Tuesday, August 14, 2012

It's Worth It!

What Keeps Us Going

Everyday Motivators

Don't be careless with your motivation. It's valuable-
I have been struggling with thoughts about my future recently. It all began yesterday after the troubling doctor appointment I mention in a previous post. I was feeling ambivalent about going back to school next semester. I was and still am afraid that if I begin the semester I won't be able to finish and if I can't finish than what's the point in starting? It seemed easier just to succumb to my weaknesses, take off the semester, and seek more medical help. Today I am feeling completely different about the entire situation and what I want to do. I was on campus today putting a few more things into my new apartment and I met up with a friend to retrieve some of my clothes.  We started to talk about next semester, different people that are going to be on campus, the fun parties that happen the week before school starts, and I began to feel excited about next semester. Than I remembered the unfortunate discussion I had the day before with my doctor about taking another semester off. All of a sudden I got a surge of motivation- I want to return to school! I want to continue building some semblance of a "normal" life for myself. I just established new friendships that I'd like to continue and solidify. I want to keep up with class and earn my college degree ASAP. (I'd rather not be a 30 year old college senior...) Treatment, the hospital, an eating disorder- none of these things constitute a life. I want to be able to go on and really live my life- friends, family, a career, marriage, children. I don't want to continue going around in the revolving door of eating disorder treatment. Too many people allow treatment to engross them. They make a life out of it and it becomes their world. I don't want this for myself. Normalcy, school, friends, and fun are my everyday motivators that keep me going. These powerful motivators help me to eat the extra food, gain a little weight, continue with my appointments, and do my best to stay healthy everyday. Of course I have a quote to accompany my words for this evening-

“Your talent determines what you can do. Your motivation determines how much you are willing to do. Your attitude determines how well you do it.” 

- Lou Holtz

So my question is- what do you want? What motivates you to achieve it? Just being capable isn't enough. We need something to push us, to propel us in the direction of our desires, to reach our goals. Our motivators are personal. They can be small or big, universal or individual, typical or completely bizarre. My friends and my desire for some sense of normalcy (whatever that is) push me everyday to keep going and that my struggles are worth it. Sometimes I feel the presence of these motivators very strongly and some days they don't seem to be around at all. The days when they seem absent are the hardest to get through- I feel as though I have no purpose, I flounder, I don't take care of myself the way I should. I suppose it would beneficial to write this motivators down while I am thinking about them. If they are written down I can turn to them and remind myself of what matters to me when I have forgotten. Earlier in the day everything seemed so clear and potentially easy. Now a dinner and a handful of fruit and nut mix later I am beginning to feel confused all over again. The regret is slipping in, the shame is draping over me, and I wish that I could undo the last few hours of consumption. But I know that to go back to school, to be with my friends, to have my life I must keep going because in the end when I achieve my goal and am back at school in the fall it will all be worth it. So for now, although I'm doubtful and uncomfortable, I will try to hold on to these motivators and remember what I am doing all of this work for. I will be able to fight and be at classes this fall if I am able too keep my everyday motivators in the forefront of my mind. Don't forget what drives you and you too will be able to achieve your desires.

Best of luck reaching your dreams,

Dream catcher-

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