Saturday, October 6, 2012

"It's My Party I Can Cry if I Want To"

A Boohoo Birthday

Coming to Terms With Reality

This was officially the worst birthday ever. I wasn't looking forward to it to begin with but the events that took place on and around my birthday just solidified it as awful. I didn't even recognize my birthday on the actual day. I was too overwhelmed with studying and school work to even give myself a moment of fained celebration or joy. I had decided that the following day after my test would be the official beginning of my birthday celebration and I had a plan to go out to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner with my closest friends here at school.
Wahh it's my birthday..
 Dinner was great and getting yummy drinks after was fun too! But while we were out to drinks something happened. I was feeling a little down because of residual stress from the week and simply because I was not excited about becoming 23. I was talking to a close friend and all of sudden she snapped. She gave me no explanation for what happened or what was going on and she just stormed off as soon as we got home yelling "I just need to be alone!" We texted later about it and she explained that she just felt as if she was under a lot of pressure because of me and that she couldn't help me. This situation sounds all to familiar to me. How many friends have I lost at this point because they worried about me or felt that they needed to fix me and couldn't handle it? I don't know what message or energy I am sending off that leads people to believe that they need to take care of me. I don't need anyone to help me- I am a big girl- and I can take care of myself and my problems all on my own. (I have been for a long time now.) I spent the rest of the night sobbing and the feelings of sadness and anger carried into yesterday and continue to haunt me now. The following day I had my doctor appointment and we all know how I feel about those. I was worried about it going in for the first time in a while. I was relatively sure I had done well by maintaining my weight and would have no issues. I was very, very wrong. I hopped on the scale without hesitation and discovered that I had not maintained but in fact lost weight and was back down to one of my lower numbers. I had been working so hard, splurging, drinking alcohol, eating candy corn (my favorite treat of this season), and thought I was doing everything I needed to do in order to take care of myself. Apparently I was wrong. The appointment just worsened my mood. It wasn't about the number, or my doctor's response, or my parent's disappointment and concern that set me off. It was the pure fact that I have no accurate perception about my food intake, body image, and caloric needs. I went out to dinner with my parents after the appointment and started crying at the table. It was back to the same old routine. Them prodding at me to eat more, me honestly saying that I was full and couldn't eat more, and crying over my plate of barely eaten food. 
I feel lost, hopeless, and confused. It is time that I come to terms with reality regarding a number of things: I am 23 years old and an undergraduate in college. I am not on the traditional track but I am still working to finish my degree. I need to take responsibility for myself and my issues and show my friends through my actions that they don't need to worry about me. And I need to be honest with myself and hold myself accountable for my caloric intake, restrictive behavior, and weight. This is reality, this is my life and running from it, or pretending as if it's perfect, or becoming angry and bitter about it is not going to change it. It is time for me to accept the way things are, appreciate what I have and where I am, and taking the steps I need to take it in order to improve it. I have chosen a pretty dense quote today from Freud but I feel as if it perfectly appropriate for my current feelings and this entry. Bare with me and have no fear because I will be liberally analyzing and interpreting it-

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces."

- Sigmund Freud

So what on earth is this quote actually saying? (Leave it to Freud to make something simple sound exceptionally complicated.) So basically the harsh reality in which we live is able to cause us pain and would drive us down if we were forced to deal with it all the time. To protect ourselves we attach ourselves to non-truths or nicer versions of the world around us. This detachment from reality allows us to be happy, enjoy life, and not become weighted down constantly by the stress of the world. But sometimes reality seeps in or we are forced to deal with a scary reality that our "illusions" are not strong enough to combat. All the protection that we have built up, the barriers we've created from the real world, and the falsities we have told ourselves are torn to pieces and thrown into the wind. It is at these times that we are forced to accept what is going on and come to terms with the reality in which we live. Life is not perfect for anyone. We all have troubles and challenges that come from the real world. And we all have things we do and tell ourselves in order to cope with the day-to-day displeasure and cruelty that we don't wish to face. But we can't live in our dream world for ever. Reality will catch up with us and when it does it may hurt. Today I am forced to come to terms with the harsh truths surrounding my birthday and all that it signifies for me. I cannot stop time, I cannot hide, I cannot protect myself forever by living in a world of the pretend. Reality is not always pretty and it will find us. But when it does we have two choices- we can either let it knock us down or we can stand up and deal with it the best way we know how. What will you choose to do?

Time to face the facts and come to terms with reality-

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