Monday, July 30, 2012

In the Heat of the Night

Sitting With Bad Feelings

"This Too Shall Pass"

Help, I'm drowning in my own sweat!
I am finally back from the family vacation that proved to be more stressful than relaxing. I arrived to my sweltering apartment dripping in sweat. I decided to change into a different pair of shorts- they were tighter than I remember them being- did I shrink them in the wash or is it my worst fear? Did I gain a significant amount of weight? My head began to spin and feelings of shame and guilt washed over me and continued to intensify. I had just ordered dinner but how could I eat now? I gained weight! I walked to the restaurant frazzled and angry. What was I going to do with this stupid meal now? I ran into a friend that was able to calm me down and level my head. The likelihood that I gained any real weight over the past few days is slim to none. As soon as I return to my normal routine my body will work things out and my weight will level (if it peaked at all.) In reality the shorts probably were shrunk and putting any type up of denim on to a sweaty body is never an easy task. So I was able to become a bit more rational and I ate my dinner. Now I am sitting in the heat of my apartment in underwear and a tank top forced to look at this body that I currently despise. I am sticking to myself from the heat and sweat. If it weren't so hot I'd bundle up and hide every inch of myself from sight but doing so in this heat would be absolutely ridiculous. Instead I am forced to sit with the bad feelings in the heat of the night and pray that tomorrow brings better thoughts and a strong sense of calm. Because my body image is so horrific at the moment (the key word here is moment, like all moments this too shall pass) I have decided to seek a quotation about body image and acceptance this evening rather than an affirmation.

She's got the right idea to stay cool- so jealous!

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself."

- Geneen Roth

As I sit here body checking and feeling dissatisfied with what I find I so wish I could believe the words Roth states. But I will do them justice by repeating them to myself, entering them in my journal, and reciting them in prayers with the hope that they sink in. Whether your personal downfall is bad body image, intellectual insecurity, or fears of incompetence I think this quote is applicable. I hope for all our sakes that we are able to give ourselves a break and recognize that no matter our weight, intelligence, height, we are not mistakes. We have been created in G-d's divine image and therefore we are perfect in our imperfections just as we are. Perhaps one day I will be able to believe these words but tonight just doesn't seem to be the night.

Always remember this too shall pass,

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