Act Like a Grown Up

Relationships Require Work

Handling Issues in a Mature Manner

Act Like a Grown Up

As I have said in earlier posts such as, Release Your Inner-Child and Child-Like Enthusiasm, I am most definitely an advocate of catering to the needs of your inner-child and behaving in a childish manner for the sake of fun. However, sometimes situations demand us to act like grown ups and behave in a mature manner. This past week has shown me that I can't always rely on the adult within me to handle issues appropriately, specifically with respect to a number of relationships in my life. For me, building connections has always been the easy part of relationships. It is the sustaining aspect that proves to be quite difficult. No matter the type of relationship- boyfriend, sibling, best friend, therapist- issues will always arise. Sometimes these issues are as mild as a simple disagreement or a miscommunication. However, often these problems come in the form of dramatic, blow out arguments. These complex and often personal issues test us as well as the relationship itself. 

Good relationships demand a level of maturity-

Are we willing to put forth the great amount of work required to mend the relationship? Are we able to handle issues in a mature manner in order to move forward with the relationship? Can we act like a grown up and face the problem head on or is it easier to just give up on the relationship and walk away?

"It isn't sufficient just to want- you've got to ask yourself what are you going to do to get the things you want."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

I think that Roosevelt's words are perfect in answering the series of questions that I posed.

Friendships Require Work

Our willingness to work for relationships and resolve issues in a mature manner is truly dependent upon what we want. Our decision of whether or not to act like a grown up when grappling with the task of sustaining a relationship is directly connected to the amount that we value it. We deem some relationships less significant or important than others and often come to the conclusion that they are not worth the amount of work required in order to maintain them. In these cases we may let a small disagreement break apart the relationship because we just don't "want" it enough. We don't care to work in order to continue the friendship nor do we desire to display the effort that is needed when handling issues in a mature

manner. Instead, we choose to let the friendship go, and we move forward with our lives, feeling relatively unscathed. While we may have many relationships that we are not too afraid of losing, we also having a number of relationships that we ascribe value. These important relationships can come in the form of a best friend, a spouse, a sister, an aunt, etc. The relationship title is not what matters in this scenario. What is significant is the amount of care that we have for the relationship and the other person involved. These connections are what we "want" and wish to maintain and protect. But as Roosevelt says, it is not enough to simply want; we need to come up with a plan in order to achieve or obtain what it is that we desire. I feel that this quote can be applied to the want we feel with respect to sustaining our valuable personal relationships.

This past week it was necessary for me to figure out what it was that I needed to do in order to protect two separate relationships, both of which I regard as important to both me as well as my life. My life circumstances have changed the way I think about friendship, and has forced me to reconstruct my view of best friends or close friends. I have about five, maybe six, friends who I refer to as my best friends. They range in age from 17-40 and they live all over North America, from Montreal to Los Angeles to New Jersey. I don't get to see most of them a lot of the time. We can go over a year without seeing one another, but, that doesn't change the fact that we are good friends. Time and distance does not matter when you truly connect to and love a person. Time and distance may not threaten our friendships but other factors can. Last weekend my best friend from New York was supposed to visit me in Philadelphia. We hadn't seen each other in 8 months and I could not wait for her to arrive. I prepared everything with pain staking attention- cleaning my apartment, stocking my refrigerator with wine and diet soda, stashing a bottle of Grey Goose in the freezer, and carefully

"I prepared everything..."

wrapping a number of little gifts for her to open upon her arrival. However her arrival date continued to get postponed for a variety of reasons, none of which were my fault. The final straw came when she chose to stay in the city and party instead of boarding the bus to come and visit me. I was absolutely heart broken and angry. Maybe it would have been easier or even wiser for me to simply say forget it and toss the friendship away. But, I couldn't do that. Throwing away the relationship would not have been the mature way to handle the issue. Not to mention that I didn't want to lose the friendship, because despite the disappointment and anger that I felt, I still loved and cared about her. This is one of those special and valuable relationships. This is a friendship that I want. So, after collecting myself and gathering my thoughts, I needed to decide what I had to do in order to sustain the friendship i.e. "get what I want." My friend did ultimately arrive that following Monday, and although I was beyond ecstatic to see her, I knew that I needed to act like a grown up and address what had transpired in a mature manner. 

Time to handle the issue in a mature manner-

It wasn't an easy or fun conversation for either one of us. It would have been nice to be able to set it aside and just forget, avoiding any potential discomfort or tension that could result from the discussion. But real relationships require work, even though it is not enjoyable, in order to sustain and substantiate them. Although the conversation was not pleasant, it was necessary to have so that we could move forward and feel as if we were both understood. Needless to say, after our discussion we ended up having a wildly fabulous time together, as we always do. The work that we put into the friendship has strengthened it and will hopefully prevent similar issues from arising in the future.

"...I ended up having a blow out fight..."

Later that week I ended up having a blow out fight with a second of my dear friends. (This was a very odd week for me considering I rarely find myself in altercations with my friends.) Our outrageous and alcohol fueled argument resulted in hurtful words on both our halves and I ended up kicking my friend out of my apartment in the middle of the night. All in all it was a tumultuous evening and I found myself wondering if the situation could ever be truly remedied. We were both angry, hurt, frustrated, vulnerable, and sad. I was truly irritated and outraged because I had felt that my apartment, my safe space, my home, had been violated or tainted. My usually calm and peaceful space had been filled with negative and harmful energy. Even my own demeanor and behavior were unrecognizable to me. How could I forgive this person who hurt me and damaged my sense of safety in such a significant way? I awoke the next morning to a series of texts from my friend and I decided that I owed it to both of us to act like a grown up and at least try to work through the problems that we had been encountering. I spend a great deal of time with this friend and we have become exceptionally close in a very short period of time. She stays at my apartment nearly five days a week and I have become accustomed to talking, relaxing, eating, and going out with her. We have a deep level of trust and understanding. It would not have been fair to either one of us for me to simply write her off after this crazy fight. We both still wanted the friendship, but we needed to figure out "what [we] [were] going to do" in order to sustain

"What are [we] going to do?"

it. It was evident that we were both very willing to do the work that is required in order to maintain relationships. The concern was: could we manage to handle the issue in a mature manner and calmly and honestly discuss the problems at hand? We chose to meet for coffee (a very grown up behavior if I do say so myself) in order to talk about the argument, what prompted it, what we need to do moving forward in order to prevent future blow outs, and offer each other apologies. After our conversation I had no concerns regarding the status of our close friendship. We may hit more bumps along the way, but I am confident that we will be able to handle any issues maturely, and that we will continue to be good friends for the remainder of our lives. (As we always say, we will be adults together, sitting by the pool, drinking margaritas, and watching our kids play.)

A lot goes into our decision when we deem a relationship significant and/or valuable. Many elements relate to the other person such as, loyalty, kindness, honesty, generosity, fun, etc. Some aspects have more to do with the way the other person makes us feel. For example my friend from New York makes me feel that I am worth being loved. She helps me see that not only can I have fun but that I can be fun. But a lot of the factors that build the foundation of an important personal relationship are not about the individuals separately, but rather the individuals together, the relationship itself. For example my relationship with the second friend that I mentioned is open and honest, completely mutual, and fair. 

When we ascribe value to a relationship we are making a choice that this connection is something that we want. Like anything else in life that we want, maintaining meaningful relationships requires work, and demands that we plot a course in order to achieve our desired ends. When it comes to sustaining friendships the course is never easy nor is it ever the same. Each friend that we have is unique and subsequently the steps required for holding on to each friendship will be unique as well. However, I believe that there is a general rule to applied when working to maintain, protect, and salvage relationships: Act like a grown up. So you are probably wondering what exactly I mean by this? The following is a list of what I believe to be a few (but definitely not all) of the necessary actions involved when striving to behave as a mature adult in a relationship.

Sometimes you don't have a choice-

• Be honest about your feelings. A true friend will listen and try to understand your point of view. Holding back will only lead to hurt feelings and unintentional damage.

• Listen to the other person. When I say listen I mean really listen. Don't just sit there while the other person is talking while your brain zooms off into outer space. Good friends give the other person in the friendship the opportunity to use their voice and share. A great friend actually listens to their words and responds thoughtfully and appropriately.

• Give and receive. Relationships must be mutual in order for them to be successful. One-sided relationships usually lead to the giver feeling resentful and occasionally leaves the receiver feeling either guilty or overwhelmed. All relationships involve a give and take. If you find yourself constantly giving (as I often do) then maybe it is time to lay off for a bit and give your friend the opportunity to be the giver.

• Fight fair. This is a concept that my Mother always tried to force upon during my childhood. So what exactly is fighting fairly? Well I think my Mother was trying to tell me that when we are engaged in an argument or disagreement we should not rely on nasty statements or cruel jabs in order to bring the other person down. Calling someone fat or a bitch may make you feel good in the moment, because you have successfully hurt the other person, but you will probably regret name calling of this sort later on. Additionally fighting fairly allows you to get down to the real problems at hand. It is constructive because it moves the relationship in a forward direction. You may be fighting but you are not wasting breath on words that hold no real value. Instead you can argue about what is actually bothering you, rather fighting over/in gibberish.

• Face issues as they come. I think that this may be the most importantly guideline when it comes to friendships. Too many relationships dissolve because of grudges or because those involved chose to stew instead of addressing a problem in the moment. If we fail to face problems at the moment that they arise they tend to get thrown into a large pile of already existing issues. At some point the pile will get too large and everything will spill out. A bunch of little things suddenly become one massive thing and can result in the demise of a relationship. Don't let little things slide all the time. If something is bothering you than let your friend know in the moment. Doing so will prevent an emotional explosion later on down the road and could possibly save your friendship.

Can't help but indulge my inner-child !

Ok, so I have spent this entry advising you to act like a grown up and to be mature. I may sound like a complete hypocrite because I so frequently condone indulging your inner-child and even urge you to not take life so seriously, as I did in my recent post, Have Time for a Quicky? For fear of confusion and/or seeming inconsistent, I do want to assert that I believe a great deal of things and situations in our lives can be approached in a light-hearted way. I will still laugh at occurrences that others don't find funny. I will continue to poke fun at situations when others seem to be behaving overly staunch. And I will always buy Hello Kitty stickers when I see them in order to appease my inner-child. But I know that certain situations in my life require a level of maturity. When it comes to friendship, I take it very seriously. My friends are my family and my passion. They nourish my mind and my soul. My closest friends are the recipients of my strongest degree of love. For these reasons I have forced myself to weigh the pros and cons of choosing to act like a grown up. It seems to me that the only way to maintain a strong and true bond (despite time, age gaps, distance, socioeconomic status, etc.) with a good friend is to approach the relationship with a level of maturity. Yes, it is very hard for me to tell my inner-child to go away and let the adult in me reign supreme; but, I know that this is the only way that I will be able to sustain the friendships that I have created, and in my mind my dearest friends are worth that and so much more.

Hold your friends close (even when they are far away),
xo

You're My Best Friend, Queen

What is the Honesty Policy?

Saying What We Mean and Meaning What We Say

When Is it Better to Just Shut Up?

"Honesty is icy."

My brunch yesterday went rather well. I was able to tap into my inner strength that I discussed at length in my previous entry, Strong Man Competition, and went into the get together feeling confident about myself and about my life. I wanted to portray an image of feeling good and being well in the hopes of rekindling the friendship and showing my friend that I am a stronger and different person than I have been in the past. I left the brunch feeling great about how it went. I thought that I came across as the strong, responsible, and confident person than I am gradually becoming. I believed that we could move forward with our friendship and that hopefully my friend realized that I was no longer the needy, sick, and dependent friend that I once was. I didn't think much about the brunch after that until I received a message from my friend regarding my post from yesterday. She had taken the time to search for and read my blog and was angry and offended regarding a great deal of the things I had said. I understand why she may have felt that way but bashing her our undermining her abilities as a friend was certainly not my intent. As children we are always taught that honesty is the best policy but I am beginning to think that maybe as we grow older the rules change. Now that I am an adult what is the honesty policy? In treatment I was told to express my feelings and emotions because burying them would only lead to further issues later on. I have worked for years honing this skill, becoming comfortable with my emotions, and learning how to share them with the people in my life. This method works in treatment and therapy but perhaps it is not appropriate in the "real world." 

I like to think that I say what I mean and mean what I say but maybe now I need to learn when it is better to just shut up. I am very confused. I spent years of my life keeping my thoughts and opinions hidden and it resulted in resentment, frustration, and an eating disorder. I used my anorexia to cope with the feelings that I felt I couldn't express and used starvation as a means of numbing out so that I no longer had to deal with painful emotions that I felt I was unable to share. But now I am not really sure what to do. It seems as if expressing my thoughts and sharing my feelings will land me in just as much trouble of a different kind. Am I supposed to stop being honest for fear that someone is not going to like what I have to say? Is saying what I mean and meaning what I say worth the negative consequences? Should I just return to my previous practice of keeping my mouth shut and hope that it doesn't yield the same unfortunate results that it did in the past? I really have no answers to any of these questions. I feel confused. I feel as if I have been fed contradictory advice over the course of my life. As children we are told that honesty is the best policy. In treatment I was advised that my eating disorder was a manifestation of many years of keeping my thoughts and emotions inside. And now that I am back in the real world, as an adult my honesty as resulted in the loss of many friends. I feel better when I express what is on my mind and do not allow negative emotions and feelings to mount up inside of me. But is saying what I mean and meaning what I say worth the negative repercussions? Because I don't seem to have any answers this afternoon and just continue to throw out a never ending list of questions I am going to turn to one of my favorite tools, quotations of course, in the hopes of figuring out this dilemma and discover what the honesty policy is.

I have numerous quotes for us to ponder today and hopefully we will be able to resolve this dilemma either in one of them or in the collective power of all of them. The first is quote about the honesty of children-

A lesson in truth telling-

"Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children."

- Oliver Wendell

I believe that this quote is quite accurate. Children rarely feel badly or uncertain about telling you what's truly on their mind. They will you tell if they love you, they'll tell you if you're fat, they'll compliment you with great sincerity, they'll point out a big pimple on your face and sometimes their words hurt. But no matter what they say for the most we can believe them and perhaps this is because they are constantly being told that honesty is the best policy. But as we grow older this rule seems to change or disappear and we become well acquainted with the art of lying. The next grouping of quotes relates lying and fear-

"I never lie because I don't fear anyone. You only lie when you're afraid."

- John Gotti

"We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger."

- Tad Williams

There seems to be truth in both of these quotes. I have lied in the past because I have been afraid of what the truth will bring. Lies can hide our true personalities and protect us from those who may dislike who we are when we are being true to ourselves. Lies can cover up mistakes we have made and allows us to avoid condemnation for our errors. Not sharing how we feel seems to be the greatest lie that I am struggling with at the moment. By not expressing my emotions I am in essence lying by avoiding the truth. These lies have saved me from the negative reactions others may have if I were to share my true feelings. I was afraid of losing friends or having people become angry with me. Now that I have expressed the truth my fear has become a reality and it is forcing me to question whether or not honesty and self-expression is worth it. The next quote speaks directly to the situation I communicated earlier in this entry-

"If we were all given by magic the power to read each other's thoughts, I suppose the first effect would be to dissolve all friendships."

- Bertrand Russel

This quote is clearly beyond appropriate for my current situation. I shared the truth, my thoughts and feelings and the result was a dissolution of a friendship. This quote leads me to another thought: maybe it is best to not always tell the truth with friends. Perhaps the honesty policy excludes being honest when it may hurt people or if the truth will only result in larger issues. I can grasp this notion but I don't like it. I don't want to spend my days walking on tip toe, wondering what I can and cannot say, and holding on to things and emotions that bother me. I guess if I am so dedicated to truth telling I am going to have accept its consequences: loss of friends, confrontations, and misunderstandings. I am really not sure what is more important to me at this moment. Do I value honesty more than I value the lifelong friendships I have created? Are there people out there who are willing to accept what I have to say and are capable of recognizing that I must express my feelings honestly as a means of avoiding other negative repercussions? 

These questions lead into my final quote for this entry-

"Respect for the truth is an acquired taste."

- Mark Van Doren 

Not all people can handle the truth I suppose. And not everyone has been conditioned to express their true emotions. I have had experiences that I have taught me that in order to stay well and avoid relapse I must share what is on my mind. However I can admit that just because I am able to dish out the truth does not mean that I am always the best at accepting it when it is dealt to me. I have come to realize that honesty is not always the best policy but I have been unsuccessful in answering my initial question: What is the honesty policy? Perhaps this is a question and an idea that I need to ponder on my own for a little bit. These quotes have helped in enlightening me but they failed to answer all my questions. The truth is complicated but people's reactions when hearing the truth are even more complex and unpredictable. I know that I will continue to express my emotions and thoughts using this blog, my journal, and in face to face interactions because it makes me feel better. It lightens my load. I don't feel burdened by uncomfortable feelings and angry thoughts that would otherwise build up inside of me. But maybe this sad situation with my friend serves a good lesson in precaution. Just because I am expressing myself does not mean that everyone wants to hear it and perhaps some things are better left unsaid. It doesn't mean I need to shut up in all scenarios but maybe there is a more appropriate forum for sharing certain feelings and beliefs.

Most importantly be honest with yourself even if you can't be with others,
x0

Maybe this is a time when the new and revised honesty policy is more appropriate?

Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide!, Walt Disney's Pinocchio (1940)

Cutting the Strings- Part 2

A Fond Farewell

Creating Healthy Boundaries

Goofing and taking illegal pics during a Renfrew visit-

I love and will miss them terribly !

About a week ago I reported that I literally cut the strings, the string bracelets, that I had collected and adorned during my time in treatment. Although I had physically cut the strings I had not acted accordance with my behavior. I continued to visit friends in treatment, stay in contact with treatment friends, and allowed my mind to stay in that world. I have been thinking a lot about what I needed to do to create healthy boundaries for myself. I can't move on with my life at school if I constantly have my foot in the door of The Renfrew Center and other treatment facilities I have stayed at. I told myself that I had cut ties and was ready to move on but I was only lying to myself. Even though I removed the bracelets I had not eliminated the attachment I felt to those places that have saved me and brought me great comfort in times of need. Unfortunately I currently have 6 friends in treatment at Renfrew right now and I felt it was my obligation as a friend to visit them as much as I could. It's so confusing for me because I want to be a good friend but visiting causes an issue for me. It keeps me in that world. It makes treatment seem appealing and almost like a valid lifestyle. But in my heart of hearts I know it is not and that is not where I want to be or spend the rest of my life. It's time to let go and move on. So over the past week I have connecting with friends and telling them that I may disappear for a while because I need space and time to reflect and reevaluate my wants and life. Yesterday was the final step- It was my last visit to Renfrew (not forever but for a while at least.) It was not a healthy place for me to be spending time. Seeing the patients made me feel insecure and I found myself comparing my body with theirs. And spending time there, feeling like a member of the community, was prohibiting me from discovering a life in the "real world." I went yesterday to say good-bye- good-bye to my friends, good-bye to the treatment center that has become a safe space for me, and mostly good-bye to the treatment world that I can no longer be a part of. It was a difficult and fond farewell. I knew how monumental it was and I nearly began to cry. I said good-bye to a friend from Kuwait who I may never see again. But I really said good-bye to an era of my life that it is time to let go of. When I initially left treatment in late January I told myself that I would only stay in touch with the few that I had things in common with besides treatment and our eating disorders. I stayed true to my word for a while but as time passed I allowed other people to permeate this boundary and enter my life. As I let more and more people I became entrenched in both my eating disorder as well as the world and community that I inherited the day I stepped into Renfrew for the first time 2 years ago. As school begins again and my world at Penn begins to return I have realized that in order to live my life here at school the other life needs to go, for good. It's sad, hard, and painful but necessary. We can live in multiple worlds within the same life but some worlds just don't work together and when that happens we need to choose which world we want to remain a member of. I am choosing the world of Penn and life in the "real world" or "outside." The quote I have chosen for today is about the magnitude of making a choice for ourselves- 

What will your response or choice be?

“In the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.” 

- Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

Today I want us to reflect on the choices we have made or the ones we need to make in our daily lives. Clare and I both admit that making these choices is not necessarily easy and can in fact be difficult. But the fact that you are able to make a definitive choice and go with it is what counts and deserves positive attention. When we are able to overcome the back and forth, the battle within our own minds and decide what is best for us we are victorious. Floundering and being indecisive in life is building a long road to no where. If you can make choice, decide what you want and where you want to go you have already won half the battle. Once you know what your goal is you can actually get started on achieving it. For me it was a choice between two worlds- the world of eating disorders and the world of the living. What choices are you juggling today? Is there a way for the two options to work simultaneously or do you need to choose one and abandon the other? You can weigh the pros and cons or you can feel with you heart what you think is best. Some choices are more inclined to be made with the heart rather than with the rational mind. Of course once the choice has been made the second guessing comes in- Have I made the right choice? What would have happened if I did something differently? My advice is once you have made a choice do your best to stick with it. Stop the vacillating and the second guessing. My your choice and go for it! I am still feeling sad about the choice I needed to make but I am not second guessing myself- I know it was the necessary choice. I am hurting and did hurt others by the decision I made? Probably, but they understand that I need to create healthy boundaries in order to continue on and lead a healthy and happy life. Health and happiness are indispensable- I urge to make whatever choice you must in order to achieve both.

Confidently choose what's best for you today and always,

xo

Family Matters

Establishing Independence

Your Choice, Your Voice

Me with my parents- family vacation last summer-

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.  Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. " 

- Jane Howard

I started this entry in a different way- with a quote. And I don't plan to define or analyze it at length. I just felt the need to share this statement with you for the fear that the following words may inaccurately communicate how I feel about family more specifically my family. Whatever or whoever you consider your family- blood relatives, old friends, a house full of cats- they are important for they are always there for us and keep us upright when we are unable to support ourselves. The key element that creates a family is love. So much of the time we don't interpret our family's actions as loving or an argument as productive but at the end of the day we need them and they need us. The unconditional love that a family provides, whether it's a traditional family or not, is irreplaceable and creates a niche of safety from the chaos and cruelty of the world.

Nothing beats blogging poolside!

Currently I'm at a new location for me- poolside in Bermuda. I welcome this vacation as a relaxing break from my day-to-day routine, the hustle and bustle of the city, the non-stop work that I experience while taking classes. However with all the good vacation brings comes challenges and frustrations that I don't encounter when I am living life on my own. As the youngest child and only daughter I am extremely protected by all members of my nuclear family. Sometimes it's welcome and even warranted but at other times it becomes aggravating and even adds to my level of stress. My dad will try and tell me what to eat- reading and suggesting menu items as if I can't read them myself. My mother watches like a hawk as a pour a second glass of wine or order a cocktail even demanding that I ask her permission at times. And my brother judges my smoking habit, criticizing it and me, resulting in further self-loathing and insecurity. It is at these times when I long to establish a sense of independence within my family. I may be the youngest and may not be perfectly healthy but I am nearly 23 years old and have lived on my own for extended periods of time. Occasionally I'll exclaim "I've been living on my own for months  now and guess what...I am still alive!" When we feel like we are receiving unwanted direction or being controlled by those around us we must speak up and use our voice, make our own choices and subsequently our on mistakes sometimes, and establish our independence. Whether it is among family or friends we need to assert ourselves, tell me what we need and what we don't, what is helpful and what is hurtful, and hope that they listen to and respect our requests. I understand that this advice, these watchful eyes, and protective measures come from a place of love. I respect that they want to help and care for me. But now it is time for me to be independent and care for myself. I'd like to share a couple quotes with you about establishing independence and speaking up on behalf of yourself. The first quote is from Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre-

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” 

- Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Goldfish asserts his indepedence!

I love finding useful quotes from works of literature or an era long passed. This quote is still relevant even in the 21st century with it's female declaring independence from the world that works to confine or trap her. This is how I feel in my family at the moment. I am define as the youngest, the girl, the sick one, the weaker child or child that needs help but I want to fight all these definitions. I want to establish a different identity from myself- the creative thinker, the successful Penn student, the fashionista, one with a distinct point of view. My family sees all these elements in me but I am not sure that they are the first things that come to my mind when they think of their only daughter. I am an individual with my own voice and power to make my own choices for my life. Whether it's a big or small decision- what I'll eat for dinner, how many courses I'll take next semester, if I'll purchase a kitten- these choices are mine and I have been trying to use my voice to assert my independence and establish myself as a grown and fully capable young woman. The next two quotes I have I chosen speak to using your voice despite fear or possible condemnation-

“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.” 

- Shannon Adler

"Speak your mind even if your voice shakes."

- Maggie Kuhn

I am fully aware how difficult it can be to speak up on behalf of ourselves especially when addressing an elder, higher authority, or are concerned with the response of your audience. It can be terrifying to the point where as Kuhn says "your voice shakes." But if you can't fight your inner fears, step out of your comfort zone by using your voice you are bound to receive rewards or results that would have been impossible to achieve had you stayed silent. The person you are speaking to may not fully listen, understand, or respond/react the way you wish but you are more likely to get the results you desire if you put yourself out there. No success is gained by staying silent and letting your thoughts or issues ruminate within your head. Whether you are speaking to a co-worker, a professor, a parent, a doctor, anyone let your thoughts and opinion be known. Using your voice is the only way to allow others to know what you want and what you need. If you keep it to yourself people will continue to go on unaware that their words and behaviors are bothering you. The last quote I have for you on this topic is extreme, perhaps a bit too extreme, but forces the question- How willing are you to establish your own identity, assert your independence, and use your voice?

“I'd rather die my way than live yours.” 

- Lauren Oliver, Delirium

I am not sure I'd rather die than live by my own standards but I think the message is still very powerful. Oliver's words imply the importance of living your life with your voice and your choices. It is a sad existence to live by the strictures that others set for you and the decisions that you do not make yourself. In order to live fully we must be willing to take the risk of going it on our own and using our words to make others aware of who we are at core and how we would like to be treated and seen. As I said before this is not an easy task especially when it comes to family matters. We know for the most part our families love us and only want the best for us. Speaking up against them can be hard because we don't want to hurt them, be disrespectful, or seem unappreciative. But at the end of the day we come first. If we don't let our families know how feel, what we want, and how we perceive ourselves than we are not being honest and they don't truly know us. In order to live a full life we need live the way we desire and live the life that we envision for ourselves. Don't back down, don't succumb to pressure, don't let your important words go unsaid. Establish your independence, create your identity, make your own choices, and always use your voice. It's your life don't let yourself or others stand in your way!

Challenge yourself by making your own choices and speaking your mind,
xo

Declare your independence!

Good Samaritan

Earning Good Karma Points

Helping Out and Doing the Right Thing

It didn't look quite like this...haha-

Today I was at Starbucks when I witnessed a hit and run in the parking lot. I beige Volvo sedan pulled out and hit a parked green classic MG convertible. My automatic instincts kicked in and I quickly noted and memorized the Volvo's license plate number. I asked around and discovered the owner of the green convertible. I told him what I saw and he asked if he could borrow my cell phone number to call 911. He was so thankful repeatedly saying "thanks kiddo" and "what a nice young lady." I was still around with the police arrived and they asked if I would mind making a brief statement since I witnessed the accident. Of course I didn't mind helping out although it took a good 30 minutes out of my day and I was eager to get home. The owner of the MG continued to thank me and seemed utterly amazed that I so naturally looked to do the right thing by searching for the owner of the damaged car and willing to take time out of my day to speak with the police. I guess in this crazy world we live in, where too many people are just looking out for themselves, a small offering of kindness that I thought nothing of seems extraordinary to others. In my mind helping out and doing the right thing seemed like my only option. But I suppose some people would just ignore it and go about their day without thinking twice about the damaged car or the unlucky owner. I was happy to act as a good samaritan and offer as much help as I could in this situation. Maybe it's just my personality or because I was utterly appalled by the Volvo owner's behavior but I didn't think my actions deserved any praise. I was simply doing what I felt I was obligated our ought to do. At the end of the day it can't hurt to do the right thing- it will add points too our karma- and the recipient of our actions is sure to be extremely appreciative. As usual I have a quote to accompany my little tale-

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking.  There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught."

- J.C. Watts

I like this quote because I think it speaks to many elements of my personal account. The woman in the Volvo clearly thought no one was looking or paying attention and therefore she could get away with the minor hit and run. She thought she was was "get[ting] by" but did not realize that someone else out there was willing to truly do the right thing and that she would be caught. Perhaps she won't believe she has done wrong until her actions catch up with her or maybe she knew she was doing wrong even in the midst of her actions. I guess I'll never know but that answer is pretty irrelevant. Our character or fiber, listening to our inner voice, doing the right thing, and holding onto our morals are important in terms of defining who we are and what we believe in. Doing the right thing- whether we believe it will be noticed or that we'll be repaid- does not only serve others but ultimately helps us well. When we shut our eyes at the end of the day we are only the ones that can determine whether or not we are proud of the way behaved during the course of the day. (The same goes in life as well- as many say we are born alone and we die alone.) As morbid as that phrase may be it is the truth. We being our lives with ourselves and our lives end in the same way. Nothing we have- material belongings, money, friends, our appearance- matters if we cannot be proud of the way we acted and treated others during our life. The only way to live is by sticking to our morals and listening to our conscience no matter what. The more we do good and act morally the more we will believe that we are in fact good people. The stronger our own belief that we are good deep down the less the outside world will be able to shake our view of ourselves. And if all of these reasons aren't enough to convince you that it's always worth it to be a good samaritan at least have faith that doing the right thing or helping out will earn you good karma points and the cosmos will pay you back in the ends.

Hold tight to your morals and have faith in your conscience,

xo

Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide, Disney's "Pinocchio"

Let it Out Before You Explode!

Countering Social Propriety

Expressing Negative Emotions in an Always "Happy" World

Good morning all!
I recently read an article that posed the question: Is Facebook making us sad? (http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/01/the_antisocial_network.html) While the article touched on many elements of Facebook, social comparison, etc..the point that struck me most was Facebook's structural nature which provokes only positivity and encourages highlighting the good while completely ignoring the bad. The simple concept of the "Like button" without an accompanying "Dislike button" speaks directly to this upbeat or positive nature. But my concern isn't really about Facebook but how this social network, which is excepted to reach a billion users by the end of 2012, reflects the social propriety or acceptance of expressing sadness, failure, and depression in contemporary society. Facebook acts as a viral reflection of the real world where sharing unhappy feelings are seen as burdensome and both social expectations and personal expectations about mood and attitude are rapidly changing. If we aren't or don't seem to be happy and positive all the time we are not ok or something is wrong with us. This new belief comes with a variety of negative impacts. The quote I chose for today relates to not only accepting your personal and unique thoughts but expressing them as well regardless of whether society deems them proper.


"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud."
- CoCo Chanel


We all have thoughts that we keep to ourselves- worries, concerns, anger, anxiety, sadness, disappointment- thoughts that we don't think others want to hear or may make us vulnerable if shared. But what happens when we keep these thoughts inside for so long? They don't go away. They may be forgotten but they're still there just waiting to pop up when we least expect it. These negative thoughts or memories manifest themselves in different ways- stomach ulcers, skin breakouts, eating disorders, panic attacks, and the list goes on. When we fail to recognize and pay homage to our thoughts- bad, good, and indifferent- they will appear in other forms, even physically, that can result in greater damage. This provokes yet another question- what happens if we don't experience any of these physical repercussions? What's the big deal about keeping things in? Well, the problem with keeping things in for an extended period of time is that they ultimately will come out. For example, you have a friend that consistently makes small jabs at you or nasty comments that on their own are so small and seemingly insignificant that it doesn't feel worth it to stir things up. So you go along and take it for a couple months or even years and slowly these comments and your feelings build and build within you until suddenly you take it anymore and BOOM- emotional explosion! If you had addressed each mean comment individually as they came your response would most likely not have been so outrageous. In fact making your friend aware earlier along could have even resulted in the snide remarks or meanness to cease. But by "letting go" and not acknowledging your feelings all along you allowed them to build within you resulting in an explosive reaction fueled by months or years of upset and anger. So what's the point of all of this? As the quote says the bravest thing to do is speak your mind. Saying your truth and expressing negative emotions can be exceptionally difficult especial in our contemporary world that seems to condemn feelings of depression and inadequacy. But at the end of the day we all have these feelings. By keeping our emotions to ourselves we not only but ourselves at risk but we contribute to society's ridiculous concept that everyone is happy all the time! So for your sake and the sake of others be "courageous" and just let it out! Sad, happy, angry, thrilled, anxious, stressed, excited- "...think for yourself. Aloud." Hopefully in doing so you'll inspire others to do the same thereby strengthening relationships, challenging loneliness, and countering impossible societal norms. Remember by letting it out your more likely to let someone in.


Be brave today and say how you feel,
xo


(In the United States we have been given the right of Free Speech- don't deny yourself this right by censoring yourself for others!)

Say, John Mayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQtGqmi2O2U