Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dazed and Confused

Figuring out Mental Contradictions

It's Impossible to Have it Both Ways

If only my scale said these things!
I am currently exceptionally distraught and angry with myself. I went to the doctor today and discovered that I had gained 6 pounds in 3 weeks on my own. This is technically good news. This was the amount of gain my team was wanting me to gain. This is the amount of weight I needed in order to stay out of treatment and remain in the real world. If all of this is true than why did I start hysterically crying. I was uncontrollable for hours. The only thing that helped calm me down was a self-induced nap. I still feel like shit but at least I am not crying. I wanted to gain the weight because it meant I would have access to a different medicine that I desperately needed and wanted. I don't want to go back into treatment. But at the same time I don't want to look normal. My biggest fear is not being fat but being normal and looking like everyone else. That is what the number on the scale represents to me. If I am not drastically underweight, clinically anorexic, than what am I? I am in limbo- between the worlds of anorexia and health or "recovery" as some may call it. The limbo is uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I want to have it both ways: super underweight yet still living an enjoyable life. But this fantasy is just that, a fantasy. My rational mind knows it can't be done but my anorexia has other thoughts and other plans for me. Charts and plans and caloric limitations that will ensure I can lose this weight and then some. I'll show them! But show who? And show them what? The only person these "plans" and restrictive behavior will affect is me. I'll end up in the hospital. I'll end up losing more time from my life. I'll just be showing them how sick I am and how sick I can become. Making myself sick, to the brink of death, is that something to be proud of? I'd love to answer with a resounding "NO!" but I guess a half-hearted "no" will have to do. My mind is swimming wanting one thing but simultaneously wanting something else that defintiely contradicts the first want. Now that I have been rambling about myself, my frustration, my confusion for quite some time I guess I should get to the point of this post. Quite frankly there is no point. I just needed a place to vent, self-soothe, and perhaps relate with other people out there who are in similar situations. Whether it has to do with weight, or balancing family and work, or school time and play time I feel as if there is an endless list of wants that humans have yet it we can have it all- it's impossible to have it both ways. So instead of offering any extensive personal words of wisdom or insight I am going to let the following affirmation and quote pretty much speak for themselves. The first is simply a stabelizing affirmation to help remain grounded and present-

I love using stones as grounding tools-
I am okay. I am breathing. I am alive. I am experiencing this moment. I release all worry, all thoughts of past and future. I am here, now.

The following quote acknowledges the ups and downs in life but insists that each is significant and adds value to our being-

"Life's like a piano. The white keys represent happiness, and the black keys show sadness. But as you go through your life’s journey, remember that the black keys make music too."

- Anonymous

As hard as it is to get through the difficult or upsetting times I suppose I must acknowledge that it is these times when we experience the most growth. The "black keys," representing negative experiences, still add to our life experience and help us to discover who we truly are and what we are made of. I'm feeling slightly calmer after writing this post and I am hoping that despite it's lack of organization you, as the reader, were able to gain something from it as well. Life is full of ups and downs I suppose and the only way to make it through is to attempt to stabelize and ride it out.

Breathe, breathe, breathe,

Keep Breathing, Ingrid Michaelson

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this power!!!! Once again. You help me. Thanks.