of us. It would have been nice to be able to set it aside and just forget, avoiding any potential discomfort or tension that could result from the discussion. But real relationships require work, even though it is not enjoyable, in order to sustain and substantiate them. Although the conversation was not pleasant, it was necessary to have so that we could move forward and feel as if we were both understood. Needless to say, after our discussion we ended up having a wildly fabulous time together, as we always do. The work that we put into the friendship has strengthened it and will hopefully prevent similar issues from arising in the future.

"...I ended up having a blow out fight..."

Later that week I ended up having a blow out fight with a second of my dear friends. (This was a very odd week for me considering I rarely find myself in altercations with my friends.) Our outrageous and alcohol fueled argument resulted in hurtful words on both our halves and I ended up kicking my friend out of my apartment in the middle of the night. All in all it was a tumultuous evening and I found myself wondering if the situation could ever be truly remedied. We were both angry, hurt, frustrated, vulnerable, and sad. I was truly irritated and outraged because I had felt that my apartment, my safe space, my home, had been violated or tainted. My usually calm and peaceful space had been filled with negative and harmful energy. Even my own demeanor and behavior were unrecognizable to me. How could I forgive this person who hurt me and damaged my sense of safety in such a significant way? I awoke the next morning to a series of texts from my friend and I decided that I owed it to both of us to act like a grown up and at least try to work through the problems that we had been encountering. I spend a great deal of time with this friend and we have become exceptionally close in a very short period of time. She stays at my apartment nearly five days a week and I have become accustomed to talking, relaxing, eating, and going out with her. We have a deep level of trust and understanding. It would not have been fair to either one of us for me to simply write her off after this crazy fight. We both still wanted the friendship, but we needed to figure out "what [we] [were] going to do" in order to sustain

"What are [we] going to do?"

it. It was evident that we were both very willing to do the work that is required in order to maintain relationships. The concern was: could we manage to handle the issue in a mature manner and calmly and honestly discuss the problems at hand? We chose to meet for coffee (a very grown up behavior if I do say so myself) in order to talk about the argument, what prompted it, what we need to do moving forward in order to prevent future blow outs, and offer each other apologies. After our conversation I had no concerns regarding the status of our close friendship. We may hit more bumps along the way, but I am confident that we will be able to handle any issues maturely, and that we will continue to be good friends for the remainder of our lives. (As we always say, we will be adults together, sitting by the pool, drinking margaritas, and watching our kids play.)

A lot goes into our decision when we deem a relationship significant and/or valuable. Many elements relate to the other person such as, loyalty, kindness, honesty, generosity, fun, etc. Some aspects have more to do with the way the other person makes us feel. For example my friend from New York makes me feel that I am worth being loved. She helps me see that not only can I have fun but that I can be fun. But a lot of the factors that build the foundation of an important personal relationship are not about the individuals separately, but rather the individuals together, the relationship itself. For example my relationship with the second friend that I mentioned is open and honest, completely mutual, and fair. 

When we ascribe value to a relationship we are making a choice that this connection is something that we want. Like anything else in life that we want, maintaining meaningful relationships requires work, and demands that we plot a course in order to achieve our desired ends. When it comes to sustaining friendships the course is never easy nor is it ever the same. Each friend that we have is unique and subsequently the steps required for holding on to each friendship will be unique as well. However, I believe that there is a general rule to applied when working to maintain, protect, and salvage relationships: Act like a grown up. So you are probably wondering what exactly I mean by this? The following is a list of what I believe to be a few (but definitely not all) of the necessary actions involved when striving to behave as a mature adult in a relationship.

Sometimes you don't have a choice-

• Be honest about your feelings. A true friend will listen and try to understand your point of view. Holding back will only lead to hurt feelings and unintentional damage.

• Listen to the other person. When I say listen I mean really listen. Don't just sit there while the other person is talking while your brain zooms off into outer space. Good friends give the other person in the friendship the opportunity to use their voice and share. A great friend actually listens to their words and responds thoughtfully and appropriately.

• Give and receive. Relationships must be mutual in order for them to be successful. One-sided relationships usually lead to the giver feeling resentful and occasionally leaves the receiver feeling either guilty or overwhelmed. All relationships involve a give and take. If you find yourself constantly giving (as I often do) then maybe it is time to lay off for a bit and give your friend the opportunity to be the giver.

• Fight fair. This is a concept that my Mother always tried to force upon during my childhood. So what exactly is fighting fairly? Well I think my Mother was trying to tell me that when we are engaged in an argument or disagreement we should not rely on nasty statements or cruel jabs in order to bring the other person down. Calling someone fat or a bitch may make you feel good in the moment, because you have successfully hurt the other person, but you will probably regret name calling of this sort later on. Additionally fighting fairly allows you to get down to the real problems at hand. It is constructive because it moves the relationship in a forward direction. You may be fighting but you are not wasting breath on words that hold no real value. Instead you can argue about what is actually bothering you, rather fighting over/in gibberish.

• Face issues as they come. I think that this may be the most importantly guideline when it comes to friendships. Too many relationships dissolve because of grudges or because those involved chose to stew instead of addressing a problem in the moment. If we fail to face problems at the moment that they arise they tend to get thrown into a large pile of already existing issues. At some point the pile will get too large and everything will spill out. A bunch of little things suddenly become one massive thing and can result in the demise of a relationship. Don't let little things slide all the time. If something is bothering you than let your friend know in the moment. Doing so will prevent an emotional explosion later on down the road and could possibly save your friendship.

Can't help but indulge my inner-child !

Ok, so I have spent this entry advising you to act like a grown up and to be mature. I may sound like a complete hypocrite because I so frequently condone indulging your inner-child and even urge you to not take life so seriously, as I did in my recent post, Have Time for a Quicky? For fear of confusion and/or seeming inconsistent, I do want to assert that I believe a great deal of things and situations in our lives can be approached in a light-hearted way. I will still laugh at occurrences that others don't find funny. I will continue to poke fun at situations when others seem to be behaving overly staunch. And I will always buy Hello Kitty stickers when I see them in order to appease my inner-child. But I know that certain situations in my life require a level of maturity. When it comes to friendship, I take it very seriously. My friends are my family and my passion. They nourish my mind and my soul. My closest friends are the recipients of my strongest degree of love. For these reasons I have forced myself to weigh the pros and cons of choosing to act like a grown up. It seems to me that the only way to maintain a strong and true bond (despite time, age gaps, distance, socioeconomic status, etc.) with a good friend is to approach the relationship with a level of maturity. Yes, it is very hard for me to tell my inner-child to go away and let the adult in me reign supreme; but, I know that this is the only way that I will be able to sustain the friendships that I have created, and in my mind my dearest friends are worth that and so much more.

Hold your friends close (even when they are far away),
xo

You're My Best Friend, Queen

In Good Company

The Gift of a Strong Connection

Relationships: Build, Maintain, Appreciate

Three's Company, (1976-1984)

Over the past week or so I have become acutely aware of the different relationships in my life. We all have numerous people- friends, acquaintances, teachers, doctors, family members, co-workers- who we connect with on a daily basis. However we often neglect to notice these relationships, the effort it takes to sustain them, and their significance. Relationships require work in order to build and maintain them. Too often we forget to acknowledge the amount of effort that we have put in in order to form a connection with someone. Likewise we frequently neglect to take the time to sit back and appreciate the relationships that we have been able to create. It is time that we recognize that a strong connection is truly a gift and should not be taken for granted. I have been attempting to increase my consciousness regarding the variety of relationships that I have. 

"[My Mom and I] have a special relationship."

Last week I enjoyed a calm and delicious dinner at my apartment with my Mom. I sat back and savored the time that we were able to spend together. We have a special relationship; I am completely honest with her and can talk to her about nearly anything- my eating disorder, sex, trouble with friends, my fears. I know that our connection is strong and unique; not all daughters are able to confide in their mothers to the degree that I can. 

Yesterday I ran into a professor who's class I was in last fall. Over the course of the semester I worked diligently, participated in class discussions, regularly attended office hours, and earned high marks. I was able to build a connection with this professor because of my work ethic and level of dedication. This connection served me well later on in the semester when I needed to take a medical leave of absence. My professor was sympathetic, gave me a hug (although it was against University policy), and expressed both care and concern for me and my well-being. I was thankful for the relationship that I had been able to build with her because she provided me with exactly what I needed- kindness, comfort, and support- during a time of weakness and pain. 

"Yesterday I ran into a professor..."

Over the past year I have not done a great job at maintaining the relationship that we had. But, when I saw her yesterday, we interacted as if no time had passed. She expressed the same interest, concern, and care for me that she had displayed over a year ago. We both asserted that we will be sure to be in contact in the near future in order to catch up and I am certain that I will stay true to my word in order to maintain our strong connection. I had already appreciated the way she helped me when I was struggling and needed to leave school; but, after our run-in yesterday I gained an even greater appreciation for our relationship. It is rewarding for me to know that my professor genuinely respects and cares about me because of the way I presented myself as a student in her classroom. 

Building relationships and connections-

Today I had the pleasure of engaging with a potential new friend. A girl in one of my classes recognized me from other classes that we have had together. We began talking after class and it seemed as if we had an instant connection. The conversation flowed effortlessly and before we separated we exchanged numbers. Right now we are merely acquaintances but I can foresee that we could easily become friends if I work toward building a relationship with her. So why is it that I am providing you with a series of accounts regarding my personal interactions? Well, I guess I am trying to show you that relationships and strong connections can come in a variety of forms. We can't rule someone out because they don't appear to be the type of person we usually relate to. (One of my best friends is nearly 40 years old and is a college professor with her doctorates. Another of my best friends is only 17 years old and lives in Canada.) If we are open to the possibility of forming a relationship than our opportunities to do so are endless. 

"We all have numerous people who we connect with on a daily basis."

"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied."

- Antoine de Saint

I chose this quote because it expresses how fundamental relationships are to our essence, our well-being, and our lives. We cannot exist alone, isolated from the world. We learn about ourselves by interacting with other people. We are able to recognize our likes and dislikes. Relations introduce new things- foods, books, ideas- to us. And these people can remind us of things about ourselves that we may have forgotten.

Recently I have been spending a huge amount of time with a new friend. We both instantaneously felt a strong connection and I view her presence in my life as a gift and I strongly believe that this feeling is mutual. In our case building the friendship was quick work and maintaining it has been just as easy. Now we have reached the glorious period in relationships when you are able to relax and appreciate. I am so thankful to have her as a friend because when I am with her I always feel that I am in good company. 

Our Pinot of choice-

We can talk for hours about all topics- school, eating disorder shit, boys, family, worries, future plans. We both share a strong liking for Pinot Grigio and Parliament Light cigarettes (the 100s). And our connection is strong because we can relate on so many different levels. We trust each other and are able to have serious and honest conversations when we need to. We can go out together drinking, partying, and causing a ruckus. But we are also able to enjoy low key nights, sitting in my apartment, sharing a bottle of wine, chain smoking cigarettes, and talking for hours on end. 

"...chain smoking cigarettes..."

I think about the time that we have spent together so far and I am so appreciative of every single moment- each laughing fit, every conversation, each secret divulged, and every commonality discovered. She has been staying with me quite often recently and it is nice to have some company after living alone for the past few months. It is a comfort to know that I have someone to debrief with at the end of the day; but, more importantly, it is a blessing to be certain that I will be going to sleep happy and smiling every night.

"Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings."

- Miles Franklin

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all need people, connections, relationships. I suppose we could exist without them but it seems to me that doing so would result in a very miserable and depressing life. Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time, but there comes a point in all of our lives when we need and/or want someone who we can talk to, share experiences with, care about, and love. Sometimes thinking about relationships can be exhausting. Whether it's a friendship, a familial relationship, or an intimate relationship there is no doubt that all relationships take a degree of effort. First, you need to find a person that you relate to on some basic level. Once you have determined that you are interested in forming a relationship with this person you need to put in the work in order to build the foundation and structure of it. And even after a solid bond has been formed you must continue to work in order to maintain the relationship. But once all the dirty work is done, and you've created a strong connection, you are able to discover that your efforts were not futile or exerted for naught. Honestly, nothing can compare to a true friend, a close relationship, or a strong connection; they are gifts that should be treasure and appreciated. Relationships are dynamic, miraculous entities that can supply us with an infinite number of gifts- self-worth, sense of calm, fun, self-acceptance, sense of safety, knowledge, feelings of belonging and/or acceptance, happiness. It can be difficult at first when attempting to create new relationships; but when you are sitting among friends, in good company, you come to realize that it is well worth the effort. 

"Most of us don't need a psychiatric therapist as much a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

Relationships are gifts from G-d that sustain, fulfill, and enrich us and our lives. No matter the type of relationship- friendship, spouse, sibling- take the time and effort to build, maintain, and appreciate it because nothing is more valuable than a person who you can share your life with.

Take a moment and reach out in order to connect,

xo

"But when you are sitting among friends...you come to realize that is was well worth the effort."

You've Got a Friend in Me, Randy Newman in Disney's animated film, Toy Story (1995)

  

Perfection Does Not Exist

We All Have Our Shit

Perception is Not Reality

Perfection is as real as unicorns-

From the outside my life seems ideal, nearly perfect. I was lucky enough to be born into a wealthy family that could provide me with any material possession I could possibly want. I am earning straight A's at an Ivy League University. I have a large pool of friends and a decent social life on campus. When I walk out my door I look put together; there is not a hair out of place metaphorically speaking. I live in my own cozy apartment that is decorated flawlessly, reflecting my style and personality. I have an adorable kitten who snuggles up with me. I have long brown hair. I am thin, enabling me to wear almost anything out there. I am for all intensive purposes attractive. It appears that I have it all together and that my movements are effortless. Everything seems to be perfect; but, in fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. 

Would you guess that I often feel this way?

I am chronically ill with anorexia nervosa. My mind is overwhelmed, attempting to balance school, eating disordered thoughts, depression, and my OCD/perfectionist tendencies. Everything I do- each accomplishment, completing assignments, eating, socializing, cleaning my apartment, waking up each day- requires a painful degree of mental and physical effort. It is nearly impossible for me to be present and have fun when my mind is always preoccupied. 

Bones as cold as ice-

Just walking across campus leaves me out of breath and exhausted. When it's cold, like today, my bones feel as if they are made of ice. I am constantly sick because my immune system is weak from malnutrition. My hair line is receding and my arms are covered with abnormally thick hair, called lanugo, that my body has created as a means of additional warmth. It is difficult to fulfill obligations while also maintaining my health and my sanity. I live my life on a prayer, hoping that I can stay well enough to graduate from college (finally) and begin to create a life for myself post graduation. But I am filled with doubt and uncertainty. I have been maintaining my minimally acceptable weight for quite awhile now, but I know that my situation is precarious. One bad week of symptom use and/or anxiety and I am screwed- below an acceptable weight, unable to function, back in treatment. What is my point in sharing all of this information with you? I am not looking for sympathy nor do I want applause; I'm hoping to help you recognize that perception is not reality and that perfection does not exist because we all have our shit lying beneath the face that we put on for the world. Growing up I remember seeing other girls and imagining how wonderful their lives must be; they seemed perfect and I would have done anything to be one of them.

"Stop trying to 'fix' yourself; you're not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond belief."

- Steve Maraboli

I probably would have benefited from hearing Maraboli's advice back in the day. (But knowing myself I probably wouldn't have believed him or I would have adamantly refuted his statement.) Wishing that I could be these other people was a waste of time and energy for two main reasons. The first comes directly from the above quote. I did not need to 'fix' or change myself in order to create a life and persona that pleased me. It sounds very cliche but instead of wishing I should have been accepting; accepting my flaws and figuring out how to build a life for myself despite my imperfections. The second reason is knowledge that I needed to gain on my own. With time and experience I began to realize that this supposed perfection was a falsified image that I had created based on limited information. These people that I emulated were not perfect. They had shit too; I just wasn't privy to it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that one day I would be someone who was seemingly worth emulating. 

Is this worth envying?

I am flawed, my life is imperfect, my past and present are painful, my future is unknown. Who would ever want to be me or be like me? I was shocked to discover recently that others saw me in the same way that I saw those seemingly perfect girls during my youth. They looked at my accomplishments, my appearance, and my behaviors and came to an inaccurate deduction; they assumed that my life was more desirable than theirs. People envied and applauded my ability to be in school. They acclaimed me, saying that I was "bad ass." And people wished that they were as thin as I am. My reactions to these words were numerous and varying. At first I was angry; how could people not see how much pain I am in? How dare they disregard the degree of effort I have to put forth by assuming that my life is perfect or that I live with ease? After my anger and frustration came sadness and disappointment. I felt like a fraud or a fake. I go about my life at an anorexic weight and write this inspirational blog, earn good grades, go out with friends, and live a somewhat typical life. 

Stand up to the Pro-Ana movement 

I am concerned that I have been unintentionally sending the message that you can be anorexic and function, that anorexia can be a lifestyle choice. I feel like a fucking walking, breathing, living pro-ana campaign and it makes me sick to my stomach. The pro-ana movement counters my values, morals, and beliefs. I would never wish this disease upon anyone, so it is appauling to me that there are people out there who wish it upon themselves and/or help others attain it. How can I feel good about myself when I am unintentionally promoting and supporting a movement that defies everything I stand for? How can I be proud and satisfied with myself when  I am leading people to believe that you can live a fulfilling, productive, and happy life while also holding onto your eating disorder? The truth is that you can't. 

"I would never wish this disease upon anyone..."

I may appear to have it all- confidence, fulfillment, functionality, success, happiness, my anorexia- but in reality I am living a half life. Other's perception of me and my life is not reality. It may look as if I have everything figured out, that I am put together, and that my life is whole; but, in reality my anorexia is robbing me of my health and happiness every single day. You may not see this from the outside but I can feel it on the inside. I still have my shit and so do you; we all do. It may not be obvious to others. It may not materialize physically- weight loss, self-harm, obesity, extreme plastic surgery- but it is still there. Just because your problems aren't visibly apparent does not make them any less real or significant than those that can be seen by the naked eye. Ultimately we all struggle because perfection does not exist. 

"Perfect? How can you define a word without concrete meaning?"

- Ellen Hopkins

Perhaps we say that perfection does not exist because there is always room for improvement, always the possibility of doing something better. Or maybe it is nonexistent because we all have different ideas of what perfect means.

What is perfection?

As Hopkins explains, one is unable to define a word that lacks concrete meaning. There is not unanimous agreement regarding the definition of perfect and its meaning changes depending on the situation. If you describe someone as your perfect mate you are asserting that the individual fulfills your wants, meets your expectations, and makes you feel complete. It doesn't mean they are flawless; it simply means that they are compatible with you. However, if you are referring to a perfect score on an exam the meaning changes. In this case perfect refers to an absence of errors. We can't claim that an individual has a perfect life when we can't agree what perfect means. What I deem perfect may be completely different then what you consider to be perfect. Perfection does not exist simply because its meaning is constantly changing depending on the person, timing, context, and situation. How can we aim to achieve something that lacks a definitive meaning? It seems to me that it is more logical to work toward improvement rather than striving for perfection.

I always need to add a bit of humor !

"Don't worry about getting perfect, just keep getting better."

- Frank Peretti

Yes, there is always room for improvement; but, can we do as Peretti suggests and work toward getting better without having perfection as our ultimate goal? What's the point of practicing and working if we will never achieve perfection? It comes down to realizing that there are other reasons behind wanting to improve yourself, your abilities, and your life. You may never be perfect, but you can always work toward being kinder, more committed, less argumentative, happier, etc. You might not perfect a specific task but you can continue to work toward improving your skills and abilities. I will never be perfectly fluent in French but that doesn't stop me from studying everyday and absorbing as much of the language as I possibly can. 

I know my life will never be perfect or fit my version perfect. (As I said before we all ascribe different meanings to the word "perfection.") But am I supposed to give up on bettering my situation and life simply because it will never be perfect? Since I can't achieve perfection should I resign myself to live in squalor? Absolutely not. My life may not be perfect but that is no excuse to simply give up. I can put forth my best efforts to make my life as fabulous as it can possibly be. I will continue to do things that bring me comfort- cuddling with Milly, journaling, snuggling in my bed. I will always strive to succeed and commit myself to do my absolute best in everything that I do- school, job, relationships, apartment upkeep. I am going to actively engage in fun- going out with friends, baking, shopping, travelling. And, I will continue to pursue happiness with fervent effort.

"I will continue to pursue happiness with fervent effort."

My life will never be perfect; but, that fact is not going to stop me from working to create a life worth living. We have only one chance to experience life and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity, filling my life with friends, family, success, peace, laughter, pleasure, and joy! It is time that we start accepting the fact that problems exist and the we all have our shit. We need to stop walking around, looking at other people, and envying the lives that they seem to have; our perception of them and their life is not reality. At the end of the day their lives probably aren't worth envying because no one lives a problem free life. Instead we should recognize that we have issues to deal with and be active in working toward resolving them. Dwelling on our problems, feeling sorry for ourselves, and wishing that they would miraculously disappear is a waste of valuable time and mental faculties. Life is made up of a multitude of elements- good and bad- including the existence of problems. We can't pick and choose what aspects of life we want and which ones we don't. We either engage in all of it or have none of it.

We All Have Our Shit

"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."

- Theodore Rubin

When we see people from afar and do not have access to inside information regarding their lives it is easy to imagine that everything about them and their life is perfect; we fail to comprehend that perception is not reality and we dream up the fact that some lives aren't burdened by problems. In doing so we set ourselves up to be disappointed with ourselves and our own lives. As Rubin says, the trouble is that we believe that life is possible sans problems; this false notion results in us thinking that having problems is an issue. Having shit feels wrong or as if it taints us in some way and consequently we judge ourselves because we are not perfect. 

It's time to realize that perception is not reality-

We compare ourselves to those who appear flawless, which results in further disappointment and self-loathing. All of this needs to stop right now. We can't afford to continue thinking that perfection exists. We are endangering our emotional and mental well-being by comparing ourselves to an impossible ideal. If we can understand that perception is not reality and believe that we all have our shit than we can finally put an end to the assumptions, comparisons, and judgments that bring us down. Once we recognize that perfection does not exist we can begin to make realistic expectations for ourselves and our lives. We can create fulfilling lives  by working toward and meeting these personal expectations. No, I am not perfect. My life is not perfect but I don't expect it to be because no one's life is. We will never achieve perfection but that does not mean we are unable to achieve happiness.

Appreciate every moment of your imperfect life,
xo

Learn more about anorexia nervosa- symptoms, warning signs, and risks- and help me and millions of others by spreading awareness about this life threatening illness. Thank you for reading my blog. You and your responses are constant sources of support and happiness for me.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper

Lets live life FUN !

Here We Go Again

Getting Back in the Swing of Things

Acclimating to Our Usual Environment and Routine

Here We Go Again

I am officially back on campus and it feels as if I have never left. I don't feel as if I had a break at all. It seems that it has taken me almost no time at all to acclimate to my usual environment and routine. The campus feels as comfortable and familiar as it did when I left it in December. The classroom environment has not changed. The faces of the professors and the material may be different but other then that it all seems very much the same. I am maneuvering from class to class like a pro (now that I have been on campus for almost 2 years.) I am writing down assignments, attempting to adjust my class schedule, texting friends, and balancing my Trenta coffee and a cigarette in my mouth all at once. I have reclaimed my identity as Rachel, the coffee drinking, cigarette smoking, always organized and dedicated Penn student. I can't believe less than 6 hours ago I was snuggle up in my bed at home in the suburbs. Although it seems that I have acclimated rather quickly I still don't fully feel that I am in back in the swing of things. I am adjusting to life on campus, following my routine, and attempting to live up to my standards as a college student; but doing so is taking a great deal of effort on my part. There is a hint of, what I call, that "Here We Go Again" attitude. I give off the appearance that I am taking it all in stride. But, deep down, I am still exhausted, still struggling with the death of my friend, still fighting off illness, and still trying to recuperate after a very eventful and not so relaxing break. 

This semester feels like stale bread-

I don't feel the excitement and enthusiasm that I would like to feel as I approach the dawn of this new semester. It feels stale, old, and monotonous. Its lacks the freshness, energy, and openness that I associate with new beginnings; instead it exudes an air of here we go again...My post from yesterday, All Good Things Must End, offered and affirmation and discussed a level of determination required in order to get back in the swing of things in the hopes of completing tasks and pursuing our goals. I have managed to muster up this determination. I am here on campus. I am going to classes, reaching out to friends, and organizing my life in order to create a strong foundation for the Spring semester. But my determination is not met with an equal level of passion. As I said yesterday, desire is crucial element in building an unyielding determination. My desire to finish my undergraduate remains present and continues to push me forward. But, I want more than just a desire to complete the semester and ultimately graduate. I wish I wanted to be here. 

I'm ready to complete my college experience-

I wish I wanted to be learning, socializing, and participating on campus. It seems that sometime during the last few weeks or so I have lost my enthusiasm for being a college student and perhaps for life itself. I find life to be exhausting and somewhat daunting. I am 23 and I am still attempting to complete my undergraduate degree- When is it going to end? When will I be finished? When will I be able to enter the real world and embark upon my "real life"? 

I'm sick of the game; I want "real life" !

Mentally and emotionally I am ready to graduate now; however, my academic record says otherwise. It seems that I am bound to be a college student for at least 2 more semesters and it is up to me to figure out how to eliminate my here we go again attitude and replace it with some excitement and enthusiasm. I need to open my mind and my heart in order to discover a way to make these next few semesters fun, enlightening, and beneficial. We only are given one undergraduate experience; although mine has been atypical and extended it is still up to me to make the most of it and savor the opportunity. I am going to introduce an affirmation for us to consider in the hopes that it will help us to infuse our lives with some passion and fun-

I am constantly energized by life's possibilities.

New courses, professors, and possibilities !

This affirmation just popped out to me this afternoon. By approaching this semester with a here we go again attitude I have forgotten that this new semester offers a host of possibilities. Although a great deal of things- campus, friends, classes, workload, routine- feel the same as always I have to admit that they are not identical to last semester. I have already brought bags full of new decor for my apartment in order to give it a mini face lift. Yes, my friends are the same, but there is always the chance to meet new people and build upon the friendships that I already have. My classes and professors are completely different from last semester. I have the opportunity to be excited by new material and discover interests in topics that I have yet to study. And I have the chance to make connections with these professors who do not yet know me as a person or a student. So although a lot is the same, a lot is different as well; these differences create possibilities that can both energize as well as excite me. Rather than looking at this semester as yet another semester as a college student I need to look at as new, and with newness comes potential. 

I want genuine enthusiasm-

I am already feeling inspired by this affirmation. It has allowed me to open my eyes and see what makes this semester unlike previous semesters. It has enabled me to realize opportunities for creating and strengthening relationships. It has helped me recognize that there is still a great deal of information out there for me to learn, grasp, and absorb. New classes open doors for new interests and passions. Perhaps my Communications class will introduce a concept I have yet to encounter. My more advanced French course will certainly strengthen my aptitude for speaking and understanding the language. And my schedule is not yet finalized; I may end up in a class that is completely unlike anything I have ever taken before. 

Getting back in the swing of things implies a certain energy (the verb "swing" seems to express a level of enthusiasm or an energetic vibe.) I don't simply want to become acclimated to my environment and routine; I want to metaphorically swing along. I want to bop from class to class, task to task, and friend to friend with a level of unbounded energy and happiness. I want to be passionate about returning to my usual environment and routine. Let us abandon our here we go again attitudes; efface it from your mind and memory. We may returning to our usual environments and routines but that doesn't mean they are the same as when we left them. Instead of looking at our return to the usual as typical and predictable, let us look at the possibilities that come with starting again. It doesn't matter what you are returning to- work, campus, home, school, office- every domain possess a level of novelty and potential. Sometimes we spend so much time focusing on the elements that are the same that we fail to recognize aspects that are different and open the door to possibility. Maybe there is a new employee at your office who you could begin a friendship with. Perhaps you are getting a new roommate at school. You could organize your folders and assignments in a new way in order to incorporate variation into your life. You could add something new to your routine- plan to meet a friend for lunch every Wednesday, start following a new television show, begin journaling, write your own blog! If a new possibility isn't handed to you upon your return take it upon yourself to create one. Just thinking about new possibilities and the potential that this fresh beginning holds can help energize and excite you. Don't just acclimate to your usual environment and routine; get into the swing of things! 

Think about the potential and infinite opportunities that could await you as return to your everyday life. It may seem the same as it was before. It may look and feel identical to how you left it. But, it is not; it is different. Approach this return to school, work, or home with an openness; be willing to see changes and potential. If we allow ourselves to recognize the possibilities that exist within our lives than we are able to become energetic, enthused, passionate, and excited. Let us acclimate to our usual environments and routines while also noticing possibilities to invoke or embrace change. Lets throw a way our here we go again attitudes and add a swing to our steps!

Look for the possibilities and passion will follow,
xo

Get Back in the Swing of Things

Swing, Swing, The All-American Rejects