Saturday, July 28, 2012

Throwing in the Towel

Wanting to Quit But Must Keep Going

Where Do We Find the Strength We Lack?

These past days have been really rough for me and so many times I just think how badly I want to throw in the towel, succumb to my disease, and quit. But somehow I have continued to try, push through, keep going. And I wonder what is it that helps me continue when I don't have any belief in myself or my ability. I guess there is always the threat of being readmitted to treatment, the guilt of letting my family and parents down, my desire to finish my class and ultimately graduate. Maybe there is some hope or strength deep down inside that I am unaware of or can't see. However I think what truly keeps me going is the belief others have in me- their encouragement, supportive words, and certainty that I can do this. In the past I have had doctors tell me that I am going to die or that I "have the worst eating disorder [they've] ever seen." Luckily during these moments I had enough of my own strength to ignore this negative commentary and continue the fight. Now that I am having difficulty those words ring in my head every day. (Comments like that are hard to disregard especially in times of weakness.) But my Mom and Dad continue to tell me how strong I am and that they recognize my efforts. My doctor exclaims that she will be my "cheerleader" and that "I can beat this!" She won't let me die, she doesn't think I need to go back to treatment, she has faith that I can overcome this and I will be able to have a fabulous life- my eating disorder will not kill me. When it comes to any task or challenge that seems too much to handle sometimes the encouragement and strong belief others have in us is just enough to help motivate us and prevent us from quitting. One of my favorite quotes from Winnie-the-Pooh seems to fit perfectly with the theme of this post-

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember- you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

- A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

When faced with a challenging task or trying to complete something you have failed at before it can be so hard to maintain belief in ourselves. While inner-strength and personal belief are the strongest motivators sometimes we need to rely on others to help get us through. Take advantage of the faith they have in us until we are able to muster faith of our own. I have gone back to this quote time and time again to remind myself that even if I don't feel powerful at the moment the strength is there hidden deep within me- it's just hiding for a little. And when these qualities are hiding I rely on the kind, encouraging, powerful words of my friends, doctors, and family. It takes a level of trust to believe them but sometime at the end of the day their faith is all I have and it is their belief in me that helps me to continue on when I desperately wish to quit. I have one more quote to share with you. I heard this quote from a friend 2 years ago and it has stuck with me ever since-

“Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering 'I will try again tomorrow” 

- Mary Anne Radmacher

Although our strength or courage may not be overt it does not mean it is not there. We must trust those who believes in us and ultimately trust ourselves that we can do this, we are enough, and even if today was not ideal there is always tomorrow. If we keep trying and continue to put forth effort it means that there is something within us that wants to achieve (no matter the task) and somewhere deep down we have faith that we can. I can't believe in myself right now so I am graciously allowing others to hold the belief for me and to them I am forever grateful. If you don't believe in yourself find someone who does and ultimately the belief in yourself will come- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday it will come. I have faith that it will for all of us!

Keep trusting, keep believing, keep trying,

When You Believe, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston, The Prince of Egypt


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