Carry-On Luggage

Hooked on Happiness

Sustaining Good Feelings During Our Everyday Lives

"I wanted...to pack [the good feelings] in my carry-on luggage..."

I am back from vacation and currently sitting in the Saxbys on Penn's campus. The break proved to be exactly what I needed in order to be refueled and revived. I am bursting with good feelings that are stemming from the wonderful trip that I was able to take with my Mom. As I left the Cayman Islands I found that I had gained more than just a kick ass tan. I was departing with new feelings- calm, relaxed, hopeful, contented, energized, and happy. I was enjoying these feelings so much; I was truly hooked. I wanted to be able to bottle them up (in a 3.4 oz container of course) and somehow manage to pack them in my carry-on luggage and bring them back to Philadelphia with me. Of course I knew that was an impossibility because feelings and emotions are not tangible items that we can put away and store for later.

Hooked on Happiness

But still, I am so hooked on happiness that I need to figure out a way to sustain these good feelings so that they are able to positive influence me and my everyday life. After experiencing something pleasant- vacations, a good date, receiving praise, a reunion with an old friend- we are left with good feelings and happiness. But so often we fear the end of the happy event because we are concerned that once it is over- the trips ends, you have your goodnight kiss, your friend says farewell- that good feelings will cease to exist as well. Seeking and enjoying pleasantries is important; but it is probably more important that we learn a means of sustaining the resulting good feelings. 

Not all pleasures will make us jump for joy-

"Tranquil pleasures last the longest; we are not fitted to bear the burden of great joys."

- Christian Nestell Bovee

I chose to include Bovee's quote because I feel that it provides an explanation for why these moments, which bring us such overwhelming delight, must end. We are not meant to be overjoyed in all instances of our lives. If every moment or experience was a "great joy" they would start to lost their worth and meaning. It is the fact that these "great joys" are scarce that makes them so special and pleasurable. Perhaps it is the ability to maintain the good feelings, which accompany these moments of elation that allow us to achieve the longer lasting "tranquil pleasures."The "great joys" get us hooked on happiness.

It is this love of happiness and joy that leads us to pursue means of sustaining good feelings even during the monotony of our everyday lives. Just because happy experiences or "great joys" end does not mean that the positive emotions that they induce need to be fleeting. We can manage to hold on to these feelings- contentment, peace, happiness, etc.- so that they play a role in our everyday lives and provide us with the less demanding "tranquil pleasures." Although I was unable to literally pack up my positive emotions, tucking them away in my carry-on luggage somewhere between my dirty socks and the souvenir candle I purchased for a friend, I do believe that I have managed to bring these good feelings with me back to Philadelphia and as a result am continuing to experience the "pleasure" of which Bovee speaks. 

Sustaining Good Feelings

So, the question is: How is that I managed to metaphorically pack up my intangible emotions? Truthfully, I am not sure that I can offer an honest answer to this question because bring these good feelings back with me was truly an unconscious act. All I know is that they are here with me now. But I worry that once school gets back in full swing that I will somehow lose them while walking from one class to another. 

"It was easy to...maintain my good feelings...on vacation."

It was easy to experience and maintain my good feelings while I was away on vacation. I had no obligations. My only duty was to wake up in the morning, head to the beach, soak up the sun, read for pleasure, and drink margaritas. So obviously there was no concern that my happiness would cease because there was no outside force threatening it. Now that I am home and have somehow managed to bring these pleasant feelings along with me I am terrified of losing them. 

How can I continue feeling good?

How can we manage to sustain good feelings during our everyday lives, despite the many elements that could interfere with our abilities to do so? I would like us to consider two quotes as means of grappling with this question and potentially finding an answer to it. 

"Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention."

- Greg Anderson

This quote seems fitting with respect to the way in which I have managed to sustain the good feelings I experienced during my vacation. Of course Anderson's words could accompany a plethora of themes and notions; they can be applied to other situations in which we find ourselves. However, the idea of "focus" and its connection to "happiness in our lives" struck me. This thought can be applied in two ways. First, we can utilize focus in our everyday lives, especially in a moment of sadness of anguish, by remembering the things from our previous experiences that brought us happiness. 

"...the sunshine...always [brought] a smile to my face."

For example, the sunshine and the beautiful beach in Grand Cayman filled me with joy, always bringing a smile to my face. If I can hold onto these images, and choose to focus on them in mundane or unpleasant times, then I can elicit the sense of happiness that they provided me with while I was on vacation. I may not be on the beach, soaking up the sun, but I still have the memories and distinct images of the sun and sand ingrained in my mind. I can't physically find them as walk the streets of Philadelphia, but they exist within my head. I can tap into these mental pictures, focus on them, and allow them to bring me happiness and good feelings wherever I am. The second way in which we can apply Anderson's "focus" theory actually works well in conjunction with the following quote-

"Some pursue happiness, others create it."

- Author Unknown

Anderson suggests that we redirect our "attention" in order to have "happiness in our lives." I want to assert that we "focus" on the elements of our pleasant experiences that brought about good feelings within us. I was able to find happiness in a number of sources while I was away. I found joy in being able to read for pleasure. I loved having the opportunity to spend time with my Mother without any stressors or distractions. I had fun sitting in the hotel lobby or on the beach playing endless rounds of 500 Rummy. I couldn't help but feel pleased each time I took my first sip of a frozen peach margarita. And it was nice to take the time to get dressed up and go out to dinner. 

"...endless round of 500 Rummy."

Now that I have given "focus" to, and in doing so recognized, the different things and activities that brought me happiness while I was away, I can work to recreate them in my everyday life now that I am home. I may not be able to magically create 80 degree weather and white beaches, but I definitely have the power to incorporate some of the other aspects of my vacation into my routine. 

I certainly can't recreate this-

This is where Anderson's idea of "focus" and the above quotes assertion about "creat[ing] [happiness] are able to work together. Redirecting the "focus" of my "attention" helped me to determine what is was about vacation that evoked good feelings within me. Now I am equipped to "create [happiness]" in my everyday life by integrating these practices from my vacation. 

"I can plan activities to do with my Mom..."

I can easily make time to pick up a book and read a little bit each day. I can plan activities to do with my Mom that allow us to escape the pressures of reality, even if only for a short period. And I can arrange to have nice dinners with friends and family that require us to get dolled up. It is so simple for me to recreate these elements of my vacation even though I am now back in Philadelphia; it is all about choosing to take the time and effort that's required to incorporate these little things into my everyday life. If we are able to identify actions that bring us joy and are feasible to include into our routines then we have the capability of literally creating happiness for ourselves. Just because the "great joy" has passed does not mean that you need to slip back into the frustrating monotony that defines so many of our lives. Once we become hooked on happiness we do have the power to feed our fix. 

False advertising! Happiness requires a will and a want-

We must redirect our "attention" in order to summon pleasant memories and consequently good feelings is merely one way that we can sustain good feelings. We can also make the decision to  identify and focus the elements of our pleasant experiences that brought us joy, and then proceed to actively recreate these factors, in order to achieve happiness in our everyday lives. 

We may not be able to pack up our good feelings, shoving them into the confines of our carry-on bags, but with the right tools, we have the power to sustain them during our everyday lives and conjure up happiness no matter where we go! It's ok to be hooked on happiness once you've discovered your capacity to achieve it everywhere and anywhere!

Let the good times roll,

xo

Hooked on a Feeling, B.J. Thomas

Lets work to sustain good feelings during our everday lives-

If You Wanna Be Happy, Jimmy Soul

We hold the key to our own happiness-

Shh...It's a Surprise!!

Unexpected Joys

Life Can Be Shocking

Shh...It's a Surprise!!

If I have learned anything over the course of the past couple days it's that people, things, and life are unpredictable. As soon as I have finally come to terms with the way things are, expecting and accepting each day to be pretty much the same as every other, life shocks me by treating me to unexpected joys. Because of my multiple times in treatment for my eating disorder I have had the opportunity to make a countless numbers of friends of varying ages, from all over the world, and from numerous different paths of life; but, of course, there are those few friends with whom I created instantaneous, unbreakable bonds who I continue to think about every single day. Unfortunately a number of factors- time, distance, work, lapses and relapses, and life in general- prevent us from seeing and talking to each other as frequently as I would like. But no matter what, these extraordinary friends will forever have a special place in my heart, and regardless of what happens I will always consider them to be my best friends, even part of my family. Our level of closeness makes every interaction that we have invaluable and fills me with a level of excitement and happiness that is not even possible to articulate. 

When we do get to see each other I find myself wondering if the situation is truly real or if it is just a dream; it wouldn't be a completely insane notion considering I do often dream about seeing these good friends who I rarely have the chance to interact and/or be with. But over the past few days life has surprised me by turning my dreams into realities on two separate occasions. The first event involved one of my dearest friends from treatment who I literally consider to be a second mother to me. She is nearly 40 years old, a college professor, married, and has her doctorates; clearly we lead very different lives. But somehow despite our differences we have been able to create and sustain an incomparable connection. However, sadly she is often very sick, involved in her eating disorder and dropping to scarily low weights, which makes it nearly impossible for us to be in contact with each other; she is either frequently intentionally isolating or too exhausted to even attempt to focus on her relationships with other people after fulfilling the obligations that her full-time job demands. She has recently pulled one of her "disappearing acts" and I decided to text her just to check in and let her know that she was on my mind. I wasn't even expecting a response so I was certainly shocked when she texted me back and suggested that we get together because she was going to be in the area. We met up and talked for only a little over an hour while she had time to kill between meetings. But, this face-to-face interaction was one of the most joyful experiences that I have had in a long time. 

Life shocked me by providing me with this unexpected joy, the opportunity to see, hug, and connect with my second mom, and it reminded me that we don't always need to be actively pursuing happiness; often, it will find us when we are least expecting it.

Callan's guide to happiness-

"Resist chasing after happiness and give happiness a chance to sneak up on you and 'find' you in unexpected moments."

- Jamie Cat Callan, Bonjour, Happiness! Secrets to Finding Your "Joie de Vivre"

I can't imagine a more appropriate quote for this entry and my personal experience. I most definitely wasn't expecting life to surprise me with this happy and gratifying experience. I sent a text to my friend out of the blue with no expectation that she would even bother responding. She was pulling one of her "disappearing acts" that she tends to engage in when she is not doing well with her eating disorder. But happiness chose to "sneak up" and "find" me when my friend suggested that we get together. I wasn't looking for happiness, yet I managed to come across it anyways because life opted to shock me with an unexpected joy. After seeing my friend I was completely elated and I couldn't imagine that my day could possibly get any better. But, again, I was wrong. Life was not through surprising me with unexpected and unsolicited pleasure. 

So Happy, Andy Warhol (1958)

Later that evening I heard from my other best friend from treatment (I have 3, each from a different time in treatment) who I literally haven't been in contact with in months. We are basically identical in almost every way- same eating disorder, same height, same hair color, same likes and dislikes, same cigarettes, same habits (good as well as bad), same attitude about our illness, and same perspectives about fun, happiness, and life- it's almost creepy. Our similarities are so strong and significant that we even refer to each other as "twinny." Our intense bond was strong and instantaneous and we became inseparable after only a few hours of knowing each other. We could finish each other's sentences, changed in front of each other, comforted one another, were ridiculously honest with each other, and trusted and loved each other despite the short length of our relationship. During this past spring we managed to get together almost every week and we always were able to have an absurd and fabulous time no matter what we were doing. She had the ability to make me feel alive and forget about my worries and issues. But as time went by, and we both became increasingly engaged in other areas of our lives, we haven't been able to stay in touch to the same degree that we once could. 

Me and my "twinny" !

I still love her unconditionally and I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual but we just can't seem to consistently turn these feelings into actions. I constantly will send texts that go unanswered. We try to make plans and they nearly always fall through. Maintaining contact just seems impossibly difficult; so, although I consider her to be my "twin" and one of my dearest friends, I don't expect to hear from her or see her very often. Yesterday she surprised me when she reached out to me via Facebook. This initial message led to a series of messages, which ultimately resulted in lengthy text conversations, and again offered me an unexpected joy. Just communicating with her was able to provoke the happy, warm, and good feelings that I had experienced when we were able to spend time together. This second interaction solidified my belief that life can be shocking and that happiness will "find" us even when we are not actively looking for it nor expecting it.

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."

- John Barrymore

This quote is so true for me in both these situations. When I initially texted my second mother I wasn't looking for a response and I wasn't hoping or anticipating that she would provide me with any more joy than I already had. (I was feeling pretty good at the time so I wasn't necessarily on the look out for opportunities that would bring me happiness.) After seeing my friend I was feeling even better, so again, I wasn't on the hunt for additional happiness. In fact, I was thinking, "How could I possibly feel any better than I do right now?" But then my other friend, my "twin," contacted me unexpectedly, allowing further happiness to "sneak" into my life. I wasn't wanting or looking for more happiness or joy; it just came to me by surprise the "a door" that had apparently been "left open!" 

This is what my good friends do for me-

I know that these situations may sound small or insignificant but they truly meant the world to me, filling me with a level of joy that I haven't had in a long time. I have gotten so used to my predictable, structured, monotonous and somewhat mundane life that I have forgotten what it feels like to experience a pleasant surprise. The surprise doesn't need to be huge or monumental in order for it to make a big impact on you and your life in a positive way.

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."

- Robert Brault

I picked this quote because it brings up the potential significance of the supposedly "little things," such as my recent interactions with my two best friends. I agree with this notion, but a part of me feels the need to counter Brault's statement, questioning, Why do we need to wait until a later point in time to recognize and/or ascribe value to these "little things?" 

In my mind anything that brings us joy, no matter how small or simple they may seem, are worthy of being deemed significant or "big." In actuality, sometimes it's these "little things" that provide us with the highest degrees of happiness. You may not understand why these recent unexpected joys brought me the amount of excitement that they did. You might not get why I consider basic communication with friends as a "big thing." But really, none of that is important; what matters is that I recognize how valuable these surprises were to me and my happiness. Likewise, I probably don't understand the importance and/or value of all of the "little things" that bring you joy. Again, my lack of understanding is insignificant. I am suggesting that we look at Brault's quote and take it one step further. Lets not wait to recognize the worth of all the small and simple things that bring us pleasure. Instead, I am encouraging us to denote these things as "big" right now. In this moment we can choose to give these "little things" the credit that they deserve. 

"...you can find happiness anywhere and everywhere...when we are not really concentrating on capturing [it], [it] will suddenly appear in our peripheral vision..."

- Jamie Cat Callan, Bonjour, Happiness! Secrets to Finding Your "Joie de Vivre"

We don't always need to be searching for happiness. Occasionally life will shock us by throwing it in our laps. If we acknowledge that the "little things" are actually "big" simply because of the fact that they bring us gladness the more likely we are to see that happiness truly is "anywhere and everywhere" and the more frequently we will be gifted unexpected joys. I have a long list of seemingly tiny, common, or trivial things that provide with a level of delight that others would consider uncalled for or inappropriate. 
My favorite simple pleasures include fancy stationary, stickers, any and all things involving France, expensive candles, and Hello Kitty. (This is just a short sampling from my lengthy list of little delights.)  My extensive list of diverse likes allows life to surprise me and provide me with unexpected joys on a regular basis. I will walk into the drug store to buy cigarettes and then all of a sudden...surprise- they are selling Hello Kitty stickers and Pez dispensers, consequently instantly lifting my spirits when I did not expect it. I head into my school's bookstore to pick up a text book for class and I am lured by the card section, which catches me off guard because it offers my favorite brand of luxury stationary and cards. Yet again, unexpected and instant happiness is tossed my way.

I go into Urban Outfitters in order to buy some new tights (considering mine always seem to have a run in them) and the first thing I see is a display filled with expensive, beautifully fragrant candles. I went in for a basic necessity and was surprised when I found that the store sold one of my favorite "little things." I entered expecting to leave with only a few pairs of tights in hand. Instead, I left with not just tights, and not just a candle, but a little bit of joy and a smile on my face as well. Why am I blabbering on and telling you all this, talking about candles and Hello Kitty and daily errands? Well, it's because I am trying to demonstrate to you that happiness really is "anywhere and everywhere." The more open we are to ascribing value to the small things that bring us pleasure, the more likely it is that life will shock us with unexpected joys. My best friends, who I rarely see and don't get to speak to that often, reached out to me and I was absolutely thrilled. Others may consider my level of gladness to be an over reaction or silly; however, connecting with close friends is yet another "little thing" that I regard as a "big thing." Life shocked me when I heard from my friends and I was blessed with two separate experiences of unexpected joy.

"My best friends...reached out to me and I was absolutely thrilled."

Think about the different things in life that bring you happiness- magazines, decorative pillows, picture frames, lip balm, cup cakes, coffee table books, anything at all! Give these "little things," which others may not see the meaningfulness of, the value and significance they they deserve. These pleasures are "big things" for no other reason than the fact that they fill you with cheerfulness. Once you have ascribed them the value you that they deserve I think you will discover that you are surprised with unexpected joys more and more. Don't disregard how substantial these simple pleasures are and don't allow yourself to forget that life can be shocking. Unexpected joys will find you when you are least expecting it. You may not be actively pursuing happiness but that does not mean that it will not find you anyways. 

Be open to embracing life's happy surprises,
xo

Life can be shocking, bringing unexpected joys !

In Good Company

The Gift of a Strong Connection

Relationships: Build, Maintain, Appreciate

Three's Company, (1976-1984)

Over the past week or so I have become acutely aware of the different relationships in my life. We all have numerous people- friends, acquaintances, teachers, doctors, family members, co-workers- who we connect with on a daily basis. However we often neglect to notice these relationships, the effort it takes to sustain them, and their significance. Relationships require work in order to build and maintain them. Too often we forget to acknowledge the amount of effort that we have put in in order to form a connection with someone. Likewise we frequently neglect to take the time to sit back and appreciate the relationships that we have been able to create. It is time that we recognize that a strong connection is truly a gift and should not be taken for granted. I have been attempting to increase my consciousness regarding the variety of relationships that I have. 

"[My Mom and I] have a special relationship."

Last week I enjoyed a calm and delicious dinner at my apartment with my Mom. I sat back and savored the time that we were able to spend together. We have a special relationship; I am completely honest with her and can talk to her about nearly anything- my eating disorder, sex, trouble with friends, my fears. I know that our connection is strong and unique; not all daughters are able to confide in their mothers to the degree that I can. 

Yesterday I ran into a professor who's class I was in last fall. Over the course of the semester I worked diligently, participated in class discussions, regularly attended office hours, and earned high marks. I was able to build a connection with this professor because of my work ethic and level of dedication. This connection served me well later on in the semester when I needed to take a medical leave of absence. My professor was sympathetic, gave me a hug (although it was against University policy), and expressed both care and concern for me and my well-being. I was thankful for the relationship that I had been able to build with her because she provided me with exactly what I needed- kindness, comfort, and support- during a time of weakness and pain. 

"Yesterday I ran into a professor..."

Over the past year I have not done a great job at maintaining the relationship that we had. But, when I saw her yesterday, we interacted as if no time had passed. She expressed the same interest, concern, and care for me that she had displayed over a year ago. We both asserted that we will be sure to be in contact in the near future in order to catch up and I am certain that I will stay true to my word in order to maintain our strong connection. I had already appreciated the way she helped me when I was struggling and needed to leave school; but, after our run-in yesterday I gained an even greater appreciation for our relationship. It is rewarding for me to know that my professor genuinely respects and cares about me because of the way I presented myself as a student in her classroom. 

Building relationships and connections-

Today I had the pleasure of engaging with a potential new friend. A girl in one of my classes recognized me from other classes that we have had together. We began talking after class and it seemed as if we had an instant connection. The conversation flowed effortlessly and before we separated we exchanged numbers. Right now we are merely acquaintances but I can foresee that we could easily become friends if I work toward building a relationship with her. So why is it that I am providing you with a series of accounts regarding my personal interactions? Well, I guess I am trying to show you that relationships and strong connections can come in a variety of forms. We can't rule someone out because they don't appear to be the type of person we usually relate to. (One of my best friends is nearly 40 years old and is a college professor with her doctorates. Another of my best friends is only 17 years old and lives in Canada.) If we are open to the possibility of forming a relationship than our opportunities to do so are endless. 

"We all have numerous people who we connect with on a daily basis."

"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied."

- Antoine de Saint

I chose this quote because it expresses how fundamental relationships are to our essence, our well-being, and our lives. We cannot exist alone, isolated from the world. We learn about ourselves by interacting with other people. We are able to recognize our likes and dislikes. Relations introduce new things- foods, books, ideas- to us. And these people can remind us of things about ourselves that we may have forgotten.

Recently I have been spending a huge amount of time with a new friend. We both instantaneously felt a strong connection and I view her presence in my life as a gift and I strongly believe that this feeling is mutual. In our case building the friendship was quick work and maintaining it has been just as easy. Now we have reached the glorious period in relationships when you are able to relax and appreciate. I am so thankful to have her as a friend because when I am with her I always feel that I am in good company. 

Our Pinot of choice-

We can talk for hours about all topics- school, eating disorder shit, boys, family, worries, future plans. We both share a strong liking for Pinot Grigio and Parliament Light cigarettes (the 100s). And our connection is strong because we can relate on so many different levels. We trust each other and are able to have serious and honest conversations when we need to. We can go out together drinking, partying, and causing a ruckus. But we are also able to enjoy low key nights, sitting in my apartment, sharing a bottle of wine, chain smoking cigarettes, and talking for hours on end. 

"...chain smoking cigarettes..."

I think about the time that we have spent together so far and I am so appreciative of every single moment- each laughing fit, every conversation, each secret divulged, and every commonality discovered. She has been staying with me quite often recently and it is nice to have some company after living alone for the past few months. It is a comfort to know that I have someone to debrief with at the end of the day; but, more importantly, it is a blessing to be certain that I will be going to sleep happy and smiling every night.

"Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings."

- Miles Franklin

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all need people, connections, relationships. I suppose we could exist without them but it seems to me that doing so would result in a very miserable and depressing life. Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time, but there comes a point in all of our lives when we need and/or want someone who we can talk to, share experiences with, care about, and love. Sometimes thinking about relationships can be exhausting. Whether it's a friendship, a familial relationship, or an intimate relationship there is no doubt that all relationships take a degree of effort. First, you need to find a person that you relate to on some basic level. Once you have determined that you are interested in forming a relationship with this person you need to put in the work in order to build the foundation and structure of it. And even after a solid bond has been formed you must continue to work in order to maintain the relationship. But once all the dirty work is done, and you've created a strong connection, you are able to discover that your efforts were not futile or exerted for naught. Honestly, nothing can compare to a true friend, a close relationship, or a strong connection; they are gifts that should be treasure and appreciated. Relationships are dynamic, miraculous entities that can supply us with an infinite number of gifts- self-worth, sense of calm, fun, self-acceptance, sense of safety, knowledge, feelings of belonging and/or acceptance, happiness. It can be difficult at first when attempting to create new relationships; but when you are sitting among friends, in good company, you come to realize that it is well worth the effort. 

"Most of us don't need a psychiatric therapist as much a friend to be silly with."

- Robert Brault

Relationships are gifts from G-d that sustain, fulfill, and enrich us and our lives. No matter the type of relationship- friendship, spouse, sibling- take the time and effort to build, maintain, and appreciate it because nothing is more valuable than a person who you can share your life with.

Take a moment and reach out in order to connect,

xo

"But when you are sitting among friends...you come to realize that is was well worth the effort."

You've Got a Friend in Me, Randy Newman in Disney's animated film, Toy Story (1995)

  

Thank You Santa Claus

A Merry Christmas Morning

No Place Like Home for the Holidays

Christmas Day, December 24, 2012

"At Christmas, all roads lead home."

- Marjorie Holmes

It is Christmas Day !

It has finally arrived- Christmas Day is here! My Christmas has been everything I could have imagined and more! I am sitting comfy cozy at my Aunt's house. The unwrapping is finished. We are all satiated after a breakfast of homemade cinnamon buns, bacon, eggs, sausage, and Champagne. Milly is wandering about in her new festive collar. I received everything on my list. (I guess I was a good little girl this year.) But, in reality I received the best gift of all days ago. I am home for Christmas and we are all overjoyed. Nothing is more rewarding than being with my family for Christmas. No gift can outshine the smiling faces of my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my brother because I am here with all of them this year. There truly is no place like home for the holidays. This was a very merry Christmas morning; probably the best one in years. It most definitely topped my Christmas morning in treatment last year. (Although I suppose that wouldn't be that difficult to do.) I am overwhelmed with pleasant emotions. 

Christmas Morning with Milly !

This Christmas has lived up to all my expectations and I cannot believe that there is still more celebrating to come. It is only 1 o'clock. We haven't even had Christmas dinner yet. I can't imagine that it could get any better than this! How could I feel any happier or more thankful than I feel right now? I don't think it is possible. I can't stop grinning. I feel as if I am radiating positive energy. It's as if I am floating on air. Days like this remind me what life is all about. Family, friends, holidays, happy moments, new memories- life is a gift and these extra special days are our little rewards for making it through the rough times. This last year has not been easy. This Fall semester was brutal. I faced challenges that I thought I could not overcome. In order to get through all the shit I had to keep this reward in mind. I am here and it is solid evidence that I have made it! I keep thinking I am dreaming.I am truly in disbelief. How did I do it? How did I manage to get through the crap and make it to this point? Am I really here with my family on Christmas day? Yes I am! None of the hardships from the past even matter to me right now. It is all behind me. I made it through the tough moments, the difficult times, the obstacles; I overcame all of it for this day and it was worth it. I must pay homage to the child in me and say thank you Santa Claus. Thanks for my new wool coat, my pretty necklace, my cat toys, my holiday dress. And then I have to thank G-d because I know I could not have found the strength within me over the course of the past year without his guidance and support. And then I must thank myself. I have been helped by many people- family, friends, doctors, teachers- along the way. But, I couldn't be here today if it weren't for myself, my own hard work, my determination, my commitment to life and happiness. I have had a very merry Christmas morning, I phenomenal holiday season overall; and I am looking forward to many more joyful blessings in my future. 

"G-d bless us, everyone!"

"But I am sure that I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come around...as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely."

- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Merry Christmas to you all!

xo

A Merry Little Christmas

Muster Up Some Holiday Spirit

An Affirmation for a Happy Christmas

Holiday shopping !

As I expressed in my post from yesterday, A Look Back, I have been having a difficult time this holiday season. I am struggling with accepting that this Christmas is going to be unlike the Christmases that I remember in the past. I am fighting with painful memories from my Christmas in treatment last year. I having been finding it difficult to muster up some holiday spirit. I have been looking forward to this Christmas for a long time now and it just doesn't seem to be living up to my expectations. Today I went holiday shopping with my brother and I finally began to feel some excitement and enthusiasm. Maybe there is hope that I can have a merry little Christmas after all. I want to share two affirmations with you that we can utilize in order to help us experience a happy Christmas. I intend to focus on these affirmations now and in the upcoming days as means of encouraging the positive feelings that I got a brief glimpse of earlier today.

I am excited and enthusiastic about this holiday season.

As the holiday draws closer my happiness expands.

As always, I know it can be difficult to focus on two affirmations at once. You have the option to choose which ever one seems most appropriate for you or you can combine aspects of both in order to create a single affirmation for a happy Christmas. I have consolidated the two affirmations into one statement that you are welcome to use if it better suits your needs.

My excitement and enthusiasm about this holiday season allows my happiness to expand each day.

This could easily be my Christmas letter to Santa-

This consolidated affirmation is perfect for me as I attempt to muster up some holiday spirit in the hopes of experiencing a happy Christmas. Feel free to pick and choose the elements that work for you in order to create a personal affirmation that provides you with the support you need. After all, affirmations only work if they are relevant to your wants and your life. As I read this affirmation to myself I begin to think of aspects of the holiday that I am excited and enthusiastic about. I envision the different festive outfits that I plan to wear for our multiple holiday parties. I think about the creative gifts that I have put together for my family members. I picture their potential reactions when they open them.  I imagine my entire family sitting around my Aunt's dining room table for our Christmas Eve dinner. I see my Mom, my Aunt, and myself drinking Mimosas and Champagne Christmas morning. As I think of all of these different things I begin to get butterflies in my stomach. I feel a grin coming to my face. I am starting to embody this affirmation. I am truly becoming excited and enthusiastic. With these feelings comes an undeniable happiness. All on my own I have managed to muster up some holiday spirit by simply thinking about the festivities to come. Close your eyes and focus on your own affirmation, whether it's one I have provided or one you have created yourself. Picture all of things that you enjoy about the holiday. Feel the emotions that are associated with these holiday moments and experiences. It may take time and concerted effort but you too are able to muster up some holiday spirit by using the simple concept of an affirmation. Once you have found this spirit allow it to fill your body and soul. Don't let go of it. 

This is the festiveness and enthusiasm I'm looking for !

If we can manage to maintain and bolster this new found joy than we are ensured a happy Christmas. I am so thankful to have finally discovered this happiness and enthusiasm that I feared I had lost. Picturing events that are sure to transpire over the next few days reassures me that Christmas has not been ruined for me. No matter what has gone on in my past I can still find reasons to be merry during this special time of year. Don't let anything interfere with your ability to be happy and enjoy the holidays with your family and friends. We all have sadness and painful memories; but, we also all have the capacity to discover and feel joy and excitement. Sometimes it just takes a little reminder or some extra effort in order to realize it. I hope that you are able to find the same holiday spirit that I have recently began to feel. I strongly believe that this spirit will guarantee all of us a merry little Christmas and an enjoyable holiday season.

Good luck in your efforts to achieve a happy Christmas,
xo

1 Day Til Christmas Eve, 2 Days Til Christmas!

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, The Carpenters