Friday, September 7, 2012

Cheer Up Buttercup

Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel

This Too Shall Pass

This day has been particularly rough for me. I knew in advance that it was going to be difficult because I had two doctors appointments today the second of which was with my primary. Appointments with my primary doctor are always emotionally taxing because they are weigh-ins. I never know what my weight is going to be prior to the appointment because I don't own a scale and the anticipation as well as the aftermath is draining no matter what the number is. Today my weight was a bit higher than I expected yet my doctor was still not satisfied causing my head to spin. The emotional fall out hit quick and hard. I tried to talk myself out of it and use rational thoughts to explain the higher weight- I drank alcohol last night, it's the middle of the day, I have not been in my normal routine- but the negative thoughts and emotions would not let up. Of course my mind went straight to the mass amount of calories I consumed last night thanks to alcohol and a drunk eating rampage. The feelings of fear, guilt, and shame were overwhelming and still are. It's days and moments like these when I turn to simple and calming phrases. This too shall pass. I will ultimately see the light at the end of the tunnel. But right now the light seems very, very distant. It's hard not to get angry at my situation and the course of my life sometimes. These sayings help but do not take away the pain that my eating disorder so often causes me. Why do I care so much about a number on a scale when I am clearly not overweight? Why does weight gain scare and matter so much to me? What is going on deep down or in my life that forces me to resort to restricting and symptom use? Why have I been dealt this lot in life? I am angry and frustrated at myself for being this way and at G-d for making me this way. I am so sick of living this life but I don't know how to get out of it. After this venting I am forced to return to the simple phrase- this too shall pass. I am feeling this way right now but I don't always feel upset and angry. In fact most times I feel quite happy or at least content. So today is not a good day but tomorrow is a new day and I have the potential to move forward. These feelings of frustration, sadness, and anger will fade away. My guilt and shame over the calories I consumed last night will subside. And I will feel happy, excited, and good again. The thing about feelings is that they come and go. We can't be permanently happy but on the bright side we won't be permanently sad or miserable. And of course there are a ton of feelings and emotions in between- anger, love, contentment, irritated, thrilled! Right now I feel as if I am in the depths of a dark and cold tunnel but in the future I will see the light. I will exit this dark tunnel and feel the warmth of the sun shining down on me and life will feel better. The key is navigating the tunnel, knowing what will help get you through, and waiting it out til you see the sunshine. I was lucky enough to find a quote that perfectly fits with my thoughts and my entry today-

"Happiness and sadness run parallel to each other.  When one takes a rest, the other one tends to take up the slack."

-Hazelmarie Elliott

Keep going! The light is out there-
Elliot directly explains an idea that I have managed to make very complex and confusing. We can't be happy or sad all the time. When one takes a break the other often tends to step in and fill the void. Our mix of feelings and emotions is one of the things that makes humans so interesting. We are not like other animals who simply don't have the capacity for thoughts and feelings. We have been given the gift of a complex mind that allows us to do some pretty wonderful things. We are intellectual creatures but we are also emotional creatures. We have the magnificent ability to feel love and joy so sometimes we just have to put up with the shitty feelings that come along. I wouldn't trade the love I feel for my family for anything. I'd rather feel sad some of the time and be able to feel this love than feel ecstatic always but not know what love feels like. At the end of the day it's a trade off. Some days just suck and we just want to snuggle up in our beds and never leave. But it's these days when it is most important to get out of bed, put on your big girl panties, and face the world. No one has ever gotten out of a dark tunnel by hiding in its crevices. The only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel is to keep on walking through the darkness. No matter what's going on in your life that's causing you bad emotions- doctor's appointments, trauma, family emergencies, deaths, a bad grade- remember this too shall pass and tomorrow will be a new and different day. You won't be sad or angry forever and the light will ultimately shine upon you.

Keep trekking through the darkness because the light is out there,

Bad Day, Daniel Powter

1 comment:

  1. You always manage to remind me "quitting is not an option".

    Bring it on!!!

    Thanks as always for being so wise.