In Good Company

The Gift of a Strong Connection

Relationships: Build, Maintain, Appreciate

Three's Company, (1976-1984)

Over the past week or so I have become acutely aware of the different relationships in my life. We all have numerous people- friends, acquaintances, teachers, doctors, family members, co-workers- who we connect with on a daily basis. However we often neglect to notice these relationships, the effort it takes to sustain them, and their significance. Relationships require work in order to build and maintain them. Too often we forget to acknowledge the amount of effort that we have put in in order to form a connection with someone. Likewise we frequently neglect to take the time to sit back and appreciate the relationships that we have been able to create. It is time that we recognize that a strong connection is truly a gift and should not be taken for granted. I have been attempting to increase my consciousness regarding the variety of relationships that I have. 

"[My Mom and I] have a special relationship."

Last week I enjoyed a calm and delicious dinner at my apartment with my Mom. I sat back and savored the time that we were able to spend together. We have a special relationship; I am completely honest with her and can talk to her about nearly anything- my eating disorder, sex, trouble with friends, my fears. I know that our connection is strong and unique; not all daughters are able to confide in their mothers to the degree that I can. 

Yesterday I ran into a professor who's class I was in last fall. Over the course of the semester I worked diligently, participated in class discussions, regularly attended office hours, and earned high marks. I was able to build a connection with this professor because of my work ethic and level of dedication. This connection served me well later on in the semester when I needed to take a medical leave of absence. My professor was sympathetic, gave me a hug (although it was against University policy), and expressed both care and concern for me and my well-being. I was thankful for the relationship that I had been able to build with her because she provided me with exactly what I needed- kindness, comfort, and support- during a time of weakness and pain. 

"Yesterday I ran into a professor..."

Over the past year I have not done a great job at maintaining the relationship that we had. But, when I saw her yesterday, we interacted as if no time had passed. She expressed the same interest, concern, and care for me that she had displayed over a year ago. We both asserted that we will be sure to be in contact in the near future in order to catch up and I am certain that I will stay true to my word in order to maintain our strong connection. I had already appreciated the way she helped me when I was struggling and needed to leave school; but, after our run-in yesterday I gained an even greater appreciation for our relationship. It is rewarding for me to know that my professor genuinely respects and cares about me because of the way I presented myself as a student in her classroom. 

Building relationships and connections-

Today I had the pleasure of engaging with a potential new friend. A girl in one of my classes recognized me from other classes that we have had together. We began talking after class and it seemed as if we had an instant connection. The conversation flowed effortlessly and before we separated we exchanged numbers. Right now we are merely acquaintances but I can foresee that we could easily become friends if I work toward building a relationship with her. So why is it that I am providing you with a series of accounts regarding my personal interactions? Well, I guess I am trying to show you that relationships and strong connections can come in a variety of forms. We can't rule someone out because they don't appear to be the type of person we usually relate to. (One of my best friends is nearly 40 years old and is a college professor with her doctorates. Another of my best friends is only 17 years old and lives in Canada.) If we are open to the possibility of forming a relationship than our opportunities to do so are endless. 

"We all have numerous people who we connect with on a daily basis."

"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied."

- Antoine de Saint

I chose this quote because it expresses how fundamental relationships are to our essence, our well-being, and our lives. We cannot exist alone, isolated from the world. We learn about ourselves by interacting with other people. We are able to recognize our likes and dislikes. Relations introduce new things- foods, books, ideas- to us. And these people can remind us of things about ourselves that we may have forgotten.

Recently I have been spending a huge amount of time with a new friend. We both instantaneously felt a strong connection and I view her presence in my life as a gift and I strongly believe that this feeling is mutual. In our case building the friendship was quick work and maintaining it has been just as easy. Now we have reached the glorious period in relationships when you are able to relax and appreciate. I am so thankful to have her as a friend because when I am with her I always feel that I am in good company. 

Our Pinot of choice-

We can talk for hours about all topics- school, eating disorder shit, boys, family, worries, future plans. We both share a strong liking for Pinot Grigio and Parliament Light cigarettes (the 100s). And our connection is strong because we can relate on so many different levels. We trust each other and are able to have serious and honest conversations when we need to. We can go out together drinking, partying, and causing a ruckus. But we are also able to enjoy low key nights, sitting in my apartment, sharing a bottle of wine, chain smoking cigarettes, and talking for hours on end. 

"...chain smoking cigarettes..."

I think about the time that we have spent together so far and I am so appreciative of every single moment- each laughing fit, every conversation, each secret divulged, and every commonality discovered. She has been staying with me quite often recently and it is nice to have some company after living alone for the past few months. It is a comfort to know that I have someone to debrief with at the end of the day; but, more importantly, it is a blessing to be certain that I will be going to sleep happy and smiling every night.

"Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings."

- Miles Franklin

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all need people, connections, relationships. I suppose we could exist without them but it seems to me that doing so would result in a very miserable and depressing life. Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time, but there comes a point in all of our lives when we need and/or want someone who we can talk to, share experiences with, care about, and love. Sometimes thinking about relationships can be exhausting. Whether it's a friendship, a familial relationship, or an intimate relationship there is no doubt that all relationships take a degree of effort. First, you need to find a person that you relate to on some basic level. Once you have determined that you are interested in forming a relationship with this person you need to put in the work in order to build the foundation and structure of it. And even after a solid bond has been formed you must continue to work in order to maintain the relationship. But once all the dirty work is done, and you've created a strong connection, you are able to discover that your efforts were not futile or exerted for naught. Honestly, nothing can compare to a true friend, a close relationship, or a strong connection; they are gifts that should be treasure and appreciated. Relationships are dynamic, miraculous entities that can supply us with an infinite number of gifts- self-worth, sense of calm, fun, self-acceptance, sense of safety, knowledge, feelings of belonging and/or acceptance, happiness. It can be difficult at first when attempting to create new relationships; but when you are sitting among friends, in good company, you come to realize that it is well worth the effort. 

"Most of us don't need a psychiatric therapist as much a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

Relationships are gifts from G-d that sustain, fulfill, and enrich us and our lives. No matter the type of relationship- friendship, spouse, sibling- take the time and effort to build, maintain, and appreciate it because nothing is more valuable than a person who you can share your life with.

Take a moment and reach out in order to connect,

xo

"But when you are sitting among friends...you come to realize that is was well worth the effort."

You've Got a Friend in Me, Randy Newman in Disney's animated film, Toy Story (1995)

  

A Look Back

Christmas Past and Present

Building New Memories

For years now I gotten in the habit of reading old journal entries. It can be entertaining to look back and see what I was doing and think a month ago, a year ago, or even 10 years ago. (I have been an avid journaler for a long time.) However, recently, as I look back and read entries from this time last year, it has become less entertaining. Instead these entries are almost haunting and leave me confused and sad. I don't know why I continue to read them. It's almost addictive. Perhaps a part of me thinks that I am benefiting in someone way from reading them- learning about myself, realizing how different things are now, recognizing how much I have accomplished in the past year. Or maybe I think that the feelings these entries leave me with will magically change somehow as I continue to read. As I read I get lost in the pages. I get transported back to a place and time that is far away. I am ecstatic to be home for Christmas but reading these entries has been giving me a sense of disappointment. 

"Ghost of Christmas Past" in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol

Although I am in a very different setting and I have accomplished so much over the past years I feel as if I have remained the same. I have managed to stay out of treatment and I suppose that is an accomplishment. I have completed 6 more credits toward my undergraduate degree and have done well in all of my classes; that is certainly an accomplishment. But I feel that in terms of emotional and mental growth I have fallen short. Reading my journal entries from last year is forcing me to ask the question: Have I really come that far? My weight is stilled deemed an anorexic weight. My eating disordered thoughts are strong and constant. My restricting seems to be a bit more under control but I have certainly not achieved a level or normalcy around food. When I do indulge my anxiety is out of control just as it was when I was in treatment last year. Everyone is proud of me, congratulating me for the accomplishments and strides I have made over the past year, but I feel like a fraud. Yes, on paper it appears that I have accomplished a great deal. However, in my heart, I don't feel as if I deserve this praise and that I have not really succeeded much at all. I had high hopes for this Christmas. I have been waiting for it to arrive for two years now. I have built it up so much in my head. I was expecting it to be magical and amazing. But now that I home and the holiday draws close I can't help but feel let down. I don't have the same excitement and enthusiasm for the holiday that I had once upon a time. I was hoping that I could embrace this holiday with a carefree attitude, leaving negativity- my eating disordered thoughts, painful experiences, sadness, guilt, misery, and feelings of loss- in the past where it belongs. But I can't seem to let go of these haunting memories, they are hindering my ability to enjoy holiday festivities, and I fear that Christmas has been ruined for me forever. I suppose if I am already struggling emotionally than revisiting my past via journal entries probably isn't the best idea.

My journals aren't quite this old...

But somehow reading these entries is able to bring me a sense of comfort despite the negative feelings they evoke. For just a moment I am able to feel the comfort, support, safety, and love that treatment provided me with. It's so complicated and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. I don't want to be in treatment for the holiday but I don't want to be home either. I kind of just want to disappear until the holiday is over. I can't believe I just said that. This was once my favorite time of year. I have been counting down the days til it's arrival for a long time now. I hate to think that memories of Christmas past have the ability to taint or ruin my Christmas present. 

Feeling lonely and not sure why-

"Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for- I don't know what exactly, but it's something you don't mind so much not having at other times."

- Kate L. Bosher

Perhaps this quote accurately describes how I am feeling. Bosher, like me, seems unable to explain exactly what she's feeling or what seems to be missing. Christmas is a festive celebration but at the same time it manages to evoke feelings of sadness heartache for a lot of people. I have been trying to talk to my Mom about what I am experiencing. But like Bosher I am unable to adequately express it or put my feelings into words. She attempts to empathize with me. During Christmas time almost 40 years ago her older brother died unexpectedly. She says that Christmas has never been the same for her ever since. It reminds of her of the loss of her brother. She longs for the happy feelings and memories from her childhood Christmases- a snowmen her mother gave her when she was 6, a tin of candy ribbon, time with her older brother. Perhaps this unexplainable sadness or emptiness is something that comes with age. 

Candy Ribbon, a favorite from my mom's childhood-

As we grow older and experience more of life's pains it becomes increasingly difficult to put the sadness aside and make merry. While my mother and I share a sense of wanting and feelings sadness around the holiday we deal with them in very different ways. My mother is able to recognize her feelings and then continue on, trying to make new memories, and enjoying the Christmas present. I, on the other hand, find it impossible to embrace the present. Instead I long for the carefree merriment of my childhood Christmases. I feel intensive depression, mourning the loss of the angelic and naive child that I once was. I am in denial that she will never come back. I don't believe that I am in fact growing up and with growth comes change. I don't like these changes. This past year, including last Christmas, has been traumatic for me. It has changed my perspective, left me jaded and unable to welcome new memories and Christmas present. It almost feels easier to reside in the misery and loneliness that characterizes my most recent past Christmas. At least last Christmas I had obvious reasons to be unhappy and lonely; my emotions were negative but for understandable reasons. Last Christmas was simple and uncomplicated. Similarly my childhood Christmases were simple and uncomplicated. I was happy, excited, and energetic and understandably so. This present Christmas is complex and confusing. It lacks the simplicity and sensibility of my past Christmases.

"Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time."

- Laura Ingalls Wilder

I hope that I am able to embody Wilder's words as Christmas Eve approaches. My heart has definitely grown tender with childhood memories. But, rather than being filled with youthful spirit, my heart has become vulnerable. I am taunted by my childhood memories and they make my heart ache. They mock me by reminding me that I will never have my childhood again. They fill me with a sense of loss, sadness, and disappointment. I am frustrated with myself for having such high expectations for this holiday. How could I have expected Christmas present to be the same as Christmas past? 

So much has changed over the course of the past year. I transferred to Penn. I experienced the death of two friends. I went to a treatment center that I was unfamiliar with. The relationships I have with close friends have been strained and tested. My treatment team completely dissolved. I adopted a kitten. I have built new friendships and founds alternative ways to enjoy myself. My family has become closer in the face of challenges. In reality almost nothing is the same as it was in the past. How could I think that Christmas could remain unchanged? Although a lot of changes have occurred I cannot categorize them all as bad. Some of the shifts really sucked- deaths, loss of friendships, treatment. But some of the changes were just different and even good- adopting Milly, the new found closeness of my family. Perhaps, although Christmas present won't be the same as those in the past, it too can just be different or potentially good. It is an opportunity to experience in traditions as an adult and from a different perspective. It is a chance to build new memories with my family and good friends. As a young adult with a great deal of experience I have started to look at the world in a different way. I have grown to appreciate my family more and given our connections higher value. I appreciate every moment because I know how fragile life truly is. Maybe this new knowledge and perspective will be able to enrich my holiday experience. The hardships I have faced over the course of this past year don't need to ruin Christmas for me. In fact they have the potential to make it more special than it ever has been previously. Maybe it's ok that I can't experience Christmas with child-like wonder anymore. Instead I can appreciate it through the eyes of strong young adult who has discovered the importance of life. I can cherish every moment I get to spend with my family- especially family members who I don't get to see very often. I have the ability to recognize the magic of familial bonds and love. I have the emotional capacity to recognize how much I am loved by my family and friends; and I have the ability to love them fiercely in return. I have acquired so much wisdom through my struggles and challenging experiences. I can use my wisdom this Christmas to realize and genuinely appreciate the beauty of the holidays- family gatherings, generosity, kind spirits, giving and sharing, expressions of love.

The magic of Christmas that comes with age-

I was right in saying that Christmas is no longer simple for me. It is exceptionally complicated but its complexity reflects the state of my mind and emotional self. I am a complex being with a complicated life. So, of course, this holiday season is going to be equally as complicated as I am. As much as I wish my troubles, worries, and fears would disappear because it is Christmas, I have to face reality, by understand that that is not how the magic of Christmas works. It doesn't make the holiday any less magical or special; it just makes it different that I had hoped for or expected. Christmas becomes closer with every passing minute. My sadness and disappointment has not dissipated but I am a little more optimistic than I was at the start of this post. Although I am not completely better (eating disordered thoughts still run rampant in my mind), although I am no longer a child, and although Christmas present is not the same as Christmas past, I still have the ability to enjoy the holiday and the season. Just because it is different does not mean it is ruined. Just because I am not "recovered" doesn't mean that I can't still celebrate the holiday joyfully with my family and friends.  I no longer believe in Santa, nor do I wish for Barbie dolls, nor can I eat pounds of candy without intense guilt. 

But, despite all this differences I can recognize one thing that is the same: Christmas is magical. The magic we see as adults is different than the magic we believe in as children. As adults we see the magic of friends and family sharing and giving- both material gifts as well as love. We witness the magic that comes from generosity- donating food or toys to those in need. We are able to live vicariously through children and experience the magic of Santa Clause and Christmas morning through their eyes.

"I no longer believe in Santa..."

We understand how magical it is when our entire family is able to come together and share a meal and some good wine. We grow older, we face hardships, we lose our innocence, and consequently things are permanently changed. We can mourn and dwell in the loss of what had been, in this case Christmas past. Or we can choose to make the most of the present by building new memories and recognizing the wonderful things that change can bring.

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean up too quickly."

- Andy Rooney

'Don't clean up too quickly.'

This quotes speaks to the magic of Christmas both for children as well as adults. I am choosing to interpret it both literally and metaphorically. As child the glory of ripping presents open and recklessly tossing the paper reflects the excitement that comes with discovering what Santa has brought. (I personally am imagining my kitten, Milly, having a blast with all the disregarding wrapping paper on Christmas morning, haha.) As adults this quote may better serve us if we interpret it as metaphor. The glorious mess is the festivities of Christmas morning and the happiness and excitement that they provoke. By not cleaning up too quickly we are able to revel in these joyous feelings for longer. We can choose to make that moment of excitement last and span upon many moments. This Christmas I will be doing my best to see these changes that have transpired as capable of enriching my holiday experience rather than detracting from it. I will both literally and metaphorically let the Christmas morning mess stick around for a while. I'll let the discarded wrapping paper stick around for a while. Milly will be sure to enjoy jumping around in all the paper. And I'll giggle at her expressions of confusion as the mess quickly grows. And I will metaphorically do my best to maintain the mess- the energy, enthusiasm, excitement, and joy that I have always associated with Christmas morning. Let us embrace Christmas and its magic with all of our might no matter how old we are. Things may change as we grow older but we are still able to have fun, be happy, and enjoy life. Let us never forget that no matter what changes we can always continue our quest for happiness.

Enjoy every moment of your Christmas present,
xo

3 Days Til Christmas

An Old-Fashioned Christmas, The Carpenters

Happy Thoughts Make Happy Days

The Power of Positivity

Remove the Clutter and Think Happy Thoughts

Remove the clutter from your brain-

These past few days my brain has been moving on high speed. A huge assortment of thoughts have been bouncing around in my brain and they are not the happy kind. I am stressed over upcoming final assignments and my mind can't stop focusing on all the work I have yet to complete. I am concerned that I have been isolating so I have been trying to force myself to go out and engage with people but I can't seem to have fun. Each night ends with me feeling as if I would have been better off staying home. My heart is aching over friendships that I've lost, friends I miss and have not seen, friends who live thousands of miles away and I may never see again. I am puzzled by my unhappy thoughts and recent feelings of sadness. I have almost reached my goal of completing the Fall semester! It is my favorite time of year and I am going to be home for it instead of in a treatment center, far from from my family. Christmas is getting closer every day! My favorite holiday is nearly here! I have so much to be happy about, such a great deal to be proud of, and numerous things to be thankful for. I should be ecstatic! Yet, here I am sitting with a brain full of sad, scary, and negative thoughts. I find myself yearning for the community aspect of treatment. I long for that feeling of be understood. I miss the bonds that I created and feel as if I lack the same type of bonds in my everyday life. I don't want to be in treatment. I want to be home for Christmas. I know I do. But I also want to be surrounded by people who understand me completely, girls and women who know exactly how to help and support me, friends that I connect with instantly. I am lonely because I feel as if I am not understood. I am sad because I rely on the company of my cat most of the time. I wish I had more good friends in my life, more people nearby, and more friends that I have a natural bond with. I do have some of these types of friends but not enough to let me feel fulfilled. 

Confusion fills my mind-

I am so confused as you can probably tell by the scattered characteristic of this post. My thoughts are everywhere and on everything. I can't keep them straight and I don't understand them. It's time for me to take a break from inside my head. I need to remove the clutter and make space for happy thoughts. Right now the negative clutter is taking up all of my brain power and I have no energy left to think happy thoughts. But as we know positivity can be a powerful tool if we choose to use it. So, I am going to attempt to extract these negative thoughts from my brain, clear my mind by removing the clutter, and save some energy to think happy thoughts. I'd like to offer an affirmation for us to concentrate on in the hopes that it will allow us to fill our minds with positive thoughts because happy thoughts make happy days-

I release unwelcome and debilitating thoughts and replace them with positive ones that allow me to appreciate the world around me.

Instead of getting stuck in our own heads- ruminating over unwelcome, negative thoughts- lets look outward and experience life. Our positive thoughts can help us to see the positive in the world around us. But, the first thing we need to do in order to get out of our heads, stop the the cycle of negative thoughts, and appreciate the world that exists around us, is remove the clutter. The clutter acts like a wall- trapping us inside our own minds, blocking our view of the external world, and forcing us to focus inward. It's time that we knock down this wall and allow ourselves to escape. Our positivity has the power to destroy this debilitating wall of negativity. Our happy thoughts allow us to see the world and all of the good it has to offer. These happy thoughts can materialize into happy days. As I release my stress about school I recognize and embrace the accomplishments I have already made this semester. As I let go of sadness about friendships I accept the warmth and love of my family. And as I let go of my confusion regarding the holiday and treatment I take in the present. I see and appreciate where I am  and what I have today. I know how hard I have worked to get to this point and I can't allow unhappy thoughts ruin my favorite holiday or diminish the strides I have made this semester. Once we get trapped in our heads and caught up in the cycle of negative thinking it is hard to find a way out. Well I am offering us all a lifeline right now. This is your out! Stop yourself now! Shut your eyes and repeat this affirmation as many times as you need. Lets picture the negative thoughts being released from our minds. Lets see the space being made within our heads. And now lets watch as positive, happy thoughts fill this newly made space. Our outlook- negative or positive- impacts the way we see the world and experience life. Lets choose to use the power of positivity so that we can enjoy everything that this day has to offer. Happy thoughts make happy days so kick out the negative and welcome the positive! It's time to remove the clutter, tear down the wall, think happy thoughts, and ultimately be happy!

Give yourself a happy day,

xo

Happy thoughts allow us to see the positive in the world around us-

You Can Fly, From Disney's Animated Film, Peter Pan (1953)

25 Days Til Christmas Eve, 26 Days Til Chrismas

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

Christmas Time is Here, From the Motion Picture, A Charlie Brown Christmas 

Where Do I Belong?

How Do We Live When We Lack a "Core-Group"?

Building an Identity and Strengthening Connections

Throughout my life I have always belonged to a community or considered myself to have a "core-group." Growing up I attended a small, private, all girls school which was a community within itself. I graduated with only 53 people, most of whom I'd know the majority of my life, and knew intimate information about nearly every single girl. As a student and "Lifer" (having attended the school since Kindergarten) I was automatically granted membership in this community. Within this already tight-knit community I had an even smaller community, a "core-group," that consisted of about 12 girls. We did almost everything together. We ate lunch with the same people at the same table for nearly 7 years. We knew the ins-and-outs of each other's lives. We partied together, we cried together, we laughed together, we confided in each other, and we grew up together. I identified with this group and always felt as if I belonged whenever I was surrounded by them. As I departed from the safety of my small, close community upon graduation I nearly instantly became a member of yet another community. 

Graduation day with my grade school core-group-

When I started at The George Washington University I joined a sorority within the first three weeks of my Freshman year. The sorority became my new community, my pledge class an even smaller community within it, and the girls I bonded with became my new "core group." These core-groups and communal affiliations provided me with a number of benefits. I was able to construct an identity for myself with respect to the communities and groups to which I belonged. I could reveal elements of who I was simply by referencing the name of sorority, the school I attended, or by mentioning a few of my friends. These groups also offered me a sense of comfort and belonging. I felt at ease and as if I was similar to the other people who made up my core-groups. In high-school we could relate through shared memories, mutual experiences, common likes and dislikes, as well as similar upbringings. We also had a dedication to each other because we had known one another for so long. I felt safe and protected because I had the support and love of my core-group of friends. 

Sorority "sisters"-

I had similar feelings regarding the girls I pledged with in college. Although we had not known each other very long we quickly bonded via common experiences, similar preferences and backgrounds, as well as the hardships that often came along with pledging a sorority. These core-groups also guaranteed that I never needed to be alone if I did not want to. In grade school I always had a friend to call or text or instant message if I wanted to do something- go out, see a movie, have dinner, go to the mall, or just hang out in someones basement. I always had something to do and I never felt alone. In college my pledge class provided me with the same type of resources. I could contact nearly any girl I pledged with if I wanted to join a pregame, go to a club, grab dinner, go the gym, or study at the library. Again, I always was able to find company and never felt loneliness. 

However these feelings of community, belonging, and connectedness now seem like distant memories. 

Now that I have transferred to The University of Pennsylvania I have no group affiliations, no core-group to rely on, and now small-scale community to which I belong. As a transfer student it can be difficult to find a niche in which you feel comfortable or gain access to a group who you have commonalities with. I am not saying that I don't have any friends. I feel blessed to have met as many people as I have. I am grateful to the wonderful people who took the time to get to know me and reached out to me. I have a number of friends whom I could contact to go out with. I have even been lucky enough to make a couple true connections with people who I believe I will remain friends with long after college. However the differences between these friendships and those of my past is crucial and definitive: my current friends lack a common thread. Many of my close friends aren't close with each other. Some of them don't like each other or don't even know one another. While I have plenty of people that I can greet when I see them on the street I lack a core-group that I can identify with and depend on. I no longer have an abundance of phone numbers that I can use if I want company or something to do. I don't have a cohesive group of people who support me and care about me. I am no longer surrounded by people who I can relate to and who typically like the same things I like and feel the same ways I feel. I miss the communal bonds of my past. I often feel lonely, lost, or confused. And I can't help but ask the question: Where do I belong?

"Where do I belong?"

The last time I remember feeling as if I was part of a community was when I was in eating disorder treatment this past Winter. The program consisted of less than 30 girls and although I didn't get along with all of them I felt connected to each girl because of the commonality that brought us all together- our eating disorders. Even within this tiny community I had a core-group that consisted of a couple girls who I became exceptionally close with and could confide in and easily relate to. Even when I return to the Renfrew Center, another facility I spent time in, to visit or attend a group, I immidiately feel comfortable. I always feel as if I belong when I am in the eating disorder community. Being surrounded by girls and women who completely understand my struggles and pain fills me with a sense of comfort, provides me with a sense of belonging, and makes me feel safe and at home. When I look at my life now I become scared. The eating disorder world and community is my last point of reference for feeling as if I belong. Fellow patients are the most recent group of people I have been able to identify with. These treatment facilities are the last places that I felt any sense of community, any sense of true safety, and any sense of belong. It makes me afraid that I am no longer able to find these things in the outside world. I am uncertain that I will ever find a core-group outside the walls of a treatment facility. And I am not sure that I will ever be able to find a community of people with whom I connect outside the eating disorder treatment world. I am terrified that the answer to my question- "Where do I belong?"- is, in residential treatment. I refuse to believe that this is the correct answer. 

The safe haven that is the smoke shack at Renfrew, Spring Lane

Although those friendships are real and invaluable I know as well as anyone that treatment isn't real life and bouncing in and out is no way to live. Constantly being in residential treatment prohibits you from creating a life for yourself outside the walls of treatment or foster relationships outside the eating disorder community. I know that this is not the type of life that I want for myself and I have to have faith that I will find a place where I belong somewhere in the real world, the world outside of treatment and outisde the eating disorder community. I must believe that there will be a point in my life when I'll be able to find another community of people, another "core-group" of friends, or at least something similar. I have to think that there are people in this world who are like me- priority and goal driven, value life, seek happiness, interested in a variety of things (fashion, psychology, quotations, 60's music,) have experienced hardships, put life into perspective- and I will be able to find them and even perhaps create a new collective group in which I feel as if I belong. But the question is what do we do until we find this group of people? How do we survive when we lack a "core-group"? 

Like a thumb print our identities are one of a kind-

What I am learning is that when we don't have a group to help support our identity or use as a point of reference we need to learn to build our own, individual, unique identity. Just because we don't have a group to help us formulate who we are does not mean that we cannot build a strong identity on our own. I suppose the key is knowing who we are, making choices and behaving decisively in ways that support this sense of self, showing off who we are- in the way we dress, in the manner in which we speak, in our interactions with others, in the work that we perform- and sticking to our personal belief system. Remaining dedicated to our own identity, standing our ground, not allowing other people to alter the way we act or think, can strengthen the identity that we build for ourselves more so than any group ever could. We may not be a part of something larger than ourselves such as a group identity. And we may not be able to drop a sorority name to quickly reveal information about ourselves. When we acquire this information we have the chance to form a personal identity that is ours, that cannot be replicated or duplicated, and that represents us accurately. The following quote by Sarah Breathnach does well to support this notion and the connectedness of identity and belonging.

“[I]t doesn’t matter whom you love or where you move from or to, you always take yourself with you. If you don’t know who you are, or if you’ve forgotten or misplaced her [him], then you’ll always feel as if you don’t belong. Anywhere.”

- Sarah Breathnach

What I have also discovered is the importance of strengthening the connections and single friendships that I do have. Just because I lack a core-group does not mean I am a loner, a friendless loser, or am forced to be by myself all the time. It simply means that I need to work a little hard in order to strengthen and solidify my existing friendships. I am not going to lie- it takes work. I need to proactive. I need to make the phone call to coordinate a dinner. I need to send a text to ensure that I am included in a pregame or that I have people to go out with. But I have found that people aren't only responsive but they are in fact reciprocative. I do receive texts and invites from friends even when I haven't actively pursued them. I think the hardest thing for me in not having a core-group is having the feeling that there is no where that I belong. I have specific friends who I am very comfortable with, I could talk with them about anything, we could hang out doing nothing for hours, and when we are together it feels right. When I am with these friends I have that sense of belonging that I so long for. So I guess the lesson is that I don't need a huge group of people to feel as if I belong. That feeling can come from being with just one person. It is my job to strengthen these friendships and put forth effort to make sure I am spending time with the people who I feel this connection with. I need to remain active in continuing and building relationships with people who provide me with that sense of belonging. The following quote helps substantiate this idea that we don't need a huge group of people surround us. Merely one or two people can fulfill our desire to feel as if we belong.

“I don't even remember the season. I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that I belonged somewhere.”

- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

"We just sort of took up by the river one day, we don't belong to each other."

So have I been successful in answering my initial question: Where do I belong? I am not really sure. After having written this post I am beginning to believe that maybe there is no place where any of us definitively belong. Perhaps it is not vital to have a "core-group" in order to feel that sense of belonging. I suppose I know plenty of people who are part of a core-group yet don't feel happy in it or are always on the look out for something different, something better, something beyond the group in which they have membership. I suppose the place where we all belong can be found within ourselves. As I continue with this entry I can't help but think back to a quote, made famous by the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, when the protagonist, Holly Golightly, talks about belonging and the feeling that Tiffany's provides her with.

"'I don't want to own anything until I know I've found the place where me and things belong together. I'm not quite sure where that is just yet. But I know what it's like.' She smiled, and let the cat drop to the floor. "It's like Tiffany's,' she said...'It calms me down right away, the quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there, not with those kind men in their nice suits, and that lovely smell of silver and alligator wallets. If I could find a real-life place that made me feel like Tiffany's, then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name.'"

- Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

Find your "real-life" Tiffany's-

I think back onto recent moments when I felt that sense of belonging, my own "real-life" Tiffany's and they vary hugely- watching a movie with my parents, having a yummy dinner with a friend, running into a couple old friends at a bar, a small pregame with 2 friends at my apartment, snuggling with Milly in my bed, writing this blog at various locations, smoking a cigarette all on my own, sitting in class, talking to my T.A. about a recent assignment. I guess the answer to my question is that I can belong anywhere! I can find my own personal "Tiffany's" where ever I go, no matter who I am with, and regardless of what I am doing. I find it in brief moments and little situations all the time. It has nothing to do with having a structured community or cohesive friend group. It does not matter where I am located or who I am with. My sense of belonging comes from within myself. When I am comfortable, when I feel as if I am in my zone, when I am being true to myself in all aspects- clothing, studies, interactions, behaviors- I feel as if I belong. No, I don't have a core-group of friends at the moment but that doesn't mean I don't have the ability to feel as if I belong. The key to feeling as if we belong is by building identities that are truly representative of who we are and not wavering from them. We must also continue to reach out to our various friends and strengthen connections with those who feel are similar to us, who we feel comfortable with, who we enjoy spending time, and who bring out the best in us. We can belong anywhere, whether we have a core-group or not, if we are confident and happy with who we are and maintain the friendships that we value most. Lets not be disheartened because we belong right here no matter where here is at the moment.

Look within yourself and you'll find where you belong,
xo

Never forget this or let anyone tell you otherwise!

Moon River, Theme from Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)